


Positive

by betsybo



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Angst, Bodily Functions, Breastfeeding, Far more Jurassic Park references than necessary, Fluff, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mad science and silliness, Mentions of Character Death, Mpreg, Nothing too gross, Post-Season/Series 08 Finale, Pregnancy, Schmoop, Sooo schmoopy, but it's complicated, it's red dwarf mpreg I just want to live my life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-08-21 02:16:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 52,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16567697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betsybo/pseuds/betsybo
Summary: Post Series VIIIThey haveRed Dwarfback to themselves, but Nano-Rimmer is dead, and Kochanski left to get back to her own universe. And Lister is pregnant again.Based on this prompt: https://starbuggers.livejournal.com/317.html?thread=180541#t180541 (Post series VIII, Lister is pregnant by Nano-Rimmer who died trying to save everyone. So he's all set for single-parenthood, when Holo!Rimmer returns. Holo!Rimmer, who never knew how Lister felt about him. Things are gonna get awkward.)Disclaimer: I own nothing.





	1. The Biological Clock

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I've gone and done a RD Mpreg. It's nothing this fandom can't deal with is it? Also, I should stop trawling the kink meme and finish the fics I'm already writing but never mind.
> 
> Edit: I realised there was a bit of a problem with dates adding up, owing to my laziness in doing research. In ‘Only the Good...’ Lister and Rimmer consume enough alcohol that they need stomach pumps – which I don’t know whether a foetus would survive unscathed. Having debated whether to try and work around this, I’ve just decided to basically ignore it. Watching it back, their escape from the Tank in that ep was a little too easy... a bit like it was when they were still under the effects of the drugged envelopes in ‘Back in the Red’. Seems a shame as it's one of the funnier scenes from Series VIII, but I'll just imagine it happened much earlier. Retcon and Mpreg – we just get on with it in RD fandom.

 

Lister awoke from a familiar dream, lightly sweating as his stomach churned. He threw the covers off himself and clambered down the ladder of his bunk to the floor, before staggering to the bathroom. He barely made it to the toilet before he was heaving.

 

No.

 

Eyes watering, Lister spat the last of it into the toilet bowl and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. He didn’t need to vomit again but his stomach was still tight for other reasons. He thought of the other day when he’d lit a cigarette and almost immediately stubbed the thing out he felt so nauseas. This was about the ninth time he’d thrown up in the last twenty-four hours, but he'd been suddenly getting sick for weeks. Combined with the dreams, it was all horribly familiar.

 

Oh God, no.

 

In the dream, he’d started off heavily pregnant, and soon gave birth to lots of little black kittens. Frankenstein had watched him judgmentally from the top bunk of his and Rimmer’s old quarters as he ran around trying to collect all his feline children and get them into a little basket. He’d been anxious that something might happen to one of them if he didn’t keep them all safely together, but then he’d lost count of how many there were, and as soon as he walked away to check for more, the kittens he’d rounded up would escape again.

 

He’d had these sorts of dreams when he’d been pregnant with Jim and Bexley. Frankenstein and her kittens had nearly always made an appearance in them in one way or another. Perhaps he still felt guilty having essentially left her alone, or he was just afraid of having a litter of babies instead of just one – which he sort of had with the twins.

 

Lister settled into a sitting position on the cold floor, bringing a shaky thumb to his lips and worrying at the already bitten-back nail there.

 

Could he be pregnant again, he wondered? Was that still possible?

 

A couple of months after the having the twins, his body had looked much the same as it had beforehand; a little thicker at the midriff and with some stretch marks here and there, but it hadn’t appeared drastically changed. But still – Kryten _hadn’t_ told him that his body had gone back to normal.

 

No, what Kryten had said was, ‘You seem perfectly well, sir. No damage whatsoever. Nothing to worry about from what I can see.’

 

Lister had, foolishly, accepted the verdict without further question. He hadn’t been in the mood to hear any more. The loss of the boys had overshadowed most of his concerns, and anyway, their conception had taken place with a woman in a parallel universe. Meanwhile Kryten had been relying on the scanner and the Medi-bot, and at the time he’d still had yet to break his programming, and probably didn’t have the forethought to check beyond whether Lister was fit and healthy. And without a potential father on board, there _hadn’t_ been any immediate risk of a repeat scenario. (Lister wasn’t certain if humans and the Cat’s species could crossbreed, and he had no intention of finding out. Thankfully, the Cat wasn’t a likely candidate to father kids with him either way; Lister really didn’t want _any_ part of his weird kitten dreams to become a reality.) And besides, Kryten had become preoccupied with helping Lister out of his depression after that. 

 

A small noise came from Lister’s throat.

 

What if he was pregnant, he wondered fearfully? What if it was twins? What if there was something wrong with them? What if he had to give them up again? What if he didn’t? How would he cope?

 

He shook himself. He needed to calm down. This was clearly an overreaction – he didn’t even know if he was pregnant yet. He was a little sensitive these days; he was still upset at Rimmer’s second death and Kochanski’s departure.

 

He didn’t blame Kochanski. She’d seen her opportunity to leave – she’d been more than ready - and she took it. She'd set them up well after _Red Dwarf_ had, again, shifted in size and shape once all the nanobots and resurrected crew had disappeared once more. It was looking pretty good for a ship of its age. She wasn’t the Kochanski he’d been in love with – _she_ had long since passed away, and even the nanobots hadn’t disturbed her memory by resurrecting her.

 

It must have been hard for the alternate Kris, being stuck with them as long as she was – away from her Lister – and she’d been so great. A complete rock, actually. Lister missed her terribly, and probably always would. Although he longed to see her again one day, he hoped it wouldn’t be through tragedy. He hoped neither of them would ever be torn from the people they loved most ever again.

 

Lister took a few deep breaths, and then slowly pulled himself up, and began the five minute walk to the Medi-bay. He’d take the test, probably find out nothing was happening, and then he’d laugh about what an idiot he had been. Or he was pregnant again, and he would have to start dealing with the problems he’d been ignoring for the last six years.

 

He'd always distantly wondered about those stomach aches and the mild digestion issues he got each month, and the ensuing reddish tinge to his urine the following week or so. He was no stranger to bloating and kidney infections, and so he’d attributed both to his diet. He had gotten himself checked out years ago – _that_ time just with the Medi-bot, not wanting Kryten to get involved. But Lister had obliviously asked the program to scan his stomach, bowel and kidneys, and so when he was pronounced ‘healthy’, he’d accepted it and his symptoms as just the result of his monthly vindaloo extravaganza (extra hot) which, now he thought about it, he’d started up because he got cravings for that specific dish at that particular time (but _not_ in the last two months – these days he’d been craving sweeter curries – and he hadn’t had the pains, either). It now seemed obvious that he’d been having menstrual cramps, which would explain so much, and Lister didn’t understand how the Medi-bot could have missed it. Unless he hadn’t. Perhaps if the Medi-bot had detected things that he wasn’t expecting to find – but found them to be healthy – he wouldn’t have thought to _tell_ Lister unless specifically asked about them? Computers could be so smegging literal.

 

‘I’m gonna kill him,’ Lister muttered to himself as he arrived, shooting the patient’s chair a resentful look.

 

But he knew this wasn’t entirely the Medi-bot’s fault. Everything was suddenly so ridiculously clear, and Lister knew he’d been avoiding looking into all these strange bodily habits. He supposed he’d refused to even consider that the pains could be something else. He just hadn’t thought it possible. His father would probably walk in and give him a stern talking to for being such a naïve, irresponsible git right about now if he could.

 

Lister went over to the storage section, looking for the pregnancy tests. He couldn’t be dealing with the Medi-bot right now, and he’d never been great with the scanner. When he found a test and pulled it out, he caught sight of his reflection in the glass screen of the consultation area and froze. He looked tired and afraid, like a kid.

 

His entire body gave a twitch, and he looked over at the waste disposal unit in the corner. It was completely ridiculous, and yet...

 

Lister gripped the box in his fist and walked over to the WC. He squinted at the instructions and then removed the plastic stick from the box. Urinating on the stick proved simple enough, and he set it on the sink as he washed his hands. He put the lid of the toilet seat down and sat there as he waited.

 

This was stupid, he thought. There was no way this could be happening, and even if there was – _how_?

 

What had Arlene said when her and Rimmer had walked in on him and Deb all those years ago?

_‘If they didn’t use precautions, he could be up the spout.’_

 

‘Smeg,’ Lister whispered, hiding his face in his hands.

 

Arlene had been so cruel and spiteful; far more than Rimmer. Now he was certain that she had been jealous – but he felt no sympathy for her. She had Deb and the kids all to herself now, didn’t she? Maybe she had the hard-light bee too, assuming that she was still with her _Red Dwarf_ posse.

 

‘Smeg, smeg, _smeg_!’

 

What was he going to do?

 

Lister’s eyes widened, and he sprung off the toilet seat, knelt down to lift it and threw up again.

 

He stayed there, resting his head on his forearms over the toilet bowl for a couple of minutes. When he was sure he wouldn’t be sick anymore, he carefully stood up and walked over to the sink. It must be time by now. Maybe he had been overreacting. Maybe those monthly symptoms really were just a plain old vindaloo hangover... Because if they were a period, he would have gotten off pretty lightly just needing to pee everything out, wouldn’t he? This was ridiculous. He may have had babies before but he was still a _man_  and in _this_ universe, for smeg’s sake...

 

He lifted the stick, and found the result that he already knew he’d see in the little grey box.

 

Positive.

 

 

 

Half an hour later, Lister was sniffling as he lay on the examination table and wiped his nose on a rather scraggly old tissue.

 

‘I thought that this could only happen in Deb’s universe,’ he said thickly. ‘The last time I conceived was because we were there and “their rules applied” and everything.’

 

‘But you gave birth _here_ ,’ Kryten blubbered, still holding the pregnancy test in his hand as he stood over Lister. ‘It must have left you with some inny bits, and I didn’t even think to check! I’m so sorry, sir!’

 

‘No, no – don’t apologise! I’m _okay_ , Kryten.’

 

‘ – Okay?’ Kryten repeated in a small voice. ‘But you’re _crying_?’

 

‘It’s just a lot to take in. It was _my_ responsibility to get meself checked out.’

 

The last few minutes had been rather chaotic. The moment Kryten had seen what a state Lister was in, he’d started fussing over him, which made only him cry more and it had been nearly impossible for him to explain what was actually wrong. Then, having seen the test for himself, Kryten had started verbally abusing the Medi-bot for his negligence, and then blaming himself for his own. It had taken Lister a while to stop him from threatening to microwave his own head, and he didn’t want him relapsing into hysteria again.

 

‘I really need your support though, Krytes,’ he said softly. ‘Someone with a clear head to just tell me what I need to do next.’

 

‘I think – I think the first thing we should do is get a proper examination of your body, sir,’ Kryten stuttered mournfully. ‘And we can get a good look at the foetus at the same time.’

 

‘Good thinking. I need to know exactly how this happened.’

 

‘Do you know who the father is?’

 

‘That’s the thing – there’s a contender, but... I was wondering if _I’ve_ got myself pregnant again?’

 

‘Oh, _sir_!’ gasped Kryten. ‘I didn’t even think of that. We should be able to find out.’

 

‘Just to say – ’ Lister began hastily. ‘I don’t want to _know_ who the father is, yeah? Because if he’s not me, then I already know who it is. Just – I just want to know if it’s mine again or not. That’s all for now.’

 

‘Oh – of – of course, sir.’

 

Lister lay there, while Kryten switched the Medi-bot on and, somewhat coldly, asked him to give Lister a full body scan and a confirmation of the pregnancy. But by the time the examination was over, Lister was hungry, grumpy and exhausted, and so Kryten ordered one of the skutters to get him some food, and asked the Medi-bot to upload his findings into his own databanks before dismissing him.

 

Lister just let Kryten boss everyone around. He knew his friend would be happier telling him everything anyway, and besides, he felt like he needed looking after all of a sudden. This was sort of like losing his arm all over again... except perhaps more as though he’d spontaneously grown another arm that he didn’t know what to do with. He wasn’t sure what to think, even – at this point.

 

‘Well, man, am I definitely preggo?’ Lister asked as he took a bacon sandwich from Bob.

 

‘ – Yes, sir,’ said Kryten. ‘With just the one child this time. Approximately eleven weeks.’

 

Lister let out a breath. That was it, then, he thought.

 

‘Right. I knew I was – but...’ He trailed off as Kryten needlessly cleared his throat.

 

‘Obviously your body was altered after the last pregnancy. You still have a fully-functional womb.’

 

‘I got that much, but how did this _happen_?’

 

‘In much the same way it did last time, sir.’

 

‘Up me todger, then?’

 

‘Er, basically – yes, sir.’

 

‘So – forget about that for the minute. What about the baby? Is it okay?’

 

‘Perfectly healthy and developing normally.’

 

Lister nodded, swallowing.

 

‘And – did you find out anything about its DNA?’

 

‘Yes – the baby is _not_ yours, sir,’ Kryten announced confidently, before his face fell. ‘Well, it _is_ – I mean, of _course_ it is – what I mean to say is that you are not the father.’

 

Lister blinked, fresh tears running down his cheeks. He sobbed and wiped at his face.

 

Kryten let out a few of his own companionable squeaks and put a rock-solid arm around Lister’s shoulders.

 

‘Oh, Mr. Lister,’ he whimpered. ‘There is – something else, if I may ask?’

 

‘Go ahead, man.’

 

‘As you conceived in this universe, then that must mean you engaged in intercourse with another man at some point. I am aware that you regard yourself as heterosexual, and what with us having been confined in prison for all those months... in which case... oh, _sir_ – was it consensual?’

 

‘It’s not – ’ Lister began, startled by the question. ‘ _God_ , it’s nothing like that, Kryters. I – I slept with this guy and – it was what we both wanted. I’m upset ‘cause... it’s just that – well, this means that my kid’s father is dead.’

 

Kryten paused, his expression doubtful.

 

‘If I may ask, then – Who _is_ the father, sir?’

 

‘I can’t talk about that right now. I just want to eat, go to sleep for a while and then probably throw up some more.’

 

Clutching the sandwich to his chest, Lister pulled himself up off the table and stood. He looked at Kryten again.

 

‘So, while I’m here; is there _any_ risk of me getting myself pregnant – again?’ he asked.

 

‘No, sir,’ said Kryten softly. ‘Human women are only fertile for a certain amount of time each month, as are you. It seems that during that time, your semen must be either sterile or unavailable.’

 

‘So – when one part of my reproductive system’s working, the other part shuts off?’

 

‘In a way, yes.’

 

‘No wonder I get so smegging horny,’ said Lister grumpily as he took a huge bite of his sandwich.

 

‘I suppose that  _could_ account for it, sir.’

 

Lister sighed, giving Kryten a pat on the shoulder.

 

‘Thanks.’

 

‘Of course, Mr. Lister. Get some rest now.’

 

When Lister reached his quarters, he sank down onto the bottom bunk and finished his sandwich thoughtfully.

 

‘There we are, then,’ he murmured, still chewing.

 

But thank God he wasn't pregnant with himself this time, he thought. All his children had, so far, been himself or conceived with himself. He loved them all dearly, but the whole thing was a bit of a mind-fuck sometimes. And he’d had to give them all away, hadn’t he? But _this_ one, surely...?

 

It felt a bit unstable, getting hopeful. If anything went wrong this time he didn’t know if he could handle it.

 

Even thinking about his children was something he found difficult. He’d started sending himself Father’s Day cards, which he supposed was a bit mad but he found it comforting. Mother’s Day and the twins’ birthday were both a bit too painful to celebrate properly, but Father’s Day was a day he felt happy reminiscing about all his kids.

 

So what now?

 

‘What would Kris do?’ he murmured to himself as he set his plate on the floor and snuggled up on the bottom bunk.

 

If Kochanski were here, she’d take charge of things, he knew. There would be no room for sitting around moping. She’d have said things like, ‘A baby is for life, Dave. You need to prepare yourself.’

 

She would have made a great dad, he thought mildly as he drifted off to sleep.

 

But she wasn’t the dad.


	2. The Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister tells the Cat, and remembers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Past character death in this one.
> 
> Apologies for so much exposition.

 

‘Cat?’ said Lister. ‘Can I talk to you for a sec?’

 

‘Sure thing, bud!’ replied the Cat. ‘Need to dry my nails anyway.’

 

‘Let’s sit down.’

 

They sat at the table in Lister’s quarters - where Cat occasionally slept too. He stared at his cuticles as Lister watched him.

 

‘Cat,’ said Lister. ‘I’m pregnant.’

 

The Cat looked up at him then, and burst out laughing.

 

‘Oh, man – !’ he said, shaking with mirth. ‘You really land yourself in it sometimes, don’t you? Keeps me entertained, though!’

 

Lister crossed his arms, glaring at him as he finally quieted down and went back to blowing on his nails.

 

‘I just thought you should know,’ said Lister. ‘That there’s gonna be a new baby. And I’m keeping it this time.’

 

‘Okay,’ said Cat, nodding. ‘And you’re okay and everything?’

 

‘I’m fine thanks, man,’ said Lister, taken aback by the concern.

 

‘Good,’ said the Cat. ‘You know me – I do _not_ play nurse.’

 

Lister deflated.

 

‘I know,’ he said, rolling his eyes.

 

A couple of minutes went by, with Cat admiring his shiny nail polish, and Lister staring into space. Suddenly, the Cat looked up at Lister curiously.

 

‘Who’s the father?’ he asked. ‘Is it Kochanski?’

 

‘No, man,’ said Lister, shaking his head. ‘The father’s a bloke.’

 

‘Is it _me_?!’

 

Lister leaned away from him, staring at his friend incredulously.

 

‘...Cat – when have we _ever_ had sex?’ he asked.

 

‘Sex?!’ repeated the Cat in disgust. ‘I never said anything about sex. But a guy can’t be too careful around here. One minute you’re minding your own business, the next you’re told you’re a father! And, let’s face it, if _anyone_ could spontaneously impregnate somebody – ’

 

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Lister cut across him, waving a hand dismissively.

 

‘Well, you could take some comfort in the fact that if it was _my_ kid it would be at least half-decent looking!’

 

‘ _Cat_!’

 

‘So who _is_ the father, then?’

 

‘He died with the rest of the nano-crew, okay? That’s all I’m saying for now.’

 

‘Okay, okay – keep your hair on, bud! Ew! – It’s not Mr. Ackerman, is it?’

 

 _‘Eurgh,_ Cat, no!’

 

‘Kill Crazy? He was crazy, after all!’

 

‘For smeg’s sake, no! And I’m not telling you!’

 

‘Baxter?!

 

‘ _No_! I know what you’re thinking, but this kid is _not_ the result of some communal shower surprise, okay?’

 

‘Okay. Okay. So who is it?’

 

‘For the last time, Cat, I’m not telling you!’

 

The Cat opened his mouth again, only to be cut off by Holly.

 

‘Sorry to disturb, guys – But I've just found a crate full of clothes in the cargo bay. Thought one of you might be interested.’

 

The Cat perked up and jumped to his feet.

 

‘Hey!’ he said to Holly cheerfully. ‘I missed you when you were gone, you know, buddy?’

 

Holly nodded at him as he swept out.

 

Lister sighed.

 

‘Thanks, Hol.’

 

‘Not going to tell them, then?’ said Holly.

 

Lister paused, glancing up at the screen.

 

‘ – Tell them what, man?’

 

‘Ah, it’s like that, is it?’

 

‘What’s like what?’

 

‘The father of your child.’ Holly’s face was twisted into something that resembled pity. ‘It’s staying a secret, then?’

 

‘You what?’

 

They stared at each other for a moment.

 

‘ – Nothing,’ said Holly casually, shaking his head.

 

Lister sighed, leaning down to rest his head on the table.

 

‘Holly – do you know something?’ he mumbled against the cold surface.

 

‘No, not really,’ said Holly. ‘It’s just it’s obvious, isn’t it?’

 

‘Is it?’

 

‘A few times I came close to switching Rimmer off in the early days,’ he said, and Lister lifted his head back up sharply to look at him. ‘Ironically, I’d thought the pair of you might do each other a lot of good.’

 

‘What do you mean, Hol?’

 

‘I _had_ considered bringing back Kochanski instead, but then I thought about how down you were when you broke up. I wasn’t sure what would happen with her hologram, and I thought it might be pretty catastrophic for both of you if it didn’t work out. I meant what I said about you and Rimmer sharing more time and conversation together than with anyone else, even if you weren’t getting on. But I suppose I’d just expected you might both sort it out between you in the circumstances. Took you a bit longer than I’d hoped. And you never did get together.’

 

Lister stared at the screen.

 

‘You thought we fancied each other?’ he asked, stunned.

 

Holly nodded.

 

‘I won’t pretend to be a relationship expert, but I’ve an IQ of six thousand,’ he said. ‘I didn’t think it was really in debate. In all the time you spent on _Red Dwarf_ , both before and after the accident, the pair of you didn’t even take separate rooms. I know physical intimacy is a big thing for humans – I thought it was inevitable. Never mind. Still, it would have been dead romantic, wouldn’t it?’

 

Lister thought back to that evening in the Tank; Rimmer’s surprised, vulnerable expression as Lister had pulled back to draw breath after their first kiss.

 

‘Who’d have thought you needed to be literally imprisoned together to make things work?’ Holly mused. ‘Gotta laugh about these things, haven’t you?’

 

‘Holly,’ said Lister desperately. ‘ _Please_ don’t tell the others. I’m not ready for them to know about Rimmer being the father.’

 

‘No, it’s not the sort of news you just spring on someone, is it?’

 

Lister frowned at him. Holly really had become more senile in their time away.

 

‘Look, man, please just keep it to yourself, yeah?’ he said.

 

‘Okay, dude,' said Holly. 'Your secret’s safe with me.’

 

‘ – Thank you.’

 

'I'd better go and help the Cat find that crate. I'll see you later.'

 

Holly's face disappeared from the screen.

 

Lister was left reeling from the computer's words. Had part of the reason he’d been stuck with Rimmer all this time _really_ been because Holly had tried playing matchmaker? It seemed mad, but then so had the idea of Rimmer being brought back to keep him sane when they hated each other. And the idea that they’d spent more time with each other than anyone else.

 

It didn’t really matter now though, did it? Both Rimmers were gone. Nano-Rimmer was dead, and they hadn’t heard from their original Rimmer in... what, two years? He was probably dead, too. It made Lister feel sick thinking about it. He'd asked about bringing back Nano-Rimmer as a hologram, but many of the files had been wiped along with the nanobots’ departure. If they went ahead with it, they would be awakening another Rimmer who wouldn’t know them, and who would be in a soft-light body, in an environment where there was no order or promotion prospects to speak of. Lister just couldn’t do that to him. And besides, none of the others particularly wanted Rimmer back.

 

The moment Lister realised that the nanobots had resurrected Rimmer, he’d known he was in trouble. Of course there was the arrest and the other nano-crewmembers, but it had all seemed to melt away the second he’d heard Rimmer’s voice. He’d been so pleased to see his old bunkmate that he’d nearly jumped up and hugged him. And then he’d realised that this Rimmer was alive, and not really the man he’d been missing for over a year. The man he’d been dreaming about.

 

But being in such close proximity with the new Rimmer had been too much. Lister had wanted so much for him to be a part of the team again, that even the man himself had been visibly surprised whenever Lister turned to him for his input, or even just a laugh.

 

It had been easy for Lister to forgive him for his betrayal over the trial, and once he’d explained that he’d known pouring the sexual magnetism virus over Rimmer’s clothes would only have drawn the other prisoners to the _clothes_ and not actually him, the guy had loosened up. Lister was an annoying git, certainly, but he wasn’t _sick_.

 

After that, Lister had marvelled at this strange new relationship they shared. They still bickered, of course, but there was a sense of camaraderie between them – it was them against Ackerman, them against Baxter and his cronies; even them against Captain Hollister. They really had spent more time together than anyone else, and although it was to be expected given that they were cellmates, it had felt like a choice.

 

And then one night, after a particularly gruelling Canaries mission, things changed between them again. Of course, the morning after Rimmer had been extremely embarrassed and accused Lister of secreting some of the sexual magnetism virus somewhere, but then later in the day he’d tugged him down onto his bunk, concerns apparently resolved. He had been under the impression that this was something Lister and his holographic counterpart had done all the time. Lister did explain that it had never _quite_ been like this; the shared jokes, the plotting together... and certainly not the sex. But Lister had figured that if the notion helped Rimmer come to terms with his own feelings, the guy could believe whatever he wanted.

 

They hadn’t ever really discussed their future, or what they were to each other, but Lister felt certain that they would have told the others and become official. Although... maybe by now the pregnancy would have scared him off, who could tell? He hadn’t been around for the last one, after all.

 

But all too soon, things had come to an end. The microbe had started eating the ship, the rest of the crew took the escape pods and abandoned them, and so they’d sent Rimmer in to go and get the formula for the antidote. Unusually, he’d volunteered. Maybe he’d wanted to prove himself – the Cat’s idea he’d just wanted to run away was obviously completely untrue.

 

Kryten was certain that the nanobots must have been frightened out of hiding and attached themselves to Rimmer when he’d returned to their universe. Where the little gits had been all of that time, they still had no idea, and it was also presumably them who fixed the prism laser up again so that Rimmer could follow Lister, Kryten, Kochanski and the Cat back into the mirror universe. And Rimmer _had_ done it, and he’d told them what they had to do. But he’d already been dying. Smoke inhalation from the toxic fumes of the burning ship, and he was concussed. By the time they’d gotten the correct formula off the professor, found four gas masks, and gone back to their own universe, it was clear that he wasn’t going to make it.

 

The nanobots had done their best to repair what they could of the floors, but with the virus constantly eating bits away they'd had to keep moving. The Cat and Kochanski had battled the flames, while Lister and Kryten carried Rimmer. When they’d reached the closest science bay, they carefully lay Rimmer on a table.

 

‘I’m sorry, sir,’ Kryten had said quietly. ‘There’s no time to get him to a Medi-bay, and even if there was – ’

 

‘It’s okay, man,’ Lister replied softly. ‘I’ll stay with him.’

 

Kochanski found someone’s jacket and put it under Rimmer's head, before heading over to the laboratory to make a start on the antidote.

 

It had been total chaos. The nanobots successfully repaired what they could of the science bay doors and sealed them in. The Cat made himself useful for once, assisting Kochanski and Kryten. Kryten had been shouting reprimands at the nanobots on and off between discussing the process with the others.

 

Meanwhile, Rimmer had been making terrible, wheezing noises behind the mask as he lay there, weak and in and out of consciousness. Lister had stroked his hair and told him to breathe – that everything would be okay – that he’d take care of him. He had been too afraid to remove the gas mask, not sure if the dangerous fumes were in the room with them or not.

 

‘You saved us all, man,’ he’d said, his voice resounding inside his own mask. ‘You saved us.’

 

He hadn’t been sure of that, then. But it didn’t matter. Rimmer deserved to hear it. And he deserved to know that he was loved, and that was exactly what Lister had told him.

 

Rimmer must have died a couple of minutes after that, before Kochanski raised the test tube in her hand triumphantly.

 

‘We’ve got it!’ she’d cried, and gave the Cat a high-five.

 

The nanobots dispersed the antidote for them. It took barely ten minutes before they’d covered their area of the ship. Kryten had still been apoplectic, demanding that they put everything back to how it should be. But they took it more literally than he'd anticipated. The ship changed back to its original dimensions, and the escape pods and all the resurrected crew vanished. And then Rimmer’s body disappeared. It was just gone. Like the nano-crew and – once they’d finished fixing the ship – the nanobots themselves.

 

Lister hadn’t been able to speak at the funeral service this time. Kochanski did it for him instead, placing a medal of bravery into a canister on its own and firing it out into space. She was the only one he’d told about him and Rimmer. Oddly, she hadn't been at all surprised.

 

That was approaching two months ago now, and Lister had only his memories of Rimmer. But some nice ones. Especially the ones based in their cell. Those were great.

 

‘You bastard,’ thought Lister fondly, wiping at his eyes. ‘ _You_ did this to me.’


	3. The Home Environment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the weeks progress, Lister prepares himself as much as he can, and tries to get the Cat accustomed to the idea of becoming an uncle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all my readers! Hope you enjoy this chapter!

 

Two weeks after Lister found out he was pregnant, he finally felt brave enough to have his first proper scan. He wasn’t really fussed about finding out the gender, although it was too early for that anyway, but he made a note to check on his child's physiology as they grew up, in case he ended up with a boy who had periods or a girl who could get other people pregnant. Aside from that, he only really cared if they were happy and healthy.

 

All the scan really showed was a little bean-like thing, but seeing it, and hearing its heartbeat suddenly made this very real.

 

Lister was grateful for the distraction from his grief, and he was starting to tentatively look forward to it. In fact, he was determined to keep looking ahead. He’d decided that he needed to get on with things; sitting around moping had done him no good during the last pregnancy. He knew he’d always been a bit of a slob; his grandmother had spoiled him in wake of his parents’ deaths, and being the last human alive hadn’t really motivated him to take care of his appearance, at least in the early days.

 

One morning, as Lister was approaching the fifteenth week of pregnancy, Kryten walked into Lister’s quarters and did a double take.

 

‘ – Mr. Lister, sir?’ he said cautiously, watching Lister move about. ‘What are you doing?’

 

‘Cleaning,’ replied Lister, glowering down at a particularly offensive crusty splodge on the table as he advanced on it, cleaning cloth in hand.

 

‘Sir – are you quite well?’

 

‘I’m fine, Krytes.’ Lister attacked the splodge, rubbing it furiously with the cloth. ‘Ha! Little smegger.’

 

He turned back around – cloth raised like a weapon – to survey his quarters, which had been turned upside down somewhat in his resolve to scrub every surface. He noticed Kryten still watching him dubiously, and sighed.

 

‘It’s all right, man,’ he said, lowering his arm. ‘I just – I need to clean up my act. I’m gonna be a father-mother again, I can’t lie around expecting other people to tidy up after me.’

 

‘D-does this mean you _don’t_ want me to do your ironing anymore, sir?’ asked Kryten in a very small voice.

 

Lister paused. There was little else as tedious as ironing, and Kryten _had_ always talked about how much he enjoyed doing it.

 

‘...Unless you’re happy doing that Kryten – you could carry on if you like?’ he said tentatively.

 

Kryten’s face lit up.

 

‘Oh, thank you, sir!’ he cried. ‘And – could I _please_ do the ironing for all the baby’s clothes when it’s here?’ Kryten mimed ironing something very tiny in his squared hands.

 

Lister smiled.

 

‘’Course you can,’ he said.

 

Kryten raised his fists in triumphant joy.

 

‘Oh, wonderful!’ he said. ‘I can’t wait!’

 

Lister gave him a small smile, before practically leaping to the other side of the room when he noticed some kind of liquid stain on the door of a cupboard.

 

‘But – sir, there really is no need to tire yourself out like this,’ said Kryten, peering over to see Lister rubbing away.

 

‘I’m not tiring myself – I’m keeping active.’ Lister scrubbed at the line of dried liquid. 'Might as well make the most of it having a small – well – _smaller_ belly.’

 

‘You’re doing very well, sir – Why, if you weren’t pregnant you’d be very slim by now. And your diet is much improved, too.’

 

‘It’s all that raw stuff I can’t get my head around.’ Lister stood up straight, balled the cloth up and threw it into his laundry basket, wrinkling his nose. ‘Raw fruit and veg; _why_? I get you need both but why _raw_? Isn’t life disappointing enough already?’

 

He remembered the chart Rimmer had gleefully made for him last time; listing raw fruit and vegetables, nuts, seeds, and every possible thing under the sun that had made Lister want to heave. And there had been a list of things he couldn’t have, just to twist the knife even further. He could still hear Rimmer’s overly cheerful voice saying, ‘No cigarettes or alcohol for _you_ , miladdo!’ He’d thrown that chart at Rimmer’s projection, and back then it had gone right through the guy’s smug face.

 

‘Well, you’ve certainly been getting your five a day,’ remarked Kryten.

 

‘I think I managed all right with that stew,’ said Lister thoughtfully. ‘Lucky I don’t want all my food really spicy at the moment. Can’t seem to take it. You could almost tell this kid’s – ’ He stopped suddenly. ‘Anyway, I think maybe I’m sprouting new taste buds.’

 

‘And no alcohol or cigarettes since you found out – I’m very proud of you, sir.’

 

‘I don’t really smoke like I used to. I think I _started_ getting put off during that mind swap fiasco – Rimmer really screwed me body up.’ Lister barely stopped his voice cracking as he finished his sentence. It was one of those days where he felt as though he couldn’t avoid the man in conversation. And Rimmer had certainly screwed his body up since then, hadn’t he?

 

He took a deep breath. ‘And anyway – we never had a lot on _Starbug_.’

 

Kryten nodded awkwardly, and went to fetch Lister’s laundry basket.

 

 

 

By eighteen weeks, the morning sickness had passed and Lister could feel the baby moving around. He’d also developed a proper little bump.

 

He was shocked one morning when he processed that it had been nearly _eight years_ since he had Jim and Bexley. If he’d been able to keep all his children, he’d have two seven-year-olds and a two-year-old running around now. It was a sobering thought. The first pregnancy had faded fast in his mind, and as baby David had gestated in a simulator, he hadn’t had much to remind him of all the little aches, cravings and mood swings. He’d been glad Kochanski had agreed to that. He didn’t think either of them could have gone through a pregnancy _knowing_ they’d have to give the baby up. But now, as the weeks progressed, little details came back to Lister. Sometimes it irritated him; filled him with dread that he had months more of this to go. Sometimes it amused him, and he’d remember talking out loud to his big belly; telling the twins off for kicking each other. And sometimes it scared him, wondering just what was going to happen with this child.

 

If he lost this one, too – he didn’t think he’d cope. And if he _didn’t_ lose them... what then?

 

He wanted to be a good parent, and even if he got to keep the baby, the dangers wouldn’t be gone. The child would need to learn about its environment, and quickly. While the _Red Dwarf_ had sheltered Lister for three million years, and he had fondly accepted it as home, it was still a mining vessel that had not been built with children in mind. If Lister could accidentally trigger mechanisms or confuse buttons, a child certainly could. Space was fraught with peril, and the simplest, most innocent of mistakes could be fatal. And they were not really alone in this universe, either. There were monsters out there; lurking on planets and meteorites; in abandoned ships and stations, and sometimes even within themselves.

 

No – Lister wouldn’t have it. This kid was going to learn as much as he could teach them, from how to pilot  _Starbug_ and fire a bazookoid, to how much bog roll was acceptable to use in a shortage. But he also wanted them to grow up knowing love and stability. His thoughts often strayed to Rimmer’s unhappy childhood, and it made him even more determined to suck it to the guy’s awful family and raise the kid with affection, sensitivity and as much freedom as it was safe to give. And _that_ thought turned Lister’s attention to his friends.

 

Being a single parent, Lister was going to need the support of everyone else on board.

 

Kryten and Holly didn’t worry him. Kryten’s jealousy over Kochanski had long since passed, and they’d made quite the team in the end. But the prospect of a baby taking up Lister’s time and attention didn’t seem to trouble him in the slightest. He seemed eager for the baby’s arrival; to see what it looked like, and hold it and provide care.

 

Meanwhile, Holly was being as casual and cooperative as ever. He’d already listed the child as crewmember, ‘RD 52 170’ in case the scanners freaked out about the new life form on board, or if he forgot. And like last time, he’d directed Lister to as many resources for him and the baby as he possibly could.

 

But Lister _was_ slightly concerned about the Cat. If he reacted badly; was jealous or annoyed by it, Lister wasn’t sure if it would be better to keep the little one out of his way, or try to force them to bond. If the kid was at all like Rimmer... maybe the Cat’s indifference was for the best. But Lister didn’t like the thought of his child sensing disinterest or contempt from the guy. Short of a miracle; there would be no other children for it to play with, and apart from Lister; the Cat, Kryten and Holly would be the only other family it knew. It actually left Lister stumped. He’d underestimated just how much there was to think about.

 

When he realised that one day the kid would ask about its family, Lister formulated a plan to help get the Cat interested in the baby. He decided to make a family tree.

 

At the table in his quarters, he laid out a big sheet of paper. In the centre, he drew a circle, and put his name on one side of it, with Kochanski’s name on the other. Within the circle, he wrote David’s name. He drew a line from his name off to the left, and wrote Deb’s name at the end of it, then drew another line down off that one, and wrote ‘Jim and Bexley’ beneath it. He paused when he looked down at the sheet, and then drew in the connections with his adoptive family. He smiled as he finished writing his grandmother’s name at the very top, and then added in the names of Kochanski’s parents (with a couple of question marks beside them, as he wasn’t sure if he’d remembered their names correctly). He made to start drawing the line off to the right that would eventually link him to Rimmer and their child, but hesitated. He still hadn’t told the others that Rimmer was the father, and he didn’t want to reveal it like this.

 

Instead, on the far left side of the paper, Lister wrote ‘The Cat’, with a long line leading up to Frankenstein’s name, and then ‘Kryten’, ‘Lister’ and ‘Rimmer’ to make a circle. He linked the four names together with curved lines, and then wrote ‘Boys from the Dwarf’ in the circle for now, and then inserted Holly’s and Kochanski’s names in there too. He nodded to himself. That looked about right – a bit messy, but with all the names of the people he loved. They _were_ family, after all.

 

‘Heeey!’ greeted the Cat as he twirled in a while later. He paused by the table, obviously having spotted his name. ‘What’s all this?’

 

‘It’s a family tree,’ explained Lister, now reclining on the bottom bunk. ‘For the baby when it’s older so it can see where it comes from.’

 

‘Oh, that’s _nice_ ,’ said Cat. ‘But you got this _all_ wrong, man.’

 

He stuck his hand into his belt and brought out a sparkly gel pen. He bent over the paper and began writing.

 

‘Oi, what are you doing?’ Lister demanded, sitting up to have a look.

 

‘I’m accessorising my name!’ said Cat. ‘I can’t have _my_ name seen somewhere all plain and _boring_.’

 

Lister swung his legs over the side of the bunk and moved over to the table. He looked down to find that Cat’s name was, indeed, now flanked by glittering gold stars and swirls.

 

The Cat continued doodling until Lister noticed that the ‘accessories’ were beginning to advance on Kryten and Rimmer’s names below and on either side of it.

 

‘Okay, that’s shiny enough now,’ said Lister, nudging him gently.

 

‘I like this family plant idea,’ said Cat, capping the gel pen and looking down at it approvingly.

 

‘Tree.’

 

‘Whatever. I might do my own, but with my name bigger and fancier!’ Cat waved his hands over the entire page excitedly.

 

Lister grinned.

 

‘So, basically just your name on a big piece of paper?’ he said.

 

‘Sounds good to me!’

 

Lister chuckled.

 

‘Yeah, sounds good,’ he said sarcastically. ‘You could stick it on the fridge.’

 

‘Nah, I’m framing this baby.’

 

‘Cool.’ Lister looked at him hopefully. ‘ – You know, Cat - I did this because you’re gonna be the kid’s uncle?’

 

The Cat looked at him suspiciously.

 

‘ – I am?’ he asked.

 

‘Yeah. That’s a really important role in the baby's life.’

 

Cat grimaced.

 

‘I’m _not_ changing it!’ he hissed.

 

‘No – no I wouldn’t ask you to do that,’ said Lister, shaking his head. ‘But you know it’s really gonna look up to you when it’s older?’

 

‘It is?’

 

‘Of course it is – You’ve been with us all the way through. You piloted _Starbug,_ you came up with some great plans... sometimes.’

 

The Cat nodded thoughtfully.

 

‘And who else are they gonna go to when they want hair or style advice?’ Lister continued.

 

‘Yeah!’ said the Cat somewhat dreamily. He looked Lister up and down. ‘You’re getting big now – I’d better get thinking about this.’

 

‘Oh, it’s not gonna be old enough for a while yet, Cat.’

 

‘Still! Maybe I can make it some outfits now?’

 

‘That’s... that would be sweet, Cat,’ said Lister uneasily, getting a strange image of a baby in a shiny, zebra print onesie.

 

‘Then we could match!’

 

Lister frowned at him in realisation.

 

‘Cat – the baby’s not gonna be your accessory,’ he said sternly.

 

‘Well that’s what _you_ think, buddy!’

 

The Cat rushed out, his long, velvet coat flaring out behind him.

 

‘You’re _not_ dressing it up!’ Lister called after him, shaking his head as he turned back to the family tree still on the table.

 

He raised an eyebrow when he saw that the Cat had also drawn a little halo above Frankenstein’s name.

 

 

At twenty-two weeks, Lister was really starting to show. All of his check ups had gone well so far, and he had a due date; May 21st (or what passed for it as they were still unsure as to the time of year), and he’d be having a caesarean. He was feeling good.

 

He may have relented on the ironing front, but he diligently kept on with keeping his quarters clean. He doubted he’d ever be really tidy, but was strict with himself on actual muck; food spillages and dirty dishes and clothes were dealt with in reasonable time, and he tried to keep as much clutter off the floors as he could. He even began working harder at the upkeep of the ship. He’d found that many tasks were a great opportunity for him to do the little exercises Kryten had told him about. There seemed to be rather a lot of squatting involved, which was good for him. Kryten had officially banned him from doing anything too dangerous, but he found actually doing his old job to be quite a decent way of passing the time. The Skutters and Holly kept an eye on him and made sure he wasn’t overexerting himself, but generally he got on with it alone.

 

One evening, after a short shift repairing one of the dispensers, Lister returned to his quarters to find Kryten and the Cat sitting on the sofa ready for movie night. He smiled as he looked around a fairly clean and tidy room; Kryten and Cat bickering mildly over what sort of film to choose. He felt... somewhat organised. Kochanski would have been proud of him, he thought.

 

‘What’s it gonna be tonight, guys?’ he said, going to wash his hands at the sink.

 

‘Well, sir,’ said Kryten. ‘We’ve narrowed it down to a choice between _Jurassic Park_ and _–_ and _–_ ’

 

‘Hm?’ said Lister, drying his hands off.

 

‘My heavens!’ exclaimed Kryten, and Lister turned to see him staring at the entrance to the quarters.

 

‘Ace!’ cried the Cat gleefully, and Lister’s stomach lurched.

 

‘Mr. Ace, sir!’ said Kryten delightedly.

 

‘Hello, you chaps,’ came Ace’s drawl.

 

Lister looked back down at the sink, too frightened to turn around.

 

Was he dreaming, he wondered? No – the dampness still on his hands was testament to that. So who was this, standing in the doorway?

 

‘ – Davey-boy?’ said Ace.

 

Lister froze, heart thumping powerfully against his ribcage as he turned.

 

Sure enough, Ace was standing there; tall, golden and handsome. Lister thought his heart might burst. Which Ace _was_ this?

 

‘Smeg,’ he whispered.

 

Abruptly, Ace’s smouldering expression; his cool stance and accent dropped as his nostrils flared in obvious shock.

 

‘Oh, _smeg_!’ gasped Rimmer, staring at Lister’s rounded belly.


	4. The Bump

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holo-Rimmer's back, and the gang fill him in on what's happened.

 

‘You said he was dead!’ howled the Cat.

 

Lister rolled his eyes, his hands firmly clasped together to hide their shaking. They were all sitting around the table, mugs of tea in front of them. Rimmer, now back in his blue uniform, wig removed, and with the H in place on his forehead, sneered.

 

‘I’m sorry I lied,’ said Lister. ‘But you understand why, right? Rimmer had a job to do.’ He looked up at Rimmer then, heart still feeling as though it was lodged in his throat. He swallowed. ‘So... what are you doing back here, man? Is everything okay?’

 

‘Good of you to ask, Lister,’ said Rimmer grumpily.

 

‘Are _you_ okay?’

 

Rimmer blinked at the question, clearly caught off guard.

 

‘ – I’m all right,’ he said.

 

Lister exhaled. He’d almost forgotten how Rimmer’s voice went deep like that sometimes. He was still worried; the memory of finding the previous Ace’s burnt out light bee still fresh in his mind.

 

‘You should get a check up,’ he said, then turned to Kryten. ‘Would you be all right to give him a once over, Krytes?’

 

‘Of course, sir,’ said Kryten, nodding dutifully.

 

‘I _am_ fine,’ said Rimmer.

 

‘All the same, sir, I think Mr. Lister is right.’

 

‘Maybe later.’

 

‘Rimmer,’ said Lister seriously. ‘What’s going on? Is this a flying visit, or are you staying?’

 

The Cat, who was leaning on his elbows against the table’s surface moodily, pulled a face.

 

Rimmer drew himself up slightly, shrugging.

 

‘Well, as it happens, I’ve done a fair bit of solo adventuring,’ he drawled. ‘I thought I’d better come back and check you hadn’t resorted to eating each other out of desperation – how _tragic_ that would be. Still, now I know you haven’t, and you’ve managed to get the _Dwarf_ back, I think I’ll take some rest. A holiday, if you will.’

 

‘A holiday,’ repeated Lister.

 

‘A short holiday?’ asked the Cat with a hopeful grin.

 

‘I was thinking more of an extended holiday, actually,’ said Rimmer icily, and the Cat’s face fell.

 

Lister smiled.

 

‘Rimmer, man – why don’t you just admit you want to stay?’ he said.

 

‘Let’s see, shall we?’ said Rimmer, and looked around at them all defensively. ‘May I remind you all that I _am_ still the highest-ranking crewmember on board this ship, and as such I don’t need your permission to be here.’

 

Lister held his hands up.

 

‘Nobody’s trying to stop you,’ he said.

 

‘Wait – we’re _not_?’ muttered the Cat, and Lister elbowed him before opening his mouth to ask Rimmer about his time away, but Rimmer got there first.

 

‘How _did_ you get the ship back?’ asked Rimmer, looking around the quarters. ‘She doesn’t look too bad.’ He glanced down at Lister’s belly. ‘And... what the smeg's been going _on?’_

 

‘Have you got all night?’ said Lister, shooting a grin at Kryten.

 

 _‘Yes,_ as a matter of fact.’

 

With the occasional input of Kryten, Lister began to tell Rimmer everything that had happened (omitting the detail about his dreams and how much he’d missed him) since he left. He got to the bit about when they met Kochanski, and Rimmer scowled in visible disbelief. Lister paused in his story, but when Rimmer didn’t say anything, he continued until he got to the bit about the invitro tube and baby David’s abandonment.

 

Rimmer was staring down into his now empty mug in obvious bewilderment, and Lister found he was unable to stop watching his reactions – as though he was waiting for a response from Rimmer but wasn’t sure what it was. The Cat had gone off in a huff a few minutes earlier, and Kryten was now over in the kitchenette boiling the kettle again.

 

‘And then that was it,’ said Lister. ‘We’d done our bit to complete the circuit, and Kris was stuck with us.’

 

‘And she’s the father of this one?’ said Rimmer suddenly, gesturing down at Lister’s baby bump.

 

‘ – No,’ said Lister, his heart racing again. He wished he could have told Rimmer about the pregnancy himself. A stranger would assume he just had a beer belly on sight, but Rimmer knew exactly what a pregnant Lister looked like. There would never have been any hiding it from him.

 

Rimmer opened his mouth, probably to ask the identity of the father, but Lister cut across him.

 

‘Anyway, Kris had a hard time settling in – ’

 

Kryten gave a disapproving sniff in the corner.

 

‘You could have been nicer, Krytes,’ Lister said softly over his shoulder. ‘I know how you felt, but she was on her own.’

 

‘But she wasn’t alone, sir – she had us,’ said Kryten. ‘ _You_.’

 

‘You know what I mean. She didn’t have any of hercrew with her – she didn’t know us. And anyway you’re over this now. I know you were as upset as I was when she left.’

 

Kryten squeaked.

 

‘She’s not still here, then?’ asked Rimmer.

 

‘Nah, she found a way back to her Lister,’ said Lister.

 

There was an uneasy silence for a moment. Lister could sense Kryten shuffling from foot to foot as he did when he was nervous. He knew why – they weren’t actually certain that Kochanski _had_ made it back to her universe, but Lister felt in his heart that she had. He was so _sure_ she was alive and happy.

 

Rimmer shifted uncomfortably then too, and Lister quickly went back to talking about their time in space, getting to the bit about the _Leviathan_ , finding Carmen’s body, the Epideme virus and losing his arm, and then the nanobots reconstructing it. Finally, he explained that the nanobots turned out to be responsible for stealing _Red Dwarf_.

 

As Lister spoke, Rimmer’s face quickly twisted in fury.

 

‘You mean this whole thing has been because you couldn’t keep your smegging parasites under control?!’ he roared at Kryten, who had come over to collect their mugs.

 

‘Mr. Rimmer!’ said Kryten. ‘I respect that things were difficult, but I really must protest – My nanobots are _not_ parasitical!’

 

‘Well, thank _you_. Thank you for two years of claustrophobic terror and uncertainty, and _that_ was just from being in close proximity to Lister’s long johns! There was also the other six-hundred years I spent in that smegging cell!’

 

Lister raised his eyebrows slightly in resigned understanding. The nanos were responsible for so many things that had gone wrong for them. It was difficult not to blame the little shits, even for the fact that without them, he wouldn’t be pregnant right now.

 

‘It wasn’t Kryten’s fault, though,’ he said softly. ‘It just all got out of hand.’

 

‘Thank you, Mr. Lister,’ said Kryten, shooting Rimmer a hurt look.

 

‘I should say it got out of hand!’ barked Rimmer, folding his arms over his chest to silently fume for a moment.

 

Kryten went to pour out more tea and brought it back over, then he took over the storytelling, going into how they rediscovered Holly, returned to the newly rebuilt _Red Dwarf_ , and all its resurrected crew. He explained how they got arrested, and Lister was taken to his and Rimmer’s old quarters, only to discover that Rimmer had also been brought back to life.

 

‘I was _alive_?’ asked Rimmer, a strange look in his eyes.

 

‘You were alive, sir, but it was like none of it had ever happened for you,’ said Kryten. ‘You didn’t remember anything of the accident, in fact none of the resurrected crew did.’

 

 ‘So – I was younger?’

 

‘ – No,’ said Lister. ‘It was like everyone who was brought back had caught up with us. They didn’t seem to notice, though. The problem was that none of them knew about the accident, so to them it looked like me and Kris had taken out a _Starbug_ unauthorised and crashed it. _And_ smuggled two unregistered people onto the ship. We got arrested – Did you know we’ve got a brig on Floor 13?’

 

‘Yes I did, as a matter of fact,’ said Rimmer proudly. His face fell when he saw Lister and Kryten frowning at him. ‘What? I found it by mistake once whilst trying to locate a fault in one of the air ducts.’

 

‘Yeah – _mistake_ ,’ Holly piped up from his screen.

 

Rimmer licked his lips distractedly and addressed the computer over his shoulder.

 

‘Hello, Holly. Back to being a bloke then, are you?’

 

‘Felt right for the time,’ said Holly, managing to shrug even without possessing shoulders. 

 

‘Mm. I would tell you I’d missed you, but it would be a big fat smegging lie.’

 

‘Oh, I wouldn’t expect that from _you_ , Arnold, mate,’ said Holly sarcastically. 'I see you've got yourself a body now. Would you like me to track another Rachael down for you?'

 

Rimmer scrunched his nose up irritably and turned back to the others.

 

‘So, you were arrested?’ he said awkwardly.

 

Lister and Kryten filled him in on them being tricked by Hollister, the trial, and Nano-Rimmer’s betrayal.

 

‘What a surprise,’ said Holly dryly at the last part as Rimmer frowned.

 

‘So we were _all_ put in the brig,’ said Lister. ‘Two year sentence. We were there for over a year, weren’t we?’

 

‘Fourteen months precisely,’ said Kryten.

 

'Not my finest hour, I'll admit,' said Holly thoughtfully.

 

'What do you mean, pixel-breath?' said Rimmer.

 

' _I_ was the one who got the nanos powerful enough to resurrect the crew.'

 

'I should have known!' Rimmer tutted. 'This story has computer incompetence written all over it.'

 

'There's half off puncture repair kits down in the mall if you're interested.'

 

Quickly, Kryten and Lister launched into further explanation of the escape pod from the _Hermes_ , the microbe it brought with it, and how Captain Hollister and the rest of the nano-crew left them and the other prisoners to die. When they got to the part about using the prism laser to get into the mirror universe, Lister let Kryten take over telling the story completely. He couldn’t talk about Nano-Rimmer’s death, let alone to Rimmer himself.

 

‘Incredible,’ said Rimmer. ‘Of course it was old Arnie J who got you lot out of a scrape.’

 

‘Yes, the Nano-Rimmer saved everyone,’ said Kryten, nodding gravely. ‘Sacrificed his life for the rest of us. Extraordinary!’

 

There was a pause. They all knew that Kryten’s exclamation had been because he thought it was extraordinary that _Rimmer_ had done such a thing, and not because the act itself was so brave.

 

‘That was about four months ago now,’ said Lister softly.

 

‘So you got the ship back,’ said Rimmer. ‘When did Kochanski go?’

 

‘Not long after that.’

 

‘Right. So it’s just us again, is it?’

 

‘That is correct, sir,’ said Kryten, and then looked down at Lister's belly. ‘Well – for another four months, anyway.’

  

‘Who’s the father?’ asked Rimmer immediately, looking at the bump with a troubled expression.

 

‘He’s dead,' said Lister.

 

 ‘It – ! What – ? The father was a _he_?’ spluttered Rimmer.

 

‘Yeah. Traditionally, Rimmer, you need sperm to have someone’s baby.’

 

‘ _Yes_ – thank you, Lister. But – what about your _own_ sperm?’

 

‘It was taking a holiday.’ Lister gestured to Rimmer with a wry smile. ‘An _extended_ holiday.’

 

Rimmer stared.

 

‘But – last time this happened it was with your female self?’ he said, shaking his head.

 

‘In Deb’s reality the women have the sperm, and the men have the eggs. Don’t ask me why or how, but I’ve been left with both, although thankfully they don’t work at the same time or I could have had a baby every nine months for the last six years.’ He shuddered. He wasn’t really sure how true that was, but he was grateful to have something to distract Rimmer from the subject of the father. Rimmer, who was now looking at him, open-mouthed in shock.

 

‘So you’ve been able to get pregnant this entire time?!’

 

‘Yep. Bit of a shock when I found out, I’ll admit.’

 

‘ – You didn’t know. But how could you _not_ know?’ Rimmer rounded on Kryten, who blanched. ‘How could he not know?!’

 

‘Rimmer – ’ said Lister, placing a comforting hand on Kryten’s arm and giving Rimmer a look. ‘I just assumed – we _all_ just assumed everything went back to normal after the birth.’

 

‘Didn’t you get checked out for this?’

 

‘I _did_ – The problem was the Medi-bot didn’t know what he was looking for and I didn’t push him. When all the results said I was healthy, I didn’t think anything more of it.’

 

Kryten gave a small sound.

 

‘I should have been more thorough,’ he said morosely.

 

‘Yes, you should have!’ Rimmer hissed at him.

 

‘Hey – hey!’ said Lister, patting an upset-looking Kryten some more. ‘We’ve been over this. It was a long time ago, and it was _my_ job to look after myself.’

 

‘And it’s your doctor’s job to give you a thorough once-over!'

 

‘ _Rimmer_ , please!’

 

Rimmer rolled his eyes. Lister watched him and bit his lip uncertainly. This was very different to how things had gone last time. Back then, Rimmer had been highly amused, and Lister could have worked with that now. He could get angry and throw insults and small items at Rimmer, yell at him to get out, or ask Holly to stick him in some ridiculous outfits. But the man’s visible anger and concern was confusing, and making him rather nervous. And he’d almost forgotten just how _handsome_ he was when he was irate or annoyed or... in _any_ kind of mood.

 

‘So you _never_ guessed this might happen again?’ said Rimmer.

 

‘There were little signs, but I just didn’t put two and two together.’ Lister shrugged. ‘I don’t think I wanted to.’

 

Rimmer sighed.

 

‘So – what are you going to do?’ he asked.

 

Lister shrugged again.

 

‘Looks like I’m having a baby,’ he said.

 

‘Just the one?’

 

‘Just the one.’

 

‘Look – I’m sorry to ask, but is this going to be like the last time?’

 

Lister frowned.

 

‘What are you saying?’ he demanded. ‘I was unprepared last time, yeah? I didn’t know what to expect!’

 

‘ _Lister_ – ’ said Rimmer, raising a placating hand with the air of someone who had previous experience with another's mood swings. ‘I meant when the boys had to leave. You were a wreck for months.’

 

Lister deflated.

 

‘I know,’ he said. ‘But _this_ baby’s different. Kryten reckons I should be able to keep this one, don’t you?’

 

‘That is correct, sir,’ said Kryten to Rimmer. ‘As this foetus has no foundations in another universe, there shouldn’t be any developmental skips as the twins experienced when they were born.’

 

‘I’m gonna be a dad again, Rimmer!’ said Lister, smiling at him. ‘You don’t know how long I’ve wanted this.’

 

‘I _do_ ,’ Rimmer insisted. ‘You were an unbearable little goit after – after the last time.’ His voice softened, and his mouth twitched. ‘Of course I know.’

 

They looked at each other for a moment, Lister wondering if Rimmer had made any guesses regarding the baby’s father – if he suspected – or even _knew_? But how could he when they’d never so much as held hands?

 

‘ – Well, I’d better get dinner going,’ said Kryten, seeming eager to leave the odd atmosphere as he quickly stood up.

 

‘It's still early; you need any help?’ asked Lister, finally breaking eye contact with Rimmer.

 

‘Ah – no, thank you, sir. Are you hungry, Mr. Rimmer?’

 

‘I am, yes,’ said Rimmer awkwardly. ‘Thanks.’

 

Kryten nodded and as he stomped out of the room Holly's face disappeared from the screen, leaving Lister alone with Rimmer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone still reading! Hope you enjoyed this part!


	5. The Responsible Adult

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer and Lister catch up some more, and Lister ponders over their situation.

 

‘I see everyone’s unchanged,’ said Rimmer drolly.

 

‘Pretty much, yeah,’ said Lister, watching him nervously.

 

It was so odd. Save for the H, only a trained eye would be able to distinguish this Rimmer from his nano-counterpart. The resurrected one had never really had enough time to get used to having friends – or at least, belonging to a group. He’d still had superiors around him to look up to, and his tedious, low-ranking position aboard the ship to torment him into remaining constantly alert, his exterior carefully guarded and cold. But the hologram Rimmer had had eight years (give or take six hundred – most of which they’d successfully wiped for him) away from that structure to adapt into someone rather unique. Even his remaining lack of popularity after the accident hadn’t stopped aspects of his character from giving way to something feistier – quicker, too – as facing real danger had forced him (and them all) to become. He was more relaxed; surer of his environment and his own place within it than the Nano-Rimmer had been. Lister hadn’t realised just how much he’d changed until the nanobots brought him back.

 

Rimmer was looking about the place, his brow furrowed around the shiny H. Lister had to avert his eyes for a moment and focus on his own hands resting on the tabletop. He’d missed him. Really missed him. He coughed awkwardly.

 

‘So, come on,’ he said, sitting up slightly and giving Rimmer a wry grin. ‘What’s it like being an intergalactic hero?’

 

Rimmer raised an eyebrow. He didn’t look embarrassed or surprised by the question, but his body language was slightly off.

 

‘Well, Listy,’ he said, voice somewhat flat. ‘Dimension-hopping and time-travel... Planets, towns and villages under threat... Honour and glory.’

 

‘Oh, yeah?’

 

‘Most of the time I arrive and they’re fighting back already.’ Rimmer’s shoulders and expression drooped a little. ‘I just sort of ride in and take over, which they seem to love. People are so damn _accommodating_ as long as you look the part.’

 

He didn’t seem any more enthusiastic than he had when Lister asked him what it was like being a hologram all those years ago. Even in Lister’s dreams about Rimmer returning, the guy would seem more animated talking of his adventures, even when he’d then tell Lister he was done with it all and would die if he couldn’t be with him.

 

Lister had expected more gloating; more pride, even if half or most of it was lies. There had always been the chance that Rimmer _wouldn’t_  actually go off to become Ace, and instead just taken the opportunity to get the hell away from it all. But Lister had still encouraged him to go. It had seemed right at the time. He’d never really been blind to the fact that Rimmer’s emotional and mental health was teetering on a knife’s edge, especially when they became trapped on _Starbug_. After they’d escaped Rimmerworld, Kryten had properly explained the extent of their hologram’s anxiety and stress issues to Lister, and he’d felt bad for him. Still frustrated beyond belief, but less so with Rimmer after a while, and more with their situation – that the guy _still_ couldn’t fully trust them – nor they, him.

 

When the previous Ace had arrived and explained everything, Lister knew it was an opportunity for Rimmer. He could become a hero – or he could take the _Wildfire_ and escape the space faring life. If that’s what he _wanted_. And he must have wanted to leave, or he wouldn’t have done. He was too much of a coward to go places he was scared to go, after all. Maybe, with the wig and the ship and all the right trimmings he’d felt confident enough to do it? If ‘The Rimmer Experience’ had proven anything, it was that Rimmer at least _desired_ to be the hero – that and he really could be a scumbag sometimes.

 

And yet, Lister had often regretted encouraging him to leave. Watching him now, he only hoped he’d done the right thing by Rimmer, and that the guy had found some peace of mind during his time away. But if he _had_ , did that mean he wouldn’t be staying with them for good?

 

‘Did you meet anyone?’ asked Lister.

 

‘You mean like _you_ did?’ asked Rimmer. ‘Honestly, I leave for five minutes and you get up the duff again.’

 

Lister recognised the deflection of conversation for what it was. Before he’d left, Rimmer would usually employ this tactic due to embarrassment at his lack of experience in the romance department. But it would be naïve of him to think Rimmer wouldn’t have taken advantage of being Ace in _every_ sense. And what if there had been – or _was_ – someone he felt able to just be _Rimmer_ with?

 

‘Didn’t realise you doubled as a contraceptive,’ said Lister, drawing himself up slightly. ‘And it’s been three years, smeg-head.’

 

Rimmer sniffed, glancing away for a moment.

 

‘Has it been longer for you, or – ?’ asked Lister curiously, trailing off at the prospect of Rimmer having only _just_ left them.

 

‘No – three years sounds about right.’ Rimmer licked his lips, and reclined slightly in his chair, regarding Lister with interest. ‘I didn’t realise you... went with men.’

 

Lister snorted. Trust Rimmer to make it sound as seedy as possible.

 

‘I don’t – exclusively,’ he said. ‘It just sorta happened.’

 

‘ – So, it wasn’t – ?’

 

‘No. It was what I wanted.’

 

‘You don’t need the Shiny One to defend your honour, then?’

 

‘You mean Ace? That would be... interesting.’ Lister imagined it for a moment. ‘But, no. And the father’s dead, remember?’

 

‘Right – sorry.’

 

Lister shrugged.

 

‘You didn’t kill him,’ he said sadly. Although, he thought, Rimmer likely had a fairly high probability of wanting to kill his own self.

 

‘Who was he?’

 

Lister gave him a considering look. He hadn’t given into the Cat occasionally springing that question on him, but it was different with Rimmer. At some point he would need to tell Rimmer the kid was... well, not his. But his counterpart’s. So – _kind_ of his? But it still felt too early to do so. Rimmer had only just got back – if Lister told him now, he might run straight back to the _Wildfire_ without a backwards glance.

 

‘Oh, God – is it _Petersen_?’ Rimmer prompted, with a disgusted look on his face.

 

‘No – why would it be him?’ asked Lister, frowning.

 

‘What? You used to kiss him.’

 

‘As _mates_ , yeah.’

 

‘Well, I always had my doubts about you two.’

 

‘Not sure he was my type, Rimmer.’

 

‘Right. So it’s not Petersen.’

 

‘Nope.’

 

‘Thank God for that.’

 

‘Don’t speak ill of the dead, man.’ Lister wagged his finger at him.

 

‘I _am_ the dead, Lister.’

 

Lister shook his head, surprised by how much Rimmer's words had amused him. _Damn_ , he was good-looking. Just when the hell had that happened? Lister would have to watch himself. He’d best keep in mind that _this_ man wouldn’t remember the pair of them trying their best to keep quiet as they shagged in that creaky prison bunk bed. He couldn’t ever forget himself and give his arse a pinch or make a cheeky offer. He wondered if he was disrespecting Nano-Rimmer’s memory by thinking such things about _this_ Rimmer. Did it count when they were technically the same person? He recalled thinking something similar when he’d become more intimate with Nano-Rimmer, and wondered if it was right to be doing those things with him when his fascination had started with the guy’s hologram counterpart. It was so _confusing._

 

‘ – What?’ said Rimmer, looking troubled. Lister realised he’d been staring.

 

‘Sorry – It’s just... you know.’

 

‘It’s been a while, I suppose.’

 

‘Yeah.’

 

‘Who _is_ the dad, then?’

 

‘I can’t tell anyone right now,’ said Lister softly.

 

‘You mean the others don’t know?’

 

‘No. They don’t.’

 

‘Why the secrecy? Was he some complete arse-head?’

 

‘Yeah, sounds about right.’

 

‘Ha! I'll bet.’ Rimmer drummed his fingers on the table, narrowing his eyes at Lister thoughtfully. ‘So, now that you’re a mother again – ’ he said jovially. ‘What’s your plan?’

 

Lister gave him a withering look. Rimmer had tormented Lister with ‘plans’ in the early days of his first pregnancy; his diet, his health, his routines for when the babies came – but he didn’t let it rile him. He could see it for what it was now. Back then, it had been the only way Rimmer could get involved – being incapable of touch had visibly frustrated him more than ever during that time. The man could sneer and mock all he wanted, but Lister recalled that Rimmer had become worried for him in the latter stages of the pregnancy – and he’d taken a surprising interest in the twins’ future, too. Because as far as Rimmer was concerned, he wouldn’t have any children of his own, would he?

 

‘Well – I’ve got the quarters clean,’ said Lister, gesturing around the place proudly.

 

Rimmer looked around again in that superior way of his, but gave a little nod of assent.

 

‘I’ve got a plan for all the check-ups, and I’ve got me due date,’ Lister continued.

 

‘What about when the baby comes?’

 

Lister shrugged.

 

‘I’ve got a list of all the jabs it’s gonna need, and Kryten’s helping me figure out dietary stuff as it gets bigger. There’s a frozen chickenpox sample I’ll rub all over it when it’s old enough.’

 

‘Where’s it going to sleep?’

 

‘With me – I might move to some different quarters with more space for a cot, but I’m happy here for now.’

 

‘Where are you getting a cot from?’

 

‘I’m making one out an old container – filing down all the sharp edges and everything! And look – ’ Lister stood up and walked over to his bunk, grabbing the needles and the yellow wool he was about a quarter of the way through knitting into a blanket and holding it up. ‘Think it’ll only take me a few more weeks. I started making it for the twins, do you remember? I’ve already made a couple of little jumpers for it, as well.’

 

Rimmer stared at the blanket with a strange look in his eyes.

 

‘Well – you and Kryten seem to have thought of everything,’ he said, a hint of irritability evident in his voice.

 

Lister shrugged.

 

‘To tell you the truth, we’re winging it,’ he said, folding the knitting carefully and tossing it back onto the bunk. ‘I don’t think any of us know that much about babies.’

 

‘ – No,’ said Rimmer. ‘But it... might be nice. Having one around, I mean. I’d – imagine.’

 

‘You’ll stay for when it’s born, then?’ Lister asked him hopefully.

 

‘Well, I’ll have to, won’t I? I don’t trust Kryten, Lister. I’m sorry – I know he’s your _minder_ and everything, but he’s a serving-bot, not a nanny. Your child... and it pains me to say this, does appear to be the future of the human race. I’d like to make sure everything goes smoothly.’

 

‘So you’re very  _kindly_ staying, when I know you can’t wait to get back to all that danger and action.’

 

‘Yes. Quite.’

 

Lister grinned at him. That gave him at least four months to tell Rimmer whose kid this was.

 

Later, Kryten returned with their meals, and put _Jurassic Park_ on before leaving them again.

 

‘...Is this broccoli?’ asked Rimmer, staring between their plates. ‘Are you _ill_?’

 

‘Very funny,' said Lister, now back in his seat as he grabbed a bottle from the centre of the table . 'And I’m putting curry sauce all over mine, so spin on it.’

 

They ate mostly in silence as they watched the film. Some time into it, Lister pointed at the screen angrily.

 

‘Whoever leaves two kiddies alone when there’s a T-Rex on the loose deserves to get smegging eaten,' he said.

 

‘It’s called being scared, Lister,’ said Rimmer, after swallowing down a mouthful.

 

‘It’s called being a heartless tosser! T-Rex’s are so easily distracted – if he’d just kept _still_.’

 

‘And I suppose you know all about dinosaurs, do you?’

 

‘Yeah, I do.’

 

Rimmer looked at him.

 

‘What?’ he said.

 

‘I had to fend off a T-Rex down in the cargo-bay.’

 

Lister recounted the story of the time-wand, and Birdman and Pete getting caught up in it all.

 

‘You’re making this up,’ said Rimmer disbelievingly.

 

‘I swear, I’m not!’

 

‘How utterly ridiculous.’

 

‘Me and you – other you, had to go and change it back. Then we found the egg.’

 

‘ – Lister...’

 

‘Fine! Don’t believe me, but I’m just saying no way in _hell_ was that dude gonna survive running off on the kids like that.’ He gestured to the screen again.

 

They continued eating over the sounds of screeches, roars and screams coming from the film. When the film came to an end, Lister called the screen off and stacked his and Rimmer’s plates up.

 

‘I’m sorry,’ said Rimmer suddenly, looking lost.

 

‘ – What for?’ asked Lister, sitting back and rubbing his stomach.

 

‘About your other baby – And Kochanski. That must have been difficult.’

 

Lister nodded.

 

‘It was rough,’ he said quietly. ‘But at least now I know I wasn’t really abandoned. Well – not because I wasn’t _wanted_. Kris took it pretty hard, and all.’

 

‘And the father – was that – when he died – ? I mean – it must be hard on your own.’

 

‘I’m not really on my own.’

 

They shared a look. Lister smiled.

 

‘Er – tonight,’ he said after a moment. ‘Did you want the bottom bunk?’

 

He didn’t even bother asking if Rimmer might want a separate room. Rimmer glanced surreptitiously at the bottom bunk, looking uncertain.

 

‘I haven’t been eating papadums in there, don’t worry,’ said Lister, chuckling.

 

‘No – no you’re – you know,’ said Rimmer, making a cupping motion over his own midriff. ‘You shouldn’t be climbing ladders. I’ll be perfectly comfortable at the top.’

 

‘Ah – There may be a few papadum bits in that one.’ Lister laughed as Rimmer grimaced. ‘I’m kidding! Just kidding.’

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all my readers! Hope you're still enjoying! x


	6. The Sex Drive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister struggles with his libido, and ponders over how Holo-Rimmer might react to knowing the truth about the baby and how Lister feels about him.

Lister couldn’t sleep. And he doubted he’d get any sleep any time soon.

 

He groaned softly. It was well into the early hours of the morning, Rimmer was asleep in the bunk above, and here Lister was – helplessly aroused.

 

Smeg.

 

For a while he’d been thinking about moving to the single quarters further along, which had a double bed. But he’d decided that as long as Rimmer was back he wasn’t going anywhere. He was, just at this moment (and the seven other times he’d awoken in the nights), regretting that decision. If he was in a room of his own he’d miss Rimmer, certainly, but at least he could have had a good long wank in private.

 

It wasn’t as though he could just lie facedown to quietly get a bit of friction out of the mattress, either. And even if he could he’d probably disturb the baby, who had thankfully stopped lurching about like a chinchilla in a dust bath about an hour ago, and was now presumably asleep.

 

It now felt profoundly strange being in the bottom bunk with Rimmer in the top one. Like they were indulging in some kind of weird, kinky switch up... For smeg’s sake! The mildest of things was turning him on these days.

 

He had three choices: go and masturbate in the shower, masturbate here and risk waking Rimmer, or just wake Rimmer up and beg him for sex.

 

Lister sighed, sneaking a hand down between his legs and rubbing the heel of his hand against his cloth-covered erection. He turned his head to the side, nuzzling at the pillow softly. He needed to get to the bathroom. The AR machine only made him dizzy at the moment, so that wasn’t an option. He’d just get up, quietly, climb the ladder into Rimmer’s bunk and... No!

 

‘Smegging hell,’ he whispered, reluctantly pulling himself into a sitting position.

 

When he was in the bathroom with the shower running, Lister pumped his cock quickly, biting softly at his fist to remind himself to keep quiet. He thought of Rimmer; his eyebrow raised at Lister in mild amusement. His body under those clothes. His tongue coming out to lick his lips when he was about to say something especially _nasty_.

 

‘ _Rimmer_ ,’ Lister whispered against his own skin, resting his head against the shower wall.

 

He needed to find a way of getting this out of his system. He knew a lot of this was down to his hormones, but _still_. He remembered the other day when he’d forgotten himself for a moment and – honest to God – nearly licked Rimmer’s jaw. Fuck – ! Rimmer’s jaw flexing as he kissed Lister... as he gasped... as he sucked Lister’s cock...

 

Lister whimpered as he came, cock spurting against the tiles, the milky fluid washing away down the drain.

 

After a few moments, he stood up straight and turned the shower off. He stepped out and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around himself as he moodily dried his body and hair off. He’d gotten the release, but he was now growing cold, and he couldn’t ask Rimmer for a cuddle any more than he could ask him for a good hard fuck.

 

He was so smegging lonely. He missed Rimmer. Nano-Rimmer. Sometimes he woke up still thinking he was in the Tank, feeling lost and wondering why he wasn’t being held. And he missed Holo-Rimmer. He’d missed him the moment the guy had left. He missed them both.

 

 

The others didn't seem as distracted by Rimmer's return.

 

Holly just got on with things as usual. Kryten had known for a while about the truth behind Rimmer’s ‘death’, and so had very little to say on the matter. Even the Cat got over his disappointment at Rimmer’s presence fairly quickly, and soon began pestering him about his time being Ace.

 

Rimmer was still being oddly subdued on the subject of his adventures. He’d recounted a few stories to them, and each time as he spoke Ace’s personality had slowly taken over. Initially, it made Lister wonder if he was simply reporting events from the previous Ace’s memories, but Rimmer had masqueraded as his counterpart very well until he’d seen the state Lister was in. He was also well into the habit of being his other-self. Although still recognisable as the man who had left them over two years previously, he carried himself differently. He strode about the place boldly; closer to Ace’s confident swagger than his old, stiff march. He was also almost psychically alert to danger; terrifying Kryten when the mechanoid interrupted his quiet time and been rounded on fast enough to nearly cause a system override. But gradually, day by day, Rimmer was relaxing back into being himself. It seemed that while he had spent his time _playing_ Ace, he’d never truly let him take over.

  

In some ways it was like he had never left; like they’d never lost the _Red Dwarf_ in the first place. But in just under five months time, they would have something on board that would testify to the mad events leading up to this quieter period. And before then, Lister needed to decide how he was going to tell Rimmer about the baby’s father. He would need to be delicate about it, to say the least.

 

Worst-case scenario? Rimmer was utterly horrified and repulsed and left again. Second worst? Rimmer was utterly horrified and repulsed but stayed on the ship with no intention of getting involved with Lister or the kid. Or maybe _that_ was the worst-case scenario? Lister wanted to believe he could get Rimmer accustomed to the idea of having a baby together – or at least the idea that Lister was having his child. But it would be a big ask if Rimmer still held him in as much contempt as he’d always asserted.

 

But the nano-Rimmer had felt something for Lister, hadn’t he? Yes, their encounters had been secretive and shy, but they’d had to be in that prison cell, and it wasn’t as though Lister had gone all-out to seduce him. Their first time together had been spontaneous and desperate, and Rimmer had clearly enjoyed the proximity of Lister; holding and exploring his body; pushing against it seeking release. And Lister had suspected before then, that Rimmer was interested, even if he may not have wanted to be.

 

Holly had always asserted that the nano-crew’s lives were completely identical to their original counterparts, up until the accident, of course. And that implied that any attraction Nano-Rimmer had felt, would be the same for his hologram-self. At least up to a point in time. Was it possible, then, that the hologram Rimmer might still hold the same desires for Lister as his nano-self had?

 

And Nano-Rimmer wasn’t the only one. Lister occasionally thought back to the way Ace (the original Ace) had interacted with him. The guy had been so physical and open – so utterly different from Rimmer that Lister had almost doubted his claims of being Arnold Rimmer in _any_ possible universe. But even if he hadn’t shared Rimmer’s face, Ace would be a difficult man to doubt. Lister recalled a brief moment they’d shared after Ace had finished the Cat’s surgery.

 

‘You really are the spit of old Spanners,’ Ace had said, smiling at him warmly as he washed his hands in the Medi-bay sink. ‘There must be someone you miss from before the accident?’

 

‘Oh, yeah,’ said Lister, nodding. ‘Are you close mates – you and Spanners?’

 

Ace went quiet for a moment as he dried his hands, and although his expression was as amiable as ever, it was now tinged with sadness.

 

‘Not as close as we used to be,’ he said. ‘We’re in fairly different areas, of course.’

 

He’d told Lister all about Spanners; his successful career in engineering, his marriage to Kristine Kochanski and their twin boys, Jim and Bexley. But the way he’d talked about the guy had set off alarm bells in Lister’s head. And not really in the bad way.

 

‘Must admit I was missing him long before I came to this dimension,’ mused Ace.

 

‘Sounds like in your dimension we’re _both_ doing better for ourselves,’ Lister said wistfully.

 

Ace had moved closer then, putting a hand on Lister’s shoulder.

 

‘Looks to me like you’re making the best of a bad situation, Skipper,’ he’d replied kindly.

 

‘Maybe,’ said Lister. ‘I don’t know.’

 

‘It’s funny, us knowing each other in two very different realities, don’t you think?’

 

‘It is – yeah. And we’re not even from the same planet.’

 

‘Almost like it’s meant to be, wouldn’t you say?’

 

Lister’s face had grown hot as he beamed up at him. And Ace had moved closer – just _so_ , and suddenly those alarm bells had started to ring just a little louder. He’d gazed into Ace’s eyes incredulously, mouth slightly open as he searched for a response.

 

‘...I, er – best to see what Rimmer’s up to,’ he’d said finally, gently pulling away from Ace’s touch.

 

‘Of course,’ said Ace, retracting his arm with no hint of offense at Lister’s blatant excuse. ‘I think I’ll go and help old Cat find some dressings for that leg.’

 

‘You don’t have to – ’

 

‘Stuff and nonsense, Davey-boy. It’s my pleasure.’

 

Lister grinned again, shaking his head.

 

‘I’m sorry Rimmer’s being like this, man,’ he said. ‘I think it’s all too much for him right now.’

 

Ace pulled a face as if to wave off Lister’s apology. But when he next spoke his voice had hardened just a little.

 

‘I’m sorry you’ve wound up with _him_ ,’ he said scathingly.

 

For some reason, Ace’s remark hadn’t sat quite right with Lister.

 

‘He’s okay,’ was his only reply, before he’d walked off to find Rimmer.

 

‘I’ll take your word for it, Skipper,’ Ace had called after him.

 

Lister had never told anyone about the exchange. It had raised too many awkward questions about Ace – and therefore Rimmer – but also _himself_.

 

Lister had never been _sure_ about his suspicions. Not entirely. But at the time he’d been pretty certain that Ace had been about to proposition him – or had hoped Lister might do so. And he now knew that Ace had definitely been showing interest, because not only had Nano-Rimmer held that same glint in his eye at _certain moments_ , but so had that twisted, low version of Rimmer during the triplicator debacle. Lister would recognise it a mile off.

 

It wasn’t that he hadn’t been flattered and excited at the possibility of sex with Ace – and hell, _maybe_ if he hadn’t still been rather shaky from the adrenaline of the crash and worrying over Cat... But it had all been just too overwhelming to _really_ consider. As lovely, kind and patient as Ace would no-doubt have been, Lister felt that he would have been somewhat intimidated at losing his ‘other’ cherry to a man like him. And he was fairly sure Ace would have left afterwards anyway.

 

When Ace had told him he wouldn’t stay – that he couldn’t stand to be around Rimmer any longer – there had been something else that was familiar in his expression. Familiar, because it was almost the default expression of Rimmer. A hint of bitterness. Resentment. But not aimed at Lister.

 

Had Ace, just like Holly, suspected there was something going on between Lister and Rimmer? It had seemed so.

 

Perhaps all of this was why Lister hadn’t been able to find the whole thing with Ace funny – or to even consider teasing Rimmer over it afterwards. Rimmer, who had already made enough insinuations about Ace’s sexuality to make anything Lister said redundant. 

 

But all of Lister’s speculation could mean nothing – those encounters had taken place with _counterparts_ of their original Rimmer. He had never seen that glimmer of excitement in _his_ eye, except maybe one time when he’d tried stomping all over Lister’s guitar. Surely the very idea of sex between them would disgust Rimmer, and not too long ago, Lister might have agreed with him. And if Rimmer ever _had_ fancied Lister, perhaps all those years living with him under such extremes had probably killed any remaining attraction.

 

Faced with everything he knew and didn’t know, Lister acknowledged that he would need to prepare for disaster. He couldn’t really separate the news of his feelings and the truth about the baby’s paternity. They both came hand in hand.

 

He’d have to offer Rimmer space and time to process the news, and make it clear that there was no pressure on him to take responsibility if he didn’t want to. But if the very existence of the child offended Rimmer, maybe it would be for the best if the guy decided to leave again. It wasn’t as though Lister could label him as accountable if he freaked out. _He_ wasn’t the one who'd shagged Lister, and he wouldn’t have been able to get him pregnant if he had.

 

But Lister had to try. Even if Rimmer didn’t want him, it would still be nice if their kid could grow up knowing both its parents. Now he just had to figure out when to tell him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Listy. Apologies for the lack of Lister/Rimmer interaction in this one.


	7. The Attractive Prospect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister is forced to sit out on the first exciting thing to happen in months, and Kryten takes the chance to talk with him privately.

 

One lazy afternoon, Kryten was doing baked potatoes in the kitchenette as Lister lounged on the sofa knitting, and Rimmer was reading at the table.

 

‘S’up, dudes?’ announced Holly, appearing on his screen. ‘I’ve picked up a derelict transportation vessel just a couple of miles away. Scanners don’t show any life signs or activity, but there’s a single stasis pod on board.’

 

‘And it’s in use?’ asked Kryten.

 

‘Well, it’s not giving anything away, is it? It’s sealed – that’s all I can tell you.’

 

‘So – can you tell if the ship’s stable?’ asked Lister, hauling his body up off the sofa and steadying himself before approaching Holly’s screen.

 

‘Should be,’ said Holly, then he frowned. ‘There’ll be low oxygen, but the gravity’s still working. I think.’

 

‘Holly, you’re about as useful as a wet floor sign in a swimming pool sometimes,’ said Rimmer.

 

‘Well, those _are_ very important, sir,’ said Kryten, turning to him. ‘They remind people to take care around the edge of the pool and not run.’

 

‘No – not on the edge of the pool, _in_ the actual – !’ Rimmer stopped, looking pained. ‘Oh, forget it.’

 

‘What’s this about a ship?’ asked the Cat excitedly as he swept in.

 

‘Transportation ship,’ Holly told him.

 

‘Transporting what?’

 

‘Dunno. Could have been anything – Food, materials, minerals.’

 

‘Clothes? Gold?’

 

‘I doubt it. On the face of it the ship looks abandoned; if there _was_ anything of any value they’d have cleared it all out by now.’

 

 ‘Forget that – what if there’s someone in the stasis pod?’ said Lister.

 

‘So, _what_?’ Rimmer cut in.

 

Lister turned to him.

 

‘ _Rimmer_ – ’

 

‘Look, it’s not as though they’re going to know anything about it if we just move along. It’s like you being in stasis for three million years – there _must_ have been ships that encountered _Red Dwarf_ in all that time. People would have known there was a chance that out of a crew of over a thousand _someone_ might have survived. But the radiation levels were too high – the _risk_ was too high, and so they left you. Can you blame them?’

 

‘Well – no, but this is different, right? There isn’t any radiation to worry about.’

 

‘So what _has_ happened to the crew, then?’

 

‘We’ll find out, won’t we?’

 

‘Lister, we’re not trapped on _Starbug_ anymore. We have no need to go poking around some old wreck.’

 

‘That’s not the point.’

 

‘So, what?’ asked Cat, looking disappointed. ‘Chances are there’s _nothing_ in there?’

 

‘Let’s face it, it’s us,’ said Rimmer. ‘ _Chances are_ we open it and find it’s housing a great slobbering monster, or a murderous simulant.’

 

‘I say it’s worth a look,’ said Lister, wincing as the baby started kicking in response to all the voices.

 

‘Oh, you do, do you? How _lovely_. What about what everyone _else_ thinks?’

 

‘I agree it’s only right to check, sir,’ said Kryten, nodding.

 

‘Sure, I’m game!’ said the Cat. ‘We haven’t come across anything in _months_.’

 

Lister nodded at them all, ignoring how Rimmer’s nostrils were flared in aggravation.

 

‘Let’s suit up and get in there,’ he said, moving towards the door, only to be stopped by Rimmer blocking his path.

 

 ‘ _You’re_ not going anywhere, Lister Madonna,’ said Rimmer.

 

Lister blinked up at him.

 

‘You what?’ he asked incredulously. ‘Who put you in charge?’

 

‘I am still your superior aboard this ship. And besides that – _look_ at yourself. You can’t just go gallivanting off wherever you please.’

 

‘Come on, you don’t expect me to stay here?’ said Lister, putting a hand over his bump self-consciously.

 

‘Absolutely I do. What if you get hurt?’

 

Lister was about to argue, when Kryten leaned forward.

 

‘I fear Mr. Rimmer is right, sir,’ he said gently. ‘Pregnancy and deep space exploration is never really to be encouraged.’

 

‘Well, I’m already _in_ deep space, aren’t I?’ said Lister.

 

‘Er, indeed, Mr. Lister. Still, the list of potential hazards for you and your unborn child _is_ rather on the long side. You should remain here on _Red Dwarf_.’

 

Lister stared open-mouthed from Kryten to Rimmer. He knew they were right, but the idea of sitting an escapade out was just _weird_. Although he was touched and mystified by Rimmer’s concern, he was too annoyed by the man’s smug face to just act rationally and back down.

 

‘I’m so smegging _bored_!’ he groaned.

 

‘Here, you can keep an eye on the potatoes!’ said the Cat, grabbing the timer (one of the few things they’d discovered unscathed in _Starbug’s_ wreckage) off the counter in the kitchenette and holding it out to him. Lister gazed at the timer in disbelief.

 

‘I really think it for the best, sir,’ said Kryten.

 

‘And _if_ something happens and you all get lost or something, then I’m left here alone,’ said Lister looking at Rimmer meaningfully. ‘Who’s gonna do me surgery when the time comes; Bob and Madge with the scalpel while Holly instructs them? I don’t think so.’

 

‘He’s right,’ said Rimmer, looking around at the Cat and Kryten. ‘Someone should stay with Lister just in case. And as the person who realised that, I think it should be me.’ Everyone glared at him. ‘What? I can take direction. For all you lot know I could have been out delivering babies for mothers in need this entire time.’

 

‘ – _Have_ you, sir?’ asked Kryten.

 

‘No.’ Rimmer folded his arms awkwardly. ‘No, I haven’t. But the git did once – I’ve still got access to the memory... somewhere.’

 

‘Rimmer,’ growled Lister, ‘while I know that making an incision into my guts is probably one of your long-time fantasies, I really think maybe _Kryten_ should stay here with me, and you and Cat go take a look at this thing.’

 

‘What?!’

 

‘Oh – your baby isn’t gestating in your intestine, Mr. Lister,’ said Kryten.

 

‘Yeah, I _know_ , Krytes,’ said Lister, shaking his head. ‘What do you say to the plan?’

 

‘I think that is the most sensible decision, sir.’

 

‘Cat?’

 

‘Let’s do this!’ said the Cat, grinning. ‘Maybe there’ll finally be the one with the beauty to rival my own in that pod!’

 

‘I don’t believe it!’ snarled Rimmer.

 

The Cat frowned at him.

 

‘What are you so afraid of, Goalpost Head?’ he asked. ‘Thought you’ve been going at this sort of game solo for the last three years?’

 

‘I’m on _holiday_!’

 

‘You can handle this, Rimmer,’ said Lister. ‘It’s just an investigation to see if there’s someone in the pod. If there isn’t – fine. You come straight back.’

 

‘And if there _is_?’

 

‘You check them out. If they’re a blood-thirsty simulant, leave them in there. And take the Holly-watch – he’ll help you navigate the ship.’

 

‘Well, _thanks_.’

 

 

 

With the Cat in his golden spacesuit and Rimmer grim-faced, the pair of them set out in a _Blue Midget_ and headed for the transporter.

 

Lister watched them go through one of the diamond-shaped windows near the docking bay, before making his way back to the bunkroom.

 

He knew he couldn’t really have risked jeopardising his and his child’s lives, but things were becoming increasingly tedious on board. His belly was ever expanding, and getting comfortable was difficult, no matter what position he was in. The close proximity of Rimmer was now getting almost unbearable. Things were still very different from before. They’d both changed and grown; neither of them wanting to torment the other anymore, but even so, Rimmer still got to him occasionally. He’d been down to the gym a few times to vent his frustrations on a punch bag, but the other day he’d been seriously contemplating humping one of the ones in storage before Holly had checked in on him. He was still tempted now, but he didn’t think he’d ever live that sort of thing down if he got caught. General frustrations aside, he’d _still_ failed to talk to Rimmer about the baby’s father.

 

Things were far too quiet back in their quarters. Kryten had left Lister a baked potato and put the others on hold, but he wasn't hungry all of a sudden. Lister caught sight of himself in the mirror by the wardrobe, and stopped to lift his oversized top up and glower at the spectacle. There was still a while to go until the kid arrived, but he’d been hoping that if he could make himself appealing to Rimmer, it might lessen the shock of when he found out everything else. There was unlikely to be any seducing from either end while he looked like this. He was well into his feeling unattractive-on-a-gargantuan-level. Kryten had found him some nice oil to help his stretching skin, and Lister had been trying to keep himself well-groomed, but there was no changing the fact that he looked very odd right now. He swore and pulled the T-shirt down, moving to sit back on the sofa.

 

Perhaps there were other ways he could endear himself to Rimmer? Lister remembered a conversation he’d shared with Kochanski, a couple of months after they’d had to leave David. It was late, and the two of them were relaxing in the mid-section while Kryten and the Cat had been piloting _Starbug_.

 

‘So, your Dave,’ Lister had said, with only a faint glimmer of derision. ‘Was he always so smart and sensible?’

 

‘No,’ said Kochanski, shaking her head with a smile. ‘He was very like you at the beginning. But after the accident things changed. I threw myself into work – trying to find any trace of human activity left as we navigated our way back to our solar system. Dave couldn’t touch anything in the early days, like your Rimmer. I think it frustrated him in more than he let on. He missed the physicality itself, but also he couldn’t really make himself as useful as he’d have liked. He started looking into engineering, and I encouraged it – ’ She paused, looking slightly guilty. ‘...Although, I’ll admit I thought it would just make a good distraction for him at first. I knew he had brains, but I’d assumed he was more of a creative soul. And yet, a few months along it became clear he had a knack for it – he’d just never harnessed his skills or been shown how. It took him a few years to get the exam, but when he did get it he passed with flying colours!’ She smiled knowingly. ‘And as for his appearance... holograms don’t technically _need_ to shower or change their clothes or anything, so it was easier for him to maintain a smarter appearance than he might have done if he was alive. He kept those Hawaiian shirts for a while, but then when I gave up on the uniform and changed my wardrobe, he followed suit. And I suppose he made more of an effort when he finally decided to make a move. And by that time I’d realised I wanted to try again, too.’

 

‘That’s like me and Rimmer,’ Lister said, before realising his mistake. ‘ – The clothes change, I mean!’

 

‘Oh, yes?’ Kochanski replied, concealing a grin.

 

‘Shut it, you. I meant – it’s funny, ‘cause me and Rimmer went down the mall one day, and I found all this gear I liked and never really looked back. And the next day Rimmer had gone from uniform to this shiny green number.’

 

Kochanski eyed him for a moment.

 

‘...Did it work for him?’ she asked finally.

 

‘It was all right,’ said Lister, and took a long swig of his drink.

 

They’d gone quiet then; Kochanksi sipping her own drink before swallowing and regarding him curiously.

 

‘What about your Kris?’ she asked.

 

‘My Kris?’

 

‘Some of what you’ve said... it sounds like she was quite different from me.’

 

Lister nodded.

 

‘Like you say, it was similar what went down before the accident,’ he said thoughtfully. ‘But she _was_ different to you. Full-blown Scottish accent for starters. I know she didn’t do _all_ her education in Cyberschool – maybe her parents didn’t have the money or something? I dunno. They were separated, but friendly towards each other by the sound of it. She was classy like you... but her humour was different. She could still take anything someone said to her and fire it right back twice as fast, just... We were _so_ cheeky with each other – she was obviously used to my type. Took me ages to get the courage to go ask her out – and that’s not like me – I _never_ beat around the bush when I like someone.’ He paused awkwardly as Kochanski raised an eyebrow. ‘ – But I think when she found out I was really into her she was pleased. It was so great when we were together. I had this plan she’d come with me to Fiji and everything. When we broke up... I s’pose she didn’t have the time. I know she had a lot to do – and I was all fun and games, you know?’

 

‘I know,’ said Kochanski softly.

 

‘She was still sweet to me when we saw each other – I think maybe she missed me too. But now I look back – sometimes I felt like a little kid when I’d approach her desk... and there was all her work there, and the other officers around her all busy.’

 

Kochanski had put her hand on his, and they’d spent the rest of the evening in each other’s arms. Nothing had happened, of course, but they’d both needed the closeness.

 

It now seemed a long time ago since he’d last seen _his_ Kochanski, and their relationship had never been pushed to quite the same extremes as his and Rimmer’s. Alternate Kochanski had been different enough, and although he loved her, he’d already been in way too deep with his pining over Rimmer when they met for anything to really happen between them.

 

He really missed her. If only there was a way to make inter-dimensional phone calls. He could really use her advice on self-improvement right now.

 

He thought of her words to him when she’d first found out he was missing Rimmer:

 

_‘Maybe he sacrificed his happiness to keep you sane?’_

 

Lister sighed, his thoughts returning to the present. His frustration at having to stay behind was giving way to worry.

 

A few minutes later, Kryten stomped in.

 

‘Ah, Mr. Lister,’ he said, spotting him sitting on the sofa. He paused hesitantly. ‘Are you quite all right?’

 

‘Oh, yeah,’ said Lister, sitting up slightly. ‘Just... thinking about Kris.’

 

Kryten nodded, his hands jerking slightly as they did when he was emotional.

 

‘I miss her too, sir,’ he said sadly.

 

‘I know, man. Bet she misses you right back.’

 

‘Oh – sir!’ Kryten guffawed. ‘And of course I’m sure she thinks of you often.’

 

Lister grinned. He was glad Kryten and Kochanski had warmed to each other in the end. Jealousy aside, he knew that some of Kryten’s initial problems with her had started because Kochanski had shaken off any attempts to be coddled and looked after. She’d relented on the laundry front, but had been determined to remain as independent as possible. She’d probably been terrified at the idea of becoming like them.

 

‘She’ll always be me friend,’ he said. ‘And me mum.’

 

Kryten made a strange clucking sound with his mechanical tongue and joined Lister on the sofa.

 

‘Speaking of “mums” – well – _parents_. I wondered if I could take the opportunity to have a word with you now that it’s just the two of us.’

 

‘Sure, man,’ said Lister, nodding at him. ‘What’s up?’

 

‘When I observed you the last time you became more fastidious about your appearance and personal hygiene, I attributed it purely to the presence of Miss Kochanski. I knew that you were upset because around that time she was due to leave. But now I wonder if it may have been as much, if not _more_ to do with the departure of Mr. Rimmer. If I remember correctly, around the same time you’d experienced some dreams about him of a disturbing nature.’

 

Lister had been readying himself to deny everything as Kryten spoke, but found he just couldn’t. He was far too tired. He exhaled loudly.

 

‘The baby is _his_ , isn’t it?’ Kryten finished, his rubber mouth pressed into a grim, flat line.

 

Lister nodded, and Kryten gave a somewhat wounded noise.

 

‘You’ve really gotten good at reading people, Kryten,’ Lister sighed.

 

‘W-well, you did share your cell with only _one_ other person, sir,’ Kryten stammered. ‘It wasn’t all that hard to figure out.’

 

‘I’m sorry I’ve been keeping so many secrets from you, man. It’s just been really hard. I never expected to feel this way about Rimmer.’

 

‘I won’t pretend to understand it, sir. Although I _have_ suspected a few times in the past.’

 

‘You too, eh?’

 

‘...Are you going to tell him?’

 

‘At some point, yeah. Smeg knows how he’s gonna take it.’

 

‘Hm, well. There are six miles on this ship, I’m sure you and the baby will be able to avoid him.’

 

Lister’s eyes widened.

 

‘You think it will be that bad?’ he asked.

 

‘Oh – no, sir!’ said Kryten shiftily. ‘Of course not.’

 

Lister eyed him for a moment, and then smiled.

 

‘You know I love you, don’t you?’ he said.

 

Kryten’s mouth turned down at the corners then, and he made a series of tiny sounds at the back of his throat, before saying squeakily, ‘Thank you, sir! I love you too!’ He stood up, and, unable to look at Lister, added, ‘I’d better get back to work!’ before walking towards the door.

 

‘You okay, man?’ Lister called out.

 

 _‘Y-yes, sir!’_ came Kryten’s sobbing reply.

 

Lister stared after him. Well. That was one less member of the _‘Dwarf_ he had to tell.

 

His eyes flicked over to the one window of the room. All that was visible were blackness and stars. How long had it been now? Half an hour?

 

This was actually getting very unnerving, staying behind. He kept thinking of all the things that could go wrong. He’d _never_ used to be like this. He’d never been the one to sit tight while the others went off exploring. Maybe he was just uncomfortable, or over-bored or something. And yet he still couldn’t stop imagining things. Rimmer could lose his nerve, or the Cat could get lost, or the ship could turn out to be structurally unsound, or the stasis pod could be housing a mass murderer or something equally awful. And he’d never even told Rimmer about their baby...

 

Another half hour later, Lister was rushing as fast as he could without discomfort towards the docking bay. He stopped when he heard voices already coming up the stairs.

 

‘ _Unbelievable_!’ Rimmer was shouting. ‘ _Unbe-smegging-lievable_!’

 

The Cat, still in his spacesuit but with the helmet removed, came into view first. Lister sighed in relief.

 

‘All right, keep your H on, Black-hole-nostrils!’ the Cat shot back, climbing the stairs a little ahead of Rimmer, who Lister could just about make out behind him.

 

‘I never want to clap eyes on you again, you half-witted moggy!’ snapped Rimmer.

 

‘You need to chill out!’

 

‘What happened?’ asked Lister as the Cat passed him.

 

‘What _happened_?’ repeated Rimmer, still seething. ‘What happened was this moron just went straight up and _pressed the release on the stasis booth_!’

 

‘ – _Cat_ , why did you do that?’ called Lister, after his retreating back.

 

‘It had a big, shiny button, okay?!’ hissed the Cat, before rounding a corner and disappearing out of sight.

 

‘It triggered a smegging ship-quake!’ Rimmer snarled.

 

Lister recalled their second encounter with that simulant ship way back, when Rimmer had triggered a quake when he’d started up the escape pod.

 

‘Are you okay?’ he asked him.

 

‘Fine, no thanks to _him_!’

 

‘What about the pod?’

 

‘Empty. Not so much as a moth. It’s just an old ship that’s been used to death and then stripped out.’ Rimmer scrabbled at the Holly-watch, unfastening it and holding it out to Lister, who took it. ‘ _Never again_. I’d almost forgotten what a bloody shambles this troop is!’

 

Rimmer brushed passed him, and Lister watched with a great deal more attention than was necessary as his long legs marched off down the corridor. Finally, he looked down at the wrist-watch and pulled a face.

 

‘Nothing in there, then, Hol?’ he said.

 

‘Nah, I didn’t think there would be,’ said Holly, his tiny face smiling up at Lister.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! Slightly longer chapter there, but I hope it was entertaining enough. Sorry for the lack of any real action!


	8. The Sperm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister avoids a minor accident, and decides it's finally time to tell the truth.

Lister abandoned his shift early the next day. He was too bored to carry on, and it was getting harder each week as the weight of the baby increased on his bladder. And if he was being completely honest with himself, he'd only started because he was avoiding a certain person.

 

He strolled along the suspended walkway across the cavern in the bowels of the ship. He reached the stairs to the lower level of the bridge, and went down them holding the handrail. Not paying attention, his foot suddenly plummeted down further than he expected, and he grabbed at the rail with both hands, steadying himself just in time.

 

‘Smeg!’ he cried out, voice echoing around the cavern as he came back to himself.

 

He was okay. His heart was hammering in his chest, and he was panting as he clung to the metal. Even the baby had started kicking wildly as if to ask, ‘What the hell was that?!’ 

 

‘Sorry, kid,’ Lister said to his bump, cradling it with one hand as he sank to sit on the bottom step, the other still grasping the handrail. His heartbeat continued to race.

 

‘You all right, dude?’ came Holly’s disembodied voice after a few seconds.

 

‘I’m fine, Hol,’ said Lister. ‘Just taking a breather.’

 

‘Do you need a hand? Not that _I’ve_ got any to give, but I can call for someone?’

 

‘I’m fine...’ Lister shook his head, emitting a small laugh at himself. ‘I just missed a step. I caught meself in time, don’t worry. I just need a minute.’

 

‘Righto.’

 

Lister stretched his legs out, double-checking that he’d be all right to stand up again. He rotated both ankles a little, and thankfully found no pain in either of them. The baby kicked or punched against where his hand was, and he chuckled.

 

‘It’s okay,’ he cooed softly, stroking his belly. ‘Just Daddy being a dozy git.’

 

He decided to wait until the baby settled down before heading back, and leant his head against the rails as he sat with both hands on the bump, feeling the little body inside twisting and kicking.

 

‘I’ve really smegged you off, haven’t I? You tell me, sweetie. You tell me what I’ve done wrong.’

 

A few minutes later, the sound of quick footsteps made him look up. His heart clenched as Rimmer came into view.

 

‘Are you okay?’ called Rimmer, approaching faster when he spotted Lister on the stairs. ‘Holly said – ’

 

Lister groaned.

 

 ‘ _Holly_ , I said I was all right!’ he called out, not really annoyed. He looked back up at Rimmer. ‘I’m fine, really. Thanks for coming, but I just missed a step.'

 

Rimmer looked even more alarmed.

 

‘Are you hurt?’ he asked, whirling around to glare down the corridor. ‘What about the baby? Holly – where the hell’s Kryten?’

 

‘I don’t need Kryten, Hol!’ Lister shouted. ‘I’m _fine_ , Rimmer. I caught myself before I fell – It just scared the smeg outta me. I _hate_ doing that.’

 

Turning back to him, Rimmer looked him up and down and then tutted.

 

‘And _you_ wanted to go skipping about a derelict,’ he said, and observed the vast space around them. ‘What are you doing here, anyway?’

 

Lister tugged on his utility belt. ‘Just finished me shift. Well, left it.’

 

‘You don’t mean you’ve actually been _working_?’

 

‘Yeah, ‘course!’ Lister eyed him, somewhat offended. ‘How about _you_? Thought you were still cowering in your bed after yesterday?’

 

Rimmer sneered. ‘I wasn’t cowering.’

 

‘ _You_ should go see Kryten for those nerves. And you never did get a check up.’

 

‘No! You’re obsessed with getting me looked at by the toilet-enthusiast, aren’t you?’

 

‘Could say the same about you.’

 

‘ _I’m_ not the one having a baby, miladdo.’

 

Lister relaxed a bit. ‘I just want to make sure you’re doing all right. It’s been a while, and I know you hate exploring and all that.’

 

‘And yet you still made me go.’

 

Lister laughed. ‘You could have refused, Rimmer.’

 

‘ – I wasn’t talking about yesterday.’

 

Lister gaped at him in sudden comprehension. Rimmer was just watching him, and he thought he spotted a look of hurt in there somewhere.

 

‘I’m sorry,’ said Lister, after a moment. ‘I thought I was doing you a favour. You seemed so fed up with being stuck on the ‘ _Bug_ and everything, and what with your stress levels – Oh, _smeg_. You thought I was pushing you out.’

 

Rimmer blinked.

 

‘Not exactly,’ he said, heaving a sigh as he ran a hand over the back of his neck. ‘I was just surprised you thought I was capable. And you’re right. I _could_ have refused. I might be an abject coward but I’m not afraid of _you_ , Listy.’

 

Lister nodded, wondering how long Rimmer had been waiting to say these things, and whether he’d felt more rejected than he was letting on. He needed to tell Rimmer, he realised. About everything. Now.

 

‘I know,’ he said, smiling. ‘I missed you, you know?’

 

‘No, you didn’t,’ replied Rimmer tiredly.

 

‘I _did_. I should have told you when you first got back. I really missed you.’ Lister gulped, managing just in time to finish speaking before his voice cracked.

 

Rimmer was standing there with his hands on his hips, his disbelieving look giving way to something more awkward. Lister knew that if he didn’t want to freak him out too much, he’d need to try to  _not_  start crying. He took a few deep breaths and rubbed over his belly again.

 

‘You _sure_ you’re all right?’ asked Rimmer, gaze flitting between Lister’s face and the motions of his hands.

 

Lister nodded.

 

‘You know,’ he said after a moment. ‘When I found out you’d been resurrected, I was really happy. ’Course, nano-you didn’t remember anything of the accident or what happened after, but it was nice having you around again.’

 

‘ – Didn’t he betray you all the first chance he got?’ asked Rimmer, frowning.

 

‘Well, yeah. But we sorted it out between us after. Think he was a bit confused – I’d forgotten how much we used to argue, you know? Took me a while to break the ice, but after a few weeks we were thick as thieves.’

 

‘You and... a version of me,’ said Rimmer doubtfully, ‘were “thick as thieves?”’

 

‘Oh, yeah! We used to play pranks on everyone together; on the guards, on Mr. Ackerman the Warden, even Captain Hollister a couple of times.’ Lister snickered. ‘Some days jail wasn’t all that bad. Our cell was in the middle of G Tower, and Bob and Madge used to come in through the ventilation pipes and get us decent food and things.’

 

‘...You shared a cell with me – with... _him_?’ asked Rimmer.

 

‘ – Yeah – I did, yeah,’ said Lister hesitantly. He’d forgotten that this little fact hadn’t come up in conversation before. His skin began to prickle at the uneasy look overtaking Rimmer’s features.

 

‘Just the two of you – sharing the one cell?’

 

‘Yeah.’

 

‘You and him?’

 

‘That’s right.’

 

Rimmer’s head waggled just that tiny amount it always did when he was considering his words.

 

‘So – you must have spent a lot of time together, then?’ he said casually.

 

Lister nodded. ‘We did.’

 

‘Alone – together?’

 

‘Yep.’

 

Rimmer now had the same expression he wore when he got a particularly challenging question in his Astro-navs revision. Lister watched with baited breath as the man glanced down at his swollen belly again. He wished they could just get this bit over, but he knew it was best to let this happen slowly. Rimmer needed to understand everything, and he’d likely require as long as possible to process the news.

 

‘What are you thinking?’ Lister asked him gently.

 

‘...It doesn’t matter, anyway,’ said Rimmer, appearing to snap out of it as he shook his head. ‘It’s impossible. Completely ludicrous.’

 

‘Why impossible?’ said Lister quickly, almost frantic as he sat up slightly. ‘What makes you think it’s impossible?’

 

‘Because – because it _is_.’

 

‘Well... it _should_ be impossible for me to have babies – but here we are! So, come on –  what do you think is so “ludicrous?”’

 

Rimmer spun around suddenly, taking several paces away from Lister before stopping and turning back to him.

 

‘You said my counterpart was alive,’ he said, pointing at Lister. ‘ _Human_.’

 

‘Yeah, he was,’ replied Lister, nodding.

 

‘And that he died.’

 

Lister bit his lip and nodded again.

 

‘Right,’ said Rimmer, looking away from him to gaze into space. ‘So... he’d have had – _sperm_ ,and things like that.’

 

‘...Yes,’ said Lister. He certainly _had_ , he thought.

 

‘And, you told me that the father of your baby was a man, and that _he_ died.’

 

‘Mm-hmm.’

 

‘And – and _he’d_ have had sperm. I mean, obviously.’

 

‘Also true,’ said Lister, chuckling despite himself. Rimmer was starting to sound a bit ridiculous. ‘They had that in common. Among other things.’

 

Rimmer had it, though, he thought. He was _so_ nearly there.

 

‘Was... was the father the only man you – you know – at the time?’ asked Rimmer slowly.

 

‘Well, yeah. Otherwise I wouldn’t be so sure it was him, would I?’

 

‘So – you slept with him more than once?’

 

‘Uh-huh.’

 

‘ – And you must have been around him a fair bit?’

 

‘Yeah. We spent nearly all our time together. Just us.’

 

‘Would it be – I mean, I don’t suppose... that the father – and – the man you shared your cell with – were the same person?’

 

Lister swallowed, and then he inclined his head slightly.

 

‘You got them all right, Rimmer,’ he said, keeping his voice down. ‘They were.’

 

Rimmer looked down at the grated floor beneath them, so that Lister couldn’t see his face properly. Lister watched anxiously as he waited. He wasn’t sure whether to say anything else; if it could make anything better at this point. It wasn’t as though he could take the words back now. This was _it_.

 

‘I – ’ Rimmer began, his voice faltering. ‘Is this – a joke?’

 

‘No, it _isn’t_ ,’ said Lister pleadingly.

 

‘ – But – but – ’ Rimmer looked around; everywhere except Lister, visibly in total confusion.

 

‘I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you,’ said Lister. ‘I know this must be a shock.’

 

‘But that means that you had sex – Lister, you had _sex_ with – ’

 

‘Yeah, I know.’

 

‘And then – the baby...’

 

‘Do you... want to go back to our room and talk about this? It’s – I know it’s _huge_ , man. You can ask me anything you want about it. And there’s no – there’s no pressure on you, just so you know. I mean, if you... if you don’t want to know or be involved. But... I would like to say some things – Well – I’d like for you to hear them. I think you _should_ hear them.’

 

Rimmer was just staring at the floor again, almost completely frozen.

 

‘I think you’ve broken him,’ said Holly, startling Lister.

 

‘Holly, shh!’ he said as quietly as he could so as not to disturb Rimmer. ‘Is there anyone in our quarters?’

 

‘Kryten’s doing a bit of dusting.’

 

‘Okay, could you ask him to go, please? I really need to talk to Rimmer _alone_.’

 

‘’Course I can.’

 

‘Thanks.’

 

Lister reached for the handrail, bending his knees outward slightly to help pull himself up. He took a couple of tentative steps towards Rimmer, who was still motionless. He wanted to touch him; put a hand on his arm, but he didn’t know what would happen if he did.

 

‘ – Could we... go?’ he asked softly, peering up at Rimmer’s face in concern. ‘ – Yeah?’

 

Rimmer gave a little grunt, and followed Lister along the remainder of the walkway.

 

Lister dropped back slightly when they came out into the panelled hall, and entered the lift at the end of it together. He was a nervous wreck as they travelled upward. He was too afraid to look at Rimmer; to accidentally panic the guy and cause him to make an immediate run for it as soon as the lift doors opened. Rimmer didn’t scarper when the time came, but the two of them remained in silence all along the way back.

 

‘Lock!’ Lister called when they entered their quarters, and the door slid shut.

 

‘Why don’t you sit down, man?’ he said to Rimmer.

 

Slowly, Rimmer took a seat at the table, seeming to take a vague interest in its surface.

 

‘Do you want a drink?’ Lister asked him.

 

Rimmer pursed his lips and shook his head, his eyes still unfocused.

 

Lister nodded and took a seat, having to twist to the side a bit to accommodate the bump now. He rested his arms on the tabletop, rubbing his hands together. When it seemed that Rimmer wouldn’t be the one to continue the discussion, Lister cleared his throat quietly.

 

‘So,’ he said. ‘You must have a lot of questions?’ He paused. ‘It – erm – it was a surprise. The baby, I mean. I was telling the truth when I said I didn’t know it could still happen.’

 

He worried at his bottom lip some more, hoping Rimmer might say something. _Smeg_ , he was scared.

 

‘I don’t know where to start,’ he continued, with a small laugh. ‘I suppose – It was after you left, see? And Kris joined us and – and you’d think I’d be all over her, wouldn’t you? Even _I_ would have done, a few years ago. I mean, it was great to have her, and – and she _looked_ great and everything...’ He was rambling, he realised. He took another deep breath. ‘Sorry. I’m nervous... The thing is, I _wasn’t_ all over her.’

 

Rimmer blinked and looked at him. Lister swallowed.

 

‘I didn’t understand until you were gone – how I felt,’ Lister went on softly. ‘After you left I started having these dreams. In them, you always came back from adventuring and – you decided to stay. At first I just thought I was going mental. And then I had to just admit to myself I’d started missing you while I was awake, as well.’ Lister sighed, shaking his head. ‘Ironic, isn’t it? Me dead ex-girlfriend arrived from another reality, and all I could think about was you.’

 

Rimmer’s hand twitched, but he still didn’t say anything.

 

‘I was sort of in denial then. I didn’t really need to confront it – because you weren’t there, and there was all this other stuff going on. But then the nanobots rebuilt the ship – and when I was in our old quarters and you – he – came in... God, I was so smegging happy! And then I realised. He wasn’t you. He didn’t know anything about the accident or _any_ of it. But I tried – I asked him for help. At first I didn’t think it would work out. He was this weaselly little smeg-head and all. He wasn’t one of us; wasn’t – our friend. But once the trial was over and we were in prison... I just could help meself. I wanted him to like me – and then we became friends, and that was great. Then one night we got back from a Canaries mission and we were both fed up... And I just wanted to hold someone, you know? To hold and... be held – by _him_.’

 

Rimmer inhaled audibly, glancing down at his own hands.

 

‘...And then he died. God, it was – It was smegging _crap_. And I _know_ he was his own person – ’ Lister leaned forwards slightly to catch Rimmer’s eye. ‘He had this different narrative to his life and everything. But I suppose I was drawn to him – because he was _you_. And you’re _him_ , in a way.’

 

Rimmer gave a choked sound.

 

‘ – The baby – ’ he said finally.

 

‘Is his, yeah,’ said Lister. ‘And – _yours_ , if you want to look at it that way.’

 

‘ – I – ’ Rimmer’s mouth opened and shut a few times, until finally Lister took pity on him.

 

‘There’s no ultimatum here, Rimmer. None of this is _your_ fault. I don’t expect anything from you if you’re not interested. But – if you are, I think – I think I’d like that. _I_ like to think of it as – you’re not responsible, but you _are_ welcome.’ He beamed at him.

 

Rimmer looked at him, wide-eyed.

 

‘...You need some time,’ said Lister, his face falling slightly as he nodded. ‘ – That’s a good idea. You should get some rest and – let this sink in. I can get out of your way, if you like?’

 

Rimmer’s face was still troublingly blank. Lister turned to get off the chair, but then skittered back around to face him.

 

‘Did you, erm – actually _hear_ any of what I’ve said?’ asked Lister. ‘It’s just – I don’t think I could say it all again. Not today, anyway.’

 

While he was still terrified of Rimmer’s response to all of this, Lister had actually been relieved that he’d finally come clean with him. But if the guy really had just frozen completely and was still none the wiser, he didn’t think he could cope.

 

‘ – I heard what you said,’ replied Rimmer eventually, his voice startlingly normal and his gaze searching. ‘Don’t go.’

 

‘Are you okay?’

 

‘I’m... ’

 

‘Did you want to ask me anything? Go ahead, man.’

 

Rimmer crossed his arms, still frowning to himself.

 

‘Why – why _him_?’ was his question, when it finally came a minute or two later.

 

Lister blinked.

 

‘How do you mean?’ he asked. ‘I told you – it’s because he was you.’

 

‘But you never tried anything with _me_.’

 

‘Well... maybe it was the purple uniform, or the neon lights shining through the cell bars and bouncing off the lav?’ Lister pulled a face. ‘Really made the atmosphere, that.’

 

‘ _Lister_.’

 

‘Sorry...’ said Lister. Now that the tension of explaining himself was abating slightly, he was rapidly descending into a bit of a silly mood. ‘I just – I’m still not sure what you mean? You weren’t there – I _couldn’t_ have tried anything with you.’

 

‘You never did. So why him and not _me_? Was it because he was alive?’

 

‘Rimmer – that’s not... _No_ , I didn’t shag him because of that! It wasn’t a case of me choosing the flesh and blood version of you over _you_. I told you – I didn’t know how I felt until after you left. I had no idea. You know me – I usually like girls, and besides it’s _you and me_.’

 

Lister thought his heart might break at the thought of Rimmer feeling overlooked because of being a hologram. However, if he did, then didn’t that mean...?

 

‘I’m not trying to just bring in a replacement,’ said Lister carefully. ‘I never was. If _both_ of you had been around at the same time I would have been happy. I mean – not in _that_ way. Well... Oh, shut _up_ , Lister! Look – what I meant earlier, was that – you don’t have to take responsibility for the kid if you don’t want, because you _weren’t_ the one I had sex with, but – ’

 

‘No,’ said Rimmer, cutting him off suddenly.

 

‘No,’ repeated Lister, his heart seeming to crash down into his feet.

 

‘But,’ Rimmer continued, ‘I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t have taken you up on the offer. Or – been the one to offer it... however this went down. I _know_ myself.’

 

‘ – So – you _might_ have offered?’ asked Lister, hopefully.

 

‘Yes. At least – I wanted to. I mean, I still... want to.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my word this was so tricky to write. Conversation is HARD. But the truth's out! I hope everyone enjoys it!


	9. The Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer and Lister discuss their feelings (some more).

_There_ was the glint; the look in Rimmer’s eye that Lister had been on the receiving end of countless times. Seeing it now made him want to jump for joy and shrink back into his chair all at once. This was the man he’d been pining after for years, telling him he wanted him. That he’d wanted him for a long time.

 

‘So... you like me?’ asked Lister, the question sounding a bit stupid and juvenile once it was out.

 

‘ _Like_ you?’ Rimmer repeated, voice evening out as he shook his head. ‘That word just sounds... I don’t think my feelings for you were ever so trivial.’

 

‘Even when we hated each other?’

 

‘Even then. You have no idea, Lister.’ Rimmer snorted. ‘Smeg. Of course I – _he_ leapt at the opportunity to have you.’

 

Lister’s heart fluttered at his words.

 

‘...You seem upset?’ he asked, concerned.

 

‘Upset that I didn’t get there first? A lot. A bit. I don’t know.’

 

Lister worried his bottom lip between his teeth. He couldn’t really breach the subject of what would have happened if both Rimmers had been around at the same time. To abandon either one for the other would have been a shitty thing to do, and although he’d never be glad of Nano-Rimmer’s death, he was suddenly relieved that he’d never have to witness that scenario.

 

‘...I thought you’d been killed too,’ he said sadly.

 

‘Thanks for your confidence,’ replied Rimmer, not sounding as bitter as he looked.

 

Lister shook his head.

 

‘It’s not that,’ he said. ‘The real Ace died, and he was _trained_ for danger. I know we’ve had our own scrapes but we were never really prepared for any of it, and we always had each other. I thought you might just come back if you got scared or fed up. But then you didn’t...’ He swallowed. ‘I thought maybe I’d – that I’d – ’

 

‘Sent me to my death?’ Rimmer finished for him. ‘I’m already _dead_ , Listy. And like I said – I could have said no. I _would_ have done, but – I have to admit I was curious. Just to see what it was like being... _him_. And if I could do it.’

 

Lister smiled. Both Rimmer and Ace got the same looks on their faces whenever they referred to each other. Like they were trying to chew a peppercorn.

 

Rimmer looked at him knowingly.

 

‘I don’t think I made much of an Ace,’ he said. ‘I relied heavily on his old databanks for a lot of it. I just don’t thrive off that kind of life. And I resented having Ace’s stuff around me; seeing his self-satisfied face in the mirror. I kept thinking about what you said, about being a different kind of Ace, and I’d find myself thinking, “What would Lister do?”, which always resulted in total chaos.’

 

‘Oi!’

 

‘But it nearly always turned out to be the right thing, somehow.’ Rimmer’s voice went lower, and softer. ‘I should have said earlier... I missed you, too.’

 

Lister’s smile widened, feeling his heart swell.

 

‘Will you stay?’ he asked. ‘For good?’

 

‘Back with the _Red Dwarf_ posse?’ said Rimmer dubiously.

 

‘Yeah, man! The Boys from the ‘ _Dwarf_ , remember?’

 

‘I... was never really – ’

 

‘’Course you were.’

 

‘...Thanks. I mean – to be honest I never really felt much camaraderie with the others. I _suppose_ I may have made the Cat and Kryten feel unwelcome in _some_ way – ’

 

Lister raised an eyebrow as Rimmer continued.

 

‘ – and I know Holly felt unappreciated at times. But I don’t hate them. And I know I’m not _their_ favourite guy.’

 

‘You’re still an important part of the crew, Rimmer. You’re irreplaceable.’

 

Rimmer shook his head.

 

‘You’ve all done _fine_ without me,’ he said bitterly, his gaze on Lister intensifying. ‘It’s _you_ we’d fall apart without.’ At Lister’s frown, he leaned forwards. ‘No doubt about it, Lister. Just look at our future selves.’

 

‘The ones you stopped by blowing up the time drive?’ said Lister sceptically, and Rimmer nodded. ‘Okay, I know my future self was a brain in a jar, but he was definitely _there_.’

 

‘Something changed those men. At some point, something happened that twisted their morals; warped them as people. You wouldn’t have let that happen if you’d been... whole.’

 

‘Rimmer – the guy still had his mind. He was just as much of a scumbag as the rest of them. Yeah, so at some point he couldn’t really get much out of what they did, but he still agreed to it!’

 

‘What makes you so sure he _knew_ everything he was agreeing to? He couldn’t see anything. They could have lied to him, twisted things. Maybe the thing that changed them all was when he got hurt.’

 

‘ _Or_ maybe the smeghead already deserved to get blown up by that point. What if he was the literal _brains_ of the operation?’

 

Rimmer had a haunted look on his face.

 

‘I could have dealt with looking like a walrus,’ he said, swallowing. ‘How that works for a hologram I don’t know. But the thought of us...’ He trailed off, shaking his head.

 

‘It really bothers you, doesn’t it?’ said Lister, watching him. ‘I mean – we were all upset.’

 

‘I became really quite proud of our group, you know. I’m not close with the others, and we were always a bloody mess... but we always tried to do the right thing. Usually because of you.’

 

‘I think you’re putting me on a bit of a pedestal there, to be honest.’

 

‘No, I’m not.’

 

Lister chuckled. Rimmer’s voice was full of certainty, but also a little embarrassment and annoyance.

 

‘Well, I’d have been no good to anyone if it wasn’t for you,’ he said. ‘And I did some very stupid things sometimes.’

 

‘You did. But not because you wanted to hurt anyone.’

 

At that moment, Lister recalled sawing into Rimmer’s camphor wood chest with a flash of guilt. He hadn’t been trying to specifically hurt Rimmer then, and he was fairly certain that the chaos with the mind swap a few weeks later had been the guy settling the score between them, but it had been a low point for him. He remembered when they escaped the psi-moon, joining in with the others and saying, ‘No!’ when Rimmer asked them if they’d meant it when they – _he_ – had said they loved him. He rarely did things completely unprovoked, and Rimmer could be a difficult person to live with, and yet he was staggered that the man thought so highly of him.

 

‘Rimmer – if you came back, I’d like things to be different,’ he said. ‘I know you probably have your own life going on outside of us and even outside of the Ace stuff, but I’d really like to try.’

 

‘You mean you want a relationship?’ said Rimmer, sitting up.

 

Lister blushed.

 

‘Yes, but I also meant in general. I know things used to be pretty grim for you, even here. And I appreciate what you just said, but you and I both know we used to hurt each other – it wasn’t just you.’

 

Rimmer nodded.

 

‘What was it like with the other me?’ he asked, going rather pink in a full-on holographic blush. ‘Was that a real relationship or did the two of you just... make babies?’

 

Lister laughed again as he trailed off.

 

‘We didn’t really get out much, being in prison and all,’ he said. ‘So we never really discussed our situation. But it was... nice, whatever it was.’

 

‘Did anyone else know?’

 

‘Not at the time. I told Kris after he died, but I think she already suspected. Holly and Kryten know now.’

 

Rimmer blanched.

 

‘You told them before me?!’ he said indignantly.

 

‘ _No_ – they both guessed when I found out I was pregnant. As Kryten put it – I only shared my cell with one other person.’

 

‘ – Oh.’ Rimmer deflated.

 

Lister fidgeted awkwardly.

 

‘So... would you think about coming back?’ he asked.

 

Rimmer glanced down at his hands sheepishly.

 

‘I don’t need to think about it, Listy,' he said. 'To tell you the truth, I found my replacement months ago. Since then I’ve been trying to find you.’

 

Lister blinked in surprise.

 

‘You have?’ he asked. ‘But what about the _Wildfire_?’

 

‘He has it – the new Ace. He dropped me off in this dimension. The one in the shuttle bay just looks a lot like it. Had to be towed here by the original – no dimension-hopping features. Used it as decoy once in – Never mind.’ Rimmer shook his head.

 

Lister grinned.

 

‘So you’re staying, then?’

 

‘Yes. I didn’t want to say in case – in case I wasn’t welcome.’

 

‘You’ll always be welcome, Rimmer. No matter what.’

 

‘Thank you.’

 

‘ – What about this?’ said Lister, running a hand over his bump. ‘What you thinking?’

 

A look of childlike curiosity formed on Rimmer’s face, chin lifting slightly as he watched the motion.

 

‘Did you want to... feel?’ asked Lister.

 

‘ – Yes,’ said Rimmer decisively after a small pause.

 

He rose slowly, and Lister twisted a little further to the side in his chair, grinning up at him. Rimmer stood there for a moment, observing Lister with little side-to-side motions of his head, as though he was trying to measure something.

 

‘Why don’t you bring your chair round?’ Lister suggested. ‘Then you can get comfy.’

 

‘Yes,’ said Rimmer. ‘...Yes.’ He turned and did as Lister said, dragging his chair close to him and then taking a seat once more. He began doing his little head movements again.

 

‘ – Here.’ Lister reached to take Rimmer’s hand, placing it on his domed belly and holding it there.

 

‘Oh!’ said Rimmer, his eyes going wide as his mouth remained popped into a little ‘o’ for a few moments.

 

‘Think it’s sleeping now,’ said Lister, releasing Rimmer’s hand to reach back and scratch under his dreadlocks. ‘Think we bored it.’

 

Lister realised that this was the first time they had touched since Rimmer got back; the first time since that awkward hug when he’d been pretending to be Ace. Suddenly, Rimmer brought his other hand up, but when he laid it on the other side of Lister’s bump, it was with the utmost care. His hard light palms were warm; his long fingers spread elegantly over Lister’s belly.

 

‘This is insane,’ Rimmer whispered, examining the bump with his eyes and hands. ‘Completely and utterly insane.’

 

‘So what’s new?’ asked Lister.

 

The corner of Rimmer’s mouth twitched upwards, and he just slid his palms over Lister’s swollen belly so that that one was on the top, and the other lower down above his bellybutton. Lister tried not to gasp. The sensation was almost one of being tickled, but enjoyably so. He felt open and vulnerable, and yet this was the first time in months that anyone had touched him really intimately, and it felt right. Being under Rimmer’s hands felt right. Everything about it did.

 

‘I have a scan due,’ said Lister breathlessly after a moment. ‘If you want to come?’

 

‘Do you... want me there?’

 

‘Yeah.’

 

Rimmer nodded, stroking his hands around again.

 

‘This is mad,’ he said quietly, ‘but I did think – when you said about the father and that I’d been brought back, that the baby could be mine. And then I thought, “Don’t be so ridiculous, Arnie – Lister wouldn’t shag you if he was the last human being alive.”’

 

‘I’m sorry – I wasn’t sure when to tell you,’ said Lister, forcing himself to concentrate on the discussion. ‘Wasn’t sure if you’d run straight back to where you came from, or if you’d tell me to stuff it.’

 

‘You think I’d do that?’

 

‘I couldn’t really blame you – it’s not like we ever knew this was possible again.’

 

‘What? You thought I’d just skip off pretending like this is nothing to do with me at all?’

 

Rimmer’s words were spoken fervently, but there was no anger there. His dark eyes raked over Lister’s form hungrily; desperately.

 

‘Well – _you_ didn’t do the deed, strictly speaking,’ said Lister, concealing a pleased shudder. ‘I thought you’d just be freaked out, or even offended if you didn’t feel the same way.’

 

‘I’m not going to pretend I’m totally unafraid,’ said Rimmer, staring into Lister’s eyes.

 

‘That’s understandable,’ said Lister, nodding. ‘I feel the same. We can take things as slow as you want. You shouldn't feel bad about any of it – like I said.’

 

‘No – ’ Rimmer leaned in, grabbing Lister’s hand in both of his and looking him in the eye. ‘I’ll take full responsibility for this.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, shorter and dialogue-heavy again, but hope you like!


	10. The Nurturing Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister tries to figure out whether to address the sexual tension between him and Rimmer now or later, their conversation turns to more sober matters after the Cat interrupts them, and Rimmer finally starts panicking.

They gazed at each other until a distinct self-consciousness overcame Rimmer’s expression. Lister felt somewhat disappointed as he ducked his head down again, releasing Lister’s hands to slide across his swollen belly once more. It wasn’t that the contact was unwelcome – not a bit of it – but he’d hoped that Rimmer had been about to kiss him. As he hadn’t, that meant that Lister had to decide whether or not to make a move, but he couldn’t think what to do now. Rimmer was so close – if he wanted to get any closer Lister would have to spread his legs... and _that_ image sparked all sorts of naughty thoughts in his brain. He fidgeted awkwardly, trying to calm himself, when he realised something. It seemed that not all of the heat currently settling in his loins was down to arousal.

 

‘Sorry – ’ he said, moving to stand. ‘Need to use the lav.’

 

‘Of course,’ said Rimmer, placing an arm on Lister’s to rather unnecessarily help him up. Lister gave him a friendly smile, all the same.

 

Lister went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He bit at his lips nervously as he urinated, hoping to have some kind of a brainwave.

 

Now that they’d dealt with the more pressing matters surrounding them (and they had gone well so far – much better than he could have hoped for), he wasn’t sure what to do. It felt as though right now, any request he made about the next phase of their relationship, Rimmer would agree to even if he wasn’t actually ready. But Lister wasn’t quite sure of what he wanted – or even what might be appropriate. He could try for a kiss; no doubt it would lead to more, and Rimmer seemed up for sex... but should they start that now?

 

He took a bit of extra time when washing his hands, wondering what Rimmer was thinking on the other side of the door.

 

Presumably, sex with this Rimmer, would be very similar to sex with his nano-counterpart. Although,  _they_ weren’t confined to a cell together, nor were they still on _Starbug_ , forced into close proximity whether they wanted it or not. Many of Lister’s encounters with Nano-Rimmer had happened on particularly tense days, or during a tediously slow one when they couldn’t face plotting another escape attempt or filling in more of Lister’s puzzlebooks. Sometimes the cold would drive them together when the heating was playing up in The Tank, and sometimes they were just passing the time – especially during their stint in The Hole. But that wasn’t to say that there had been no tenderness at those times. Rimmer could be very affectionate, and had clearly enjoyed their quieter, softer moments of intimacy as much as Lister had. They had just never discussed _them_ outwardly – not like this.

 

 _This_ was the Rimmer he’d known for years. The one he’d grown up with, really – and they knew each other so well.

 

With Nano-Rimmer, he and Lister fell into a pattern fairly quickly once they’d slept together the first time. They were mostly confined to one room, with very little _else_ to do, really. That Rimmer hadn’t really needed to question how things had been with Holo-Rimmer, because the hologram hadn’t been there. But Lister suspected that he’d found the prospect of their being another version of himself somewhere to be rather disturbing. Lister had never really managed to convince Nano-Rimmer that nothing had happened with Holo-Rimmer, but the former hadn’t ever really wanted to talk about the latter. Perhaps the guy been worried about being compared to the original and found wanting – yet again. Lister hoped he hadn’t felt that way. Even though neither of them had ever vocalised their feelings, he had tried to make him feel loved – joked with him, invited him to join the group when they went out, or when they decided to make a break for it again. But at the end of the day, Nano-Rimmer had still been Rimmer. There was bound to be some sense of inferiority hanging about, no matter how many kisses, caresses and sweet nothings Lister gave.

 

But this was different. This was Lister – pregnant. And it was _Rimmer’s_ baby, too, even if he hadn't been the one to impregnate Lister.

 

The terrifying prospect of starting a family together aside, there was also the current issue of the pregnancy itself. Sure, Holo-Rimmer had seen Lister pregnant before, but not when he’d had anything to do with it. Lister was aware that he didn’t exactly look his best right now, and it wasn’t as though his situation was _common_ in their universe. If Rimmer hadn’t been with any men during his time away, he could already be nervous about starting a relationship with Lister, but with _this_... it might be just a bit too much. He didn’t want to scare him off, or put him off completely. Maybe that was why Rimmer had looked away from him just now?

 

Lister turned to the floor-length mirror by the shower, lifting his T-shirt up as he went. He pulled a face. His distended belly had veins and stretchmarks, and his nipples were rather swollen, too. It wasn’t that it was terrible, it was just a bit... weird. He shook his head. What was he like? He’d never used to care about petty little details like this. He looked again, and tried to find some positives. His skin was okay at the moment. And although big, his belly was quite pleasantly rounded. He twisted his body slightly and peered at himself. So was his bottom – Nano-Rimmer had been quite partial to fondling his arse, and it so it made sense that Holo-Rimmer might, too. A bit of extra weight there might work in Lister’s favour.

 

He lowered the material. The T-shirt he was wearing was a little on the grubby side, but nothing as bad as his longjohns had become when they’d been stuck on _Starbug_. The trousers were a maternity pair he’d altered from an extra-large size. They weren’t the most flattering garments, even for a pregnant person. Still, he’d been taking good care of himself recently. He was clean-shaven and his hair was looking pretty great. Lister tried for a smile. He did have a _good_ smile, if he said so himself. And, for smeg’s sake – hadn’t Rimmer just _said_ he was interested; that he’d been interested for a long time?

 

At that moment, he thought he heard Rimmer’s voice, and he finally left the bathroom.

 

Rimmer had obviously been pacing up and down as he’d waited; he was now over by the kitchenette, and turned as Lister opened the door.

 

Damn Rimmer’s tall, slim genes, thought Lister. He was so smegging handsome.

 

‘Sorry,’ said Lister with an awkward grin. ‘Baby’s weighing on me bladder these days.’

 

‘I remember,’ replied Rimmer. ‘From last time – I mean.’

 

‘Did you say something – while I was – ?’

 

Holly interrupted them then.

 

‘Er – sorry, Dave,’ he said. ‘The Cat’s demanding to be let in to this area and he’s – getting a bit...’ He pulled a face.

 

‘I told you to tell him to smeg off, Holly!’ Rimmer snapped, walking over to stand beside Lister.

 

‘Tried it.’

 

‘It’s okay,’ said Lister, and looked up at Rimmer. ‘Why don’t we tell him? He’ll probably clear off when he finds out.’

 

‘...If you like,’ said Rimmer, with an unenthusiastic face.

 

‘You can let him in now – thanks, Hol.’

 

The door whirred as it opened, and they could hear others doing the same in the distance.

 

‘Are you sure about this?’ asked Rimmer warily.

 

Lister nodded.

 

‘He’s the only one left to tell,’ he said. ‘We might as well, don’t you think?’

 

They heard quick, clacking footsteps, and then the Cat’s voice.

 

‘Heeey, why is Holly telling me _I_ can’t come in here?’ he said as he span into the room.

 

‘Sorry, man,’ said Lister. ‘Me and Rimmer were having a talk.’

 

‘A talk? What kind of _talk_ means that you have to – ’ The Cat stopped abruptly, and then leant in to take a few sniffs from around Lister’s personal space. ‘Eurgh! Why do you smell like that? And what have you guys been _doing_?!’

 

Lister twitched awkwardly. He knew he probably smelled a bit like arousal – and possibly Rimmer – although the Cat had never detailed just how much their hologram’s scent lingered where he’d been.

 

‘Mind your own business, you!’ barked Rimmer, his gaze livid.

 

‘Look, man,’ said Lister awkwardly. ‘Now isn’t really the best time, but – ’

 

‘Wait a minute!’ the Cat interrupted, shaking his head as he pointed at him. ‘I know you’re into dudes now, but _him_? Really? I think this whole pregnant-thing is making you hallucinate.’

 

‘No, it’s _not,’_  Lister stated firmly. ‘Rimmer is the baby’s father, Cat.’

 

The Cat leaned away slightly to eye the two of them. He took a little while to turn this new information over in his brain.

 

‘Is it gonna come out with a little H?’ he said finally, gesturing over his own smooth, perfectly moisturised forehead.

 

‘Oh – go and chase a ball of yarn or something, why don’t you?’ griped Rimmer.

 

‘What?! What I say?’

 

‘Cat,’ said Lister gently. ‘I’ll explain everything to you later, but right now we’d really appreciate some privacy.’

 

‘So? I need privacy sometimes, too – you don’t see _me_ locking _you_ out of an entire area!’

 

‘I know – I’m sorry, we didn’t mean to turf you out. Holly was just helping us – you know, keep the place empty so we could talk without getting interrupted. We only need our quarters now, though.’

 

‘Oh, well, thanks a _lot_.’ The Cat stood there for a moment, sneering between them.

 

‘ – That means _you_ need to leave,’ Rimmer said to him, making a shooing motion with his hand.

 

The Cat raised an eyebrow at him.

 

‘ _Please_ , Cat?’ said Lister desperately.

 

‘Okay, okay,’ grumbled the Cat, shrugging as he made to go.

 

Lister sighed, shooting Rimmer a look. Suddenly, the Cat was back – hovering at his shoulder.

 

‘You’re really having a kid with _him_?!’ he asked incredulously, nodding at Rimmer.

 

‘ _Go_ , Cat!’ snapped Lister. ‘Me and Rimmer have things we need to discuss.’

 

‘I’ll _bet_!’ snarked the Cat with two last revolted glances at each of them. ‘And don’t you worry about me, I am _leaving_.’ He turned tail and swept out.

 

Lister called after him, ‘If you want to know anything, you can ask Kryten about it!’

 

‘Bud, I’m not even a _little_ bit interested!’ was the response.

 

Lister wasn’t offended. The Cat wasn’t curious now, but he would have his questions at some point, and when that time came... he hoped he wasn’t around.

 

‘Oh my God,’ said Rimmer behind him, his voice slightly shaky.

 

‘You okay?’ asked Lister as he turned to him. Rimmer had gone very pale.

 

‘I’m going to be a father.’

 

Lister’s eyes widened in understanding, and he placed a hand on Rimmer’s arm.

 

‘Easy, man,’ he said gently, as Rimmer let out a choked noise and doubled over slightly. ‘Just breathe, Rimmer. Smeg – this is still happening, then?’

 

‘Not – not a lot.’ Rimmer placed his hands on his knees as he took a couple of long, frantic breaths. ‘Not anymore. It’s – it’s – ’

 

Lister rubbed his back encouragingly. He winced as Rimmer inhaled noisily again.

 

‘Look – you’ve been really great and accepting about everything...’ he murmured. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to take some time to think about things?’

 

‘W-what do you mean?’ Rimmer panted.

 

‘Well – do you want some space? I can get of your way if you like? I was thinking about getting the new quarters set up soon, anyway. I could move in there tonight and you could have the place to yourself for a bit.’

 

‘...Cower in my room – while the m-mother of my child copes alone?’ Rimmer pulled a disgusted face. ‘Absolutely _not_.’

 

‘I’ve been “coping” already, man. You wouldn’t be, like – _abandoning_ me and the baby or anything. You'd just be taking some time to think it all over.’

 

Rimmer staggered over to the table and gripped one of the chairs, panting as he stared at the ground in a lost way.

 

‘You – you mean you _don’t_ want us to be together, after all?’ he asked quietly.

 

‘Eh, of course I do,’ said Lister, following him over. ‘More than anything. All I’m saying is we can take things slowly – we don’t have to jump in at the deep end.’

 

‘Lister – We’re having a baby. I think we’ve long bypassed the deep end and are now being sucked down the smegging plughole.’

 

‘I knew this would happen. You’re totally freaked out, aren’t you?’

 

‘I’m – I’m fine!’

 

‘Smeg. I didn’t mean to sound like I was giving you the boot already. Just meant you could mull it all over for a few days, maybe. If you needed.’

 

‘No!’ Rimmer straightened up then, shooting Lister a determined look. ‘I’m the father, Listy! I’m your _rock_. I don’t need _days_. I just – I just need a minute.’ He deflated slightly and rubbed his chest for a moment, motioning with his free hand to the other chair. ‘Please – sit down.’

 

Lister did so, more to humour the other man, who slowly tugged his chair so they were sitting side by side (Lister having to be a bit further back) at the table.

 

‘It’s just that...’ Rimmer looked at him tentatively. ‘I don’t know if I’ll be any good at this.’

 

Lister reached to stroke his arm. ‘You think you’re the only parent-to-be who’s worried over that?’ he said. ‘I’m scared too.’

 

‘But you _are_ a parent. If you’d been able to keep the twins... even the other boy – it would have been like a bloody bomb had gone off in here, but you’d be doing your best. You have that... that nurturing touch. I could have told you that when you were pregnant the first time round. I _should_ have done.’

 

Lister smiled as Rimmer continued.

 

‘But me? I’ve never even come close to having a child. _My_ two parental figures were a mentally unstable tyrant, and an emotionally-stunted molester of the family help!’

 

‘You won’t be like them. You’re better than them – _all_ of them.’

 

Rimmer stared at him, and then glanced down at Lister’s hand still on his arm.

 

‘You see?’ he said, gesturing to it and to Lister’s body. ‘You have this _way_ about you that makes people feel... I mean, I get this hot, uncomfortable itch when I _try_ to compliment someone.’

 

‘Being nice gives you hives?’ asked Lister, raising an eyebrow.

 

Rimmer shook his head.

 

‘It’s not that I haven’t _thought_ about fatherhood, of course,’ he began, frowning at the table as he straightened up again. ‘I always told myself I’d be married with children after becoming an officer. You remember the _Better Than Life_ fiasco, don’t you? Well, all those kids with Yvonne McGruder – it started pleasantly enough. Just I didn’t know anything about pregnancy so it just kept skipping over the _baby_ part, and then my mind started rejecting the nice things altogether, and she kept having more and more of them.’

 

‘We’re not in a computer game,’ said Lister, the hand still rubbing his arm now moving over Rimmer’s back. ‘And we’ll just be having the _one_ kid, unless like me – you’ve got some unusual physiology we don’t know about.’

 

Rimmer rolled his eyes at him, but then they closed as Lister’s hand moved over his shoulders again, the corner of his mouth twitching up slightly.

 

‘We have a while to go yet,’ Lister continued after a moment. ‘To figure out the basics. And Kryten’s all eager to help us – I think we’ll be okay, you know? And don’t worry about not doing a good job... you don’t _want_ to be like your parents were, do you?’

 

‘God, no.' Rimmer opened his eyes. 'I’ve been swearing I wouldn’t be like either of them with my own kids since I was six years old.’

 

‘Then you won’t be. It’s not gonna be plain sailing the whole time, but we’ll work on it together, yeah?’

 

Rimmer nodded slowly, still looking doubtful. He peered down at Lister’s bump, and Lister leaned back so that he could lay a hand on it again. He pulled a face, and Lister’s heart clenched in fear.

 

‘I can’t believe our baby was conceived in _prison_ ,’ said Rimmer. ‘I mean – what are we going to tell it when it’s older? “Yes – your father and nano-father really took a shine to each other during lockdown one evening.”’

 

Lister let out a relieved chuckle.

 

‘I’m _not_ telling them about their conception – knowing my own is weird enough.’

 

‘I meant they might want to know _how_ we had a baby. With me being dead.’

 

‘Well – we can just give them the smaller details.’

 

‘I suppose you’re right.’ Rimmer shuddered.

 

‘We weren’t given much in The Tank, it’s true. There was never gonna be any candlelit dinners or roses or anything. But it really wasn’t half as seedy as you’re probably imagining.’

 

‘...Wasn’t it?’

 

Lister paused, fighting off a grin at the note of definite interest in Rimmer’s question.

 

‘No. But I don’t think we’ll have to worry over the kid asking about it for a long time.’

 

‘Yes,’ said Rimmer decisively, rubbing over Lister’s belly and making him squirm pleasantly.

 

‘And - and we’ll figure some of it out as we go along – and that’s perfectly normal – so parenting leaflets have told me.’

 

‘Yes, we will. You, me, and Little Dorrit here.’

 

Lister wrinkled his nose.

 

‘We’re not calling it _that_ ,’ he said.

 

‘You need to read more,’ said Rimmer, shaking his head. ‘...But on that note, did you have any names in mind?’

 

‘Some, yeah.’

 

‘Can _I_ make a request?’

 

‘...Sure, man!’

 

 _‘Don’t_ call it “Speed”. Please.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, even more conversation! One of these days the boys will actually move on from this talk, I swear.


	11. The Scan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer joins Lister for his scan, and they have a conversation about the difficult dynamic he shares with Kryten. Things also progress somewhat in their own relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ahem* This may be a little NSFW at the end, there.

‘Are you _sure_ you know what you’re doing with that thing?’

 

‘Please, sir – I  _have_ been Mr. Lister’s primary medical advisor these last few years... And your own, if you remember?’

 

‘Don’t remind me. I still have nightmares about that rusty little scanner.’

 

‘I’ll thank you not to refer to Eddie in that way.’

 

‘Oh, well that puts _all_ of my concerns to rest; a semi-retired service droid who names his shabby medical equipment.’

 

‘ _Mr. Rimmer_ , I know exactly what I’m doing! I delivered Mr. Lister’s twins, after all!’

 

‘I mean, I don’t know why we don’t just hand over our child to you the moment it – ! What the hell’s _that_?!’

 

‘What, sir?’

 

‘On the screen – What’s all that... _stuff_?’

 

‘...That’s just the greyscale screensaver, sir. It’ll be turning to “lava lamp” in a few seconds – in case you needed forewarning.’

 

As Rimmer, still wide-eyed and alarmed, lowered his hand from where it had been pointing at the screen, Lister just rolled his eyes at the ceiling as he reclined leisurely with his hands behind his head.

 

‘Rimmer, stop harassing him and let him get on with it,’ he sighed.

 

He was used to the routine of these checkups by now; the questions, the advice, the scanner, the cold gel on his stomach, and the ultrasound. The pregnancy side of things wasn’t giving him too much concern. Although he’d had an uncomfortable time with the twins, it had been a fairly uneventful nine months. He’d been the one to request another sonogram; just to check if there could be any indication the baby was following in its older brothers’ footsteps and would have to move to the parallel universe. He didn’t know if anything currently going on in his womb would actually give them any clue of that eventuality, but he wanted to be as sure as they could possibly be. Kryten’s medical scanner had yet to pick up anything unusual, and if Lister was being honest with himself, he also really enjoyed watching the images.

 

Rimmer, meanwhile, had been even more pedantic than usual since they arrived at the Medi-bay. He’d shot back almost every single question of Kryten’s with an enquiry of his own, and kept pacing back and forth across the room, refusing to take a seat. Lister supposed they shouldn’t be surprised. Rimmer as a colleague and bunkmate had been intense enough over the years. Rimmer as a lover was something he could loosely imagine based on his experiences with his nano-counterpart – although much of it he could only guess. But Rimmer as a _father_ was almost certainly going to present its own list of challenges. Smeg knew how he was going to be during the delivery. Still, it was nice that he was so interested, and Lister was content to indulge his fussing for now – but only to an extent.

 

‘Come sit down,’ Lister told him softly, and patted the back of the chair next to the examination table. ‘I’m holding in a full bladder’s worth, here.’

 

Rimmer hesitated, looking back and forth between Lister and the screen for a moment before dutifully walking around the bed and taking a seat. Lister winked at his disgruntled face and then turned to look at the screen as Kryten began to move the transducer over his belly.

 

Lister grinned as he heard the beats start up, and the image on the screen flicked to a familiar sight. For a few moments, everything was a blur of difficult to make out shapes, and then finally a clearer form grew rapidly before their eyes. Lister pointed at it.

 

‘That’s the head, see?’ he said, looking at Rimmer.

 

Rimmer was silent for once, his eyes searching as they watched intently. Lister put a hand on his shoulder, and Rimmer covered it with his own, gaze still fixed on the monitor between Lister and Kryten.

 

Lister shot Kryten a small smile, and could tell from Kryten’s own little brow movements that they were both thinking the same thing: That’s shut him up, hasn’t it?

 

‘Look at its little tummy!’ laughed Lister, after a few seconds of watching the scan. ‘Takes after me, then.’

 

‘Ah, that may just be the structure of the ribcage, sir,’ said Kryten, still carefully moving the transducer around. ‘The baby is still changing shape quite rapidly.’

 

Rimmer gently squeezed Lister’s hand.

 

‘I can show you the other scans I’ve had?’ Lister asked him. ‘If you wanted to see?’

 

Rimmer looked rather sheepish then, and cleared his throat. ‘I’ve – erm – I’ve actually had a look already,’ he said. ‘I hope you don’t mind, but they were just up on the wall, so...’

 

‘Of course I don’t mind!’

 

‘But – I’d like to see them again? I couldn’t really make them out – Well, obviously.’

 

‘They don’t really look like anything in the early days.’

 

When it was finished, Kryten handed Lister a box of tissues to wipe his belly off, and then switched all the machinery off.

 

‘Everything looking good, sirs,’ he said cheerily.

 

‘Wait – do you know the sex?’ asked Rimmer, looking at Kryten, who peered around to catch Lister’s eye. Rimmer turned to him as well.

 

Lister shrugged.

 

‘I was happy to wait until it’s born – unless you really wanted to know now?’ he said.

 

‘Oh,’ said Rimmer, looking mildly surprised as though the idea of not knowing hadn’t occurred to him. ‘No – I’ll wait, too. If that’s what you’re doing.’

 

Lister nodded.

 

They were still a little shy of each other. They’d spent the previous evening quietly together, and things had become rather awkward again by the time they went to bed. Rimmer had sort of hovered over him for the last few minutes before climbing up to the top bunk, after asking if he needed anything, and Lister had been too tired after their long conversation to try and make something happen.

 

Rimmer was hovering again a couple of minutes later, as he waited while Lister was in the Medi-bay toilet. Lister could _sense_ his nervousness through the door.

 

‘I’m starving,’ said Lister as he came out.

 

Rimmer held out a sandwich on a plate then, and Lister got a mental picture of him wrestling it off Kryten. Kryten always had a meal ready for him after an appointment, but he wasn’t there; no doubt he was off somewhere sulking.

 

He took the plate and nodded at Rimmer, taking a relieved bite of bread and chicken. He went over to sit back down on the examination table, chewing thoughtfully for a moment as Rimmer took the seat by the monitor.

 

‘You want to be nicer to Kryten, you know,’ Lister said to him, when he’d just about finished a mouthful.

 

‘Oh, yes,’ said Rimmer, sneering. ‘I can’t be upsetting your beloved nanny-bot, can I?’

 

‘It’s not about how _I_ feel. And anyway, you didn’t see how he was with Kris at first. He can get quite vengeful when he wants to.’

 

‘Ha!’ Rimmer shook his head, and then sent a curious glance at him. ‘...Vengeful – in what way?’

 

‘Look, I just wouldn’t push him in your shoes, yeah?’

 

‘ – What’s that supposed to mean?’

 

‘You said yourself – you guys were never really close. Did you never hear the phrase, “don’t bite the hand that feeds you?”’

 

‘I don’t understand how anyone _can_ get close to him. I never could.’

 

‘You never even  _tried_.’

 

Rimmer groaned.

 

‘I understand we needed him for your surgery with the twins,’ he said. ‘But I didn’t realise he’d come in and take over _everything_.’

 

‘Well... you wouldn’t want to be doing all the cleaning and cooking anyway, would you?’

 

‘It’s not that. He’s a mechanoid, Lister, and I know you’re going to challenge me on this one, but like it or lump it, that’s what he was _built to do_. It’s – it’s his smugness. His sheer, never-ending know-it-all-ness.’

 

Lister gave him a disapproving stare as he took another bite of his sandwich. They all owed a lot to Kryten. His knowledge and care had seen them through many dangers. But he knew that that didn’t necessarily put him in Rimmer’s high estimations. To him, Kryten’s wealth of information was just... _information_ he was able to store. _He_ didn’t really need to revise or practice any of it, which Rimmer just found annoying. And as for Kryten’s kindness, no doubt he thought it was just what remained of his programming talking, and not actually because he was well-intentioned.

 

‘It’s been a long time since he joined us,’ said Lister, after swallowing. ‘Sometimes it feels like you’ve only just met each other again.’

 

Rimmer snorted.

 

‘I could never _forget_ meeting him,’ he said.

 

‘Neither could I.’

 

Lister supposed things had been particularly tense between them after Kryten joined _Red Dwarf_ for good. In truth, there had been a number of events that contributed to the difficult atmosphere, but Lister knew it had come to a head when he’d had Jim and Bexley. It was a bad week, during which Rimmer had constantly ribbed Kryten over his medical skills, until finally Lister had refused to allow him into the Medi-bay during the delivery. He could still remember Rimmer’s shocked, betrayed face as the doors slid shut on him. If Rimmer had had anything to say to him about it, Lister never heard, and he never really got the chance, as straight after the birth things had started going wrong with the babies. Their relationship had always been volatile, but during that time, it had seemed to go from them griping and shouting at each other, to them being more on edge around each other. There had been many more awkward silences and rather serious cock-ups on both sides.

 

Lister finished off the last of his meal with a sigh. Rimmer hadn’t even had anyone else to talk to back then, had he? His relationships with Holly and the Cat had been as strained as ever. It was all _so_ messed up.

 

‘I promise I won’t kick you out of the delivery room again,’ he said, and Rimmer looked wounded at the reminder. ‘ _If_ you don’t take the piss. But I really don’t want this kid being born and you guys at each other’s throats... or just you at his, anyway. I listened to this parenting tape – Dr. Wilkins reckons babies can sense a bad atmosphere from the off.’

 

‘...You want me to be _friends_ with Kryten?’

 

‘In an ideal world – No, I don’t think that would work, actually. In fact, I think it would be _scary_. I just meant... lay off him. Let him do what he needs to do.’

 

‘But – but then – what do _I_ do? He’s the doctor, he’s the scientist, he’s the nanny and... ’

 

‘You’re the _father_ , Rimmer. Don’t tell me you needed a certificate for that as well?’

 

Rimmer nearly pouted.

 

‘Wouldn’t go amiss,’ he grumbled.

 

‘Well – the baby will get a birth certificate when it’s born, won’t it? The certificate won’t be yours, but it’ll have your name on it.’

 

‘You’re right.’ Rimmer puffed his chest out slightly. ‘I _am_ the father. Kryten’s just... the _doctor_ – and _just_ the nanny and _just_ all the rest of those things.’

 

‘There you go,’ said Lister, smiling at him. ‘So could you just _try_ to be nicer to him? Maybe say thank you to him, for helping us with this?’

 

Rimmer’s expression immediately soured, but he gave a small nod.

 

‘Good,’ said Lister. ‘Thanks. What did you think of the scan?’

 

Rimmer seemed to snap out of it again.

 

‘I – it was – Yes,’ he gabbled.

 

‘Makes it more real, yeah?’

 

‘Yes.’ Rimmer shifted uncomfortably. ‘Those things you were telling Kryten – about the aches you get...’

 

‘They’re totally normal. I’m approaching the third trimester, so I’m getting bigger very quickly now. If there was anything serious the scanner woulda picked it up.’

 

‘Right.’

 

‘Let’s go back,’ said Lister, and let Rimmer help him down off the table.

 

As they walked along the corridor, Lister finally mustered the courage to take Rimmer’s hand. Rimmer gave a surprised little twitch of the head in response, but gently threaded his fingers through Lister’s.

 

Back in their quarters, Lister went over to the kitchenette for a drink of water as Rimmer sat down on Lister’s bunk thoughtfully.

 

‘Want a drink?’ Lister asked him as he ran the tap.

 

‘No, thank you,’ said Rimmer. ‘Would you – ?’

 

‘Hm?’

 

‘Would you tell me – how it happened between you and – and the other Rimmer?’

 

Lister blushed, setting down his glass as he realised that Rimmer must have ordered the door to lock when they came in. He’d been half-expecting this, and he felt a little jolt of excitement run through him.

 

‘Sure,’ he said. ‘ – We’d just finished this Canaries mission. Smeg, it was _grim_. We were sent into this abandoned mineshaft on a small moon. There was loads of water at the bottom of it.’ Lister shuddered. ‘I got a claustrophobia attack and had to stop. Ended up getting left behind by the group they put us in, but Rimmer stayed with me. We were probably only down there for an hour, but it felt like more. When I was able to move, we were both completely soaked through and dirty.’

 

Lister took a deep breath. He’d turned this memory over and over in his mind; thought about it during the day when he was working a particularly dull shift, or at nights when he was feeling lonely.

 

‘All the Canaries had to take a shower coming out, but even _that_ water was cold. Something about the heating playing up. When we got back to our cell – he was so angry, I thought we’d fight. But he just told me to lie down and rest – in his bunk. It was the bottom one, like it always used to be yours, too. I sat on it, and – he was stomping around the place tidying up - to distract himself - I think. I thanked him for staying with me. And he just said he only did it ‘cause he thought the others would have beaten him up if he’d gone with them.’ Lister smiled. ‘I could tell he was lying, though. I asked him if he’d sit with me... and he did.’

 

Rimmer was watching him attentively now, and Lister continued quietly.

 

‘I gave him a kiss – on the cheek. More to say thank you again, ‘because he _had_ been pretty decent about the whole thing. But I did want to, as well. He didn’t move – just stayed there. I went in again, and he still didn’t move... so I kissed him on the lips... No tongues. Just gentle, like. And then – then he turned to me and kissed back. And... you know – ?’

 

Lister fought a stupid grin off his face.

 

‘How was it?’ asked Rimmer.

 

‘Great. Really great the first time.’

 

_Frenzied. A little rough. Lovely._

 

‘So – in his bunk?’

 

‘That time, yeah.’

 

Rimmer blinked.

 

‘Where else... did you?’ he asked cautiously.

 

‘So... mostly in his bunk. A few times in the shower. Once or twice on the table.’

 

Rimmer licked his lips. He was imagining them together, realised Lister with another surge of nervous anticipation. Rimmer stood then, and walked over. As he advanced, Lister turned to him, his heart pounding fast.

 

Carefully, Rimmer bent to kiss him. Lister’s eyes closed blissfully as their lips met, and Rimmer’s hands skimmed down over his chest; over the bump and around it to Lister’s back.

 

Lister craned up a little further, licking into Rimmer’s mouth gratefully. His hands were on Rimmer’s chest, stroking over the muscle beneath his shirt rather greedily. He was getting so hot, just from this brief bit of contact, he almost couldn’t stand it. It was so familiar, so right, and yet... _new._

 

‘Listy,’ murmured Rimmer as they separated for a moment.

 

They kissed again almost harshly, and Lister slid his palms up and over Rimmer’s shoulders to pull him in. He was getting hard, he could feel it, and soon, Rimmer would almost certainly be able to as well. If the pause as Rimmer’s thigh brushed against his crotch was any indication, that was exactly what happened a moment later. Rimmer pulled back from Lister just to press a series of little kisses against his mouth, as one of his hands moved back around – passed the bump – to Lister’s trousers.

 

‘Oh,’ gasped Lister against Rimmer’s lips as he began to rub over the hardness there. He thrust forward gently, his eyes snapping shut. The pressure against his cock vanished, and he nearly sighed in disappointment, but then the hand was back and undoing the little button fastening just under his belly.

 

Lister inhaled deeply as Rimmer worked his heavily elasticated trousers open, and then those long, warm fingers were sliding under the material; into his underwear as well, and brushing over the head of his dick. He whimpered, pulling away from Rimmer and resting his head on his chest. He was so sensitive; he was worried he’d come soon just from this.

 

‘Okay?’ asked Rimmer, through gritted teeth by the sound of it.

 

 _‘Yes,’_ Lister whispered shakily. On second thoughts; he didn’t care if he came too fast. He needed this.

 

Tentatively, Rimmer wormed his hand deeper into Lister’s pants and grasped his erection fully. He gave him a few careful pumps, and nuzzled at his neck.

 

‘Ah!’ Lister gasped as he grabbed Rimmer’s wrist, his knees buckling. ‘Ah! Ah – I need to sit down!’

 

‘ – Smeg,’ grunted Rimmer, before releasing Lister’s erection and winding an arm around his middle. He herded Lister over to the sofa, one hand awkwardly pulling at his trousers. When the trousers and underwear were halfway down Lister’s thighs, Rimmer took a seat as he guided him to sit between his legs.

 

Lister panted as he felt Rimmer’s heat at his back and his outer thighs. Rimmer’s own breath was slightly choked off as he bent his head to suckle tenderly at Lister’s throat. His hand reached for Lister’s cock, and he stroked him again.

 

‘Oh – !’ grunted Lister, squirming slightly. ‘Hang on – here.’

 

He took Rimmer’s hand between both his own, and brought it up to his mouth to give his palm a few licks. Rimmer, who had pulled back from Lister’s neck at his wriggling, now returned his teeth and tongue to the area with renewed vigour, moaning lowly. Lister dropped his hand, sighing at the feeling, and Rimmer resumed pumping him determinedly.

 

‘God – ’ whispered Lister, pushing into the strokes as he reached one arm up to grip the back of Rimmer’s neck, while he rested the hand of the other to support his bump. ‘Yes!’

 

Rimmer kissed along his jawline to his cheek, pausing there as Lister writhed in his arms. His free hand covered Lister’s where it rested over his belly. Lister nearly howled at all the sensations going on at once. He panted furiously, opening his eyes to see the movements of Rimmer’s hands, and seeing the guy’s long, long legs bracketing his own.

 

‘Rimmer – Arn!’ Lister gasped, and then he threw his head back, pushing up off the sofa as his cock spurted all over himself and Rimmer’s fist.

 

Rimmer helped him through the last waves of pleasure; tenderly working his softening erection as he pressed more, soft kisses against his temple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas, everyone!


	12. The Conception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister and Rimmer discuss the ‘mechanics’ of their situation, and further explore their physical relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still a little on the NSFW side ;)

Lister opened his eyes. His heart was still thudding against his ribcage as though he’d run a mile. He was pleasantly relaxed, his head still resting on Rimmer’s shoulder and rising slightly every time the other man took a needless breath. He glanced back down at himself, and with some amusement took in the sight of Rimmer’s hand and his own clothed belly streaked with come. His dreads had all been pushed to the left side of his neck, and Rimmer had ceased his kisses upon the other. He was now just breathing softly against Lister’s temple, and Lister could almost hear him thinking.

 

‘So much for taking things slowly, eh?’ he chuckled.

 

‘ – I’m sorry!’ Rimmer blurted out.

 

Lister blinked and tried to get a look at his face. Rimmer seemed to be staring at the wall ahead, refusing to meet his eyes.

 

‘Sorry? Why are you sorry, man?’

 

‘Well I just – I didn’t mean to just go for it, like some kind of... But you seemed to want – I moved too fast, didn’t I?’

 

‘No! I liked it – I mean, _obviously_ I liked it. I’m a bit sensitive at the moment, so – er, you weren’t the only one “moving too fast”.’

 

Rimmer opened his mouth, before appearing to think better of it and shaking his head. He seemed nervous; all the fire and confident energy from before vanished. He was also clearly at a loss over where to put his sticky hand. Lister took it in one of his own and wiped everything off onto his already soiled T-shirt.

 

‘Thanks,’ said Rimmer distractedly.

 

‘Thank _you_. Smeg – I needed that so bad,’ said Lister, and twisted around to grin up at him. ‘Want me to return the favour?’

 

Rimmer swallowed, looking tempted but his eyes still rather big and worried.

 

‘...You don’t have to,’ he said softly.

 

‘Oh, but I _want_ to.’

 

‘I meant – I’ve already, you know?’

 

‘But you – ’ Lister wiggled his bottom slightly against the definite hardness that was poking him there. His eyes widened in realisation.

 

‘Forgot how fast you recover,’ he said, grinning again.

 

‘Polite of you to say, “recover,”’ said Rimmer dryly.

 

Lister laughed, leaning back on Rimmer’s shoulder again to press a kiss to his cheek. He wanted so much more. He wanted Rimmer’s hands and mouth on him again. He wanted to touch and taste. He wanted to see the man lose control.

 

‘Well, if you’re ready,’ he murmured. ‘Give us a minute and we can do anything you like.’

 

‘Can we? I mean – can _you_?’ asked Rimmer doubtfully. ‘It won’t hurt you or the baby?’

 

‘Nah. Although – now you mention it, this might make things a little awkward.’ Lister cupped his hands over his bump thoughtfully. ‘But we can still try.’

 

‘Even – even, you know – proper sex?’

 

‘”Proper sex?”’

 

‘As in – _intercourse_.’

 

Lister felt a jolt of desire course through him. Rimmer _did_ still want him, even now, when he looked like this. Oh, smeg yes, he thought. _Please_.

 

‘So, _that’s_ what’s on your mind,’ he said teasingly. ‘I _see_.’

 

‘Not that we have to!’ Rimmer cut in hastily, giving his hand a little squeeze as though in apology. ‘I just meant – _could_ we do that? Without harming either of you?’

 

‘’Course we can! I’m not made of china.’

 

‘I know – I know you’ve done it loads of times before – with _him_ , but won’t this cause some problems?’

 

Lister leant away slightly to take in Rimmer’s uncertain expression. He didn’t want to encourage any feelings of jealousy Rimmer might feel towards his nano-self. His time with Nano-Rimmer was now a precious memory to him, and although he was inclined to tell Rimmer to stop being so foolish, he supposed a bit of reassurance wouldn’t go amiss.

 

‘To be honest, me and Rimmer – we didn’t get to do that very often,’ he explained softly. ‘We had to be quite discreet, and neither of us was really very experienced in that department, anyway.’

 

Rimmer nodded.

 

‘Perhaps we shouldn’t, then,’ he said.

 

‘No – no – I’d like to!’ said Lister, wriggling around to face him better. ‘I know what I’m doing – and I’d _love_ to do that with you.’

 

‘...Did you ever – do it to him?’

 

‘Yeah. A couple of times. I have to admit I was surprised, ‘cause his attitude to sex always seemed a bit _traditional_ , you know?’

 

‘ – Was it okay?’

 

‘It was. I think maybe he agreed because he’d already done it to me, and thought it was only fair to give it a go. But – he ended up really enjoying himself. We both did.’

 

Rimmer just nodded again, a blush spreading across his cheeks. Were he human, he’d probably have turned a much deeper shade of pink; as the other Rimmer often had when Lister had really pushed his buttons – in _any_ sense of the term.

 

‘The main issue I have now is keeping me balance,’ Lister continued after a moment, and he brought his feet up, still caught in his trousers, and curled up awkwardly between Rimmer’s legs. ‘But it’s not gonna be dangerous or anything. I’m up for it, if you want to do it to me?’

 

Rimmer looked almost scandalised as he glanced at the floor. Lister leant against him, and craned upward to give his throat a couple of gentle kisses above his collar.

 

‘Are you sure the baby will be all right with it?’ Rimmer asked, still sounding troubled.

 

‘Well, I can’t really phone in and ask, can I?’

 

‘I meant – what if I... _disturb_ it?’

 

‘Rimmer, the baby’s _here_.’ Lister placed his hands on his belly and drew a small circle over it with his fingers.

 

‘I know that, but things are getting tighter in there, aren’t they? And if the baby went in that way, what if I... meet it in the middle or something?’

 

Lister smiled up at his fearful grimace, finally understanding.

 

‘That’s not how we made the baby, love,’ he said kindly.

 

Rimmer blinked, possibly at the term of endearment as much as anything else.

 

‘So – how _did_ you?’ he asked, looking down at Lister in bewilderment.

 

‘Up my dick.’

 

Rimmer winced. ‘But how does that work?’ he asked, but didn’t actually sound that keen to know.

 

‘It didn’t hurt or anything,’ said Lister. ‘I mean, I’m not _sure_ , but there were a few times he got me off and used his... you know, as lube. We found out it’s only a small window of time when my body can actually conceive. My own sperm doesn’t wanna play ball then, or something.’ He frowned, recalling one spectacular evening of relentless sex, culminating in Rimmer wringing two powerful, oddly dryorgasms from him. He shivered, remembering the man’s smug face as Lister had sworn and begged under his touch. Yes... that evening was certainly a contender, although, Nano-Rimmer had also had a thing for ejaculating all over him, the fertile git. It probably had something to do with the man’s raging superiority complex – or his raging inferiority complex, but Lister had to admit he’d enjoyed it, too.

 

Rimmer was eyeing him, still looking rather adorably confused, but that interested spark had returned to his eyes now. Lister wondered if any of the excitement he was currently feeling must have been showing on own his face.

 

‘What?’ whispered Rimmer.

 

‘It’s nothing,’ said Lister, shaking his head. ‘But – yeah - the baby should be fine.’ He looked over Rimmer’s shoulder to the bunk and back at him with a waggle of his eyebrows. ‘So, if you fancy it?’

 

‘ _Well_ ,’ said Rimmer, as if he was considering something mundane. Then he smiled. ‘All right, then.’

 

He kissed Lister slowly. The angle was a bit awkward, but they held their positions just long enough to get a good taste of each other. Rimmer deepened the contact with small, satisfied noises, carefully pulling him in closer by his back and hip. Lister felt the stirrings of heat and excitement return to his groin and shuddered, placing a hand on Rimmer’s knee and chest for support. After a minute or two, he became frustrated with their arrangement and broke the kiss to shuffle forwards and pull his trousers and underwear up before rising off the sofa. Rimmer quickly followed, steadying him with a strong arm around his waist.

 

Lister turned in his hold and drew him back in for another snog. He ran a hand up Rimmer’s back; his neck, and then was threading his fingers through his wiry hair. Rimmer moaned appreciatively, and brought both of his own palms to rest on the swell of Lister’s arse and give it a squeeze. Lister nipped lightly at his bottom lip in response, and with his free hand began to tug at the hem of Rimmer’s quilted jacket.

 

‘Can – can you take this off?’ asked Lister between kisses and licks.

 

‘Hang on,’ said Rimmer, pulling away, much to Lister’s disappointment.

 

Rimmer frowned in concentration for a moment, and then his jacket disappeared, leaving him shirtless. Lister blinked in surprise, and then beamed, taking a step towards him.

 

‘S’like a wet dream I had once,’ he said dazedly.

 

‘Oh, really?’ said Rimmer with a smirk, opening his arms again to allow him closer.

 

Rimmer’s skin felt like skin; perhaps a little warmer to the touch, and with something indefinable that betrayed the power that lay beneath it. Rimmer’s birthmarks, and even a scar here and there that Lister hoped weren’t from childhood, were all intact. Lister skimmed his fingers over Rimmer’s chest and collarbones; up to his adam’s apple and then down again to brush across a nipple. Rimmer had the most ridiculously great body, and it had only grown better with age. And Lister had noticed, of course – even when they’d first met and both been younger and skinnier, he remembered thinking that Rimmer would do very well in the dating world if only he dropped all the tight-arsed crap. And speaking of tight arses, Lister realised he’d better sort himself out before he got carried away.

 

He kissed Rimmer again chastely, and then stood on his tiptoes and pressed another, softer one to the H on his forehead.

 

‘Gimme _ten_ minutes,’ he said with a wink. He awkwardly held his loosened trousers up as he walked to the bathroom.

 

He shut the door behind him and then started the shower up. As he removed his clothes, he caught sight of himself in the mirror above the sink and smiled at the little hickey on his neck. He could hear the sink pipes squeaking in the next room; Rimmer must have been washing his hands. He snickered at the thought. The poor guy just couldn’t help himself.

 

He washed himself diligently in the shower, keeping his head out of the spray so as to keep his hair getting soaked. When he was done, he put on the dressing gown that was always hanging on the door. The garment closed over his bump well enough, but there seemed to be substantially less of the belt to tie than there used to be.

 

When he left the bathroom, Rimmer was sitting on the bottom bunk looking apprehensive again, but completely gorgeous. He was now barefoot, and wearing only those dark, tight trousers. It was almost painful to look at. Lister absentmindedly clutched at the opening of his dressing gown, wondering if he could persuade Rimmer to let him keep it on.

 

Rimmer sat up when Lister reappeared, and gave him one of those smiles that would make anyone doubt the guy could be such a smeghead when he wanted to. Lister grinned shyly back at him, and walked over to join him on the bunk. Rimmer put his arms around him, and their lips and tongues met in another greedy kiss. He pulled away again to kiss along Lister’s jaw and apply a few nips and sucks to the left, unmarred side of his neck. Lister nuzzled into the contact happily, caressing the bared skin of Rimmer’s torso fervently. When he glanced down and noticed the bulge tenting Rimmer’s trousers, he smirked and ran a hand up his thigh, before cupping his hand lightly over the swollen area.

 

Rimmer hissed against his neck, startled by the touch. His knees parted a little further, and Lister took the hint and began rubbing and delicately grasping him through the velvety fabric.

 

‘Lister,’ Rimmer grunted, and when Lister looked his eyes were shut tight, and his nostrils flared.

 

Lister covered his mouth with his own, stroking with his tongue and humming contentedly as he began to run the heel of his hand over Rimmer’s hardness. Rimmer groaned.

 

‘I won’t – I need you,’ he gasped, grabbing Lister’s wrist and opening his eyes.

 

Lister pecked him lightly on the side of the nose, and then nodded.

 

‘Okay,’ he whispered.

 

Lister reached behind him to one of the side drawers in the bunk and retrieved a little bottle of lube. Rimmer gulped audibly when he saw it, and Lister just made a kissy face at him and crawled further along into the space. With some effort he turned onto his back, and popped the cap on the bottle open. He squeezed out some of the jelly into his hand, wrinkling his nose at how cold it was.

 

Rimmer had turned himself around to face him; one arm braced beside Lister’s calf. He was watched with rapt attention as Lister rubbed his lubed fingers together to warm them slightly, before moving his hand all the way down between his legs.

 

Lister closed his eyes and pushed a finger inside himself. It went in easily; he’d stretched himself a little in the shower first, and he sometimes did this anyway. Soon, he was sliding a second one in – a little more of a stretch, but he was able to scissor them without any real discomfort.

 

‘ _Listy_.’

 

A hand touched his knee and began gradually advancing the length of his thigh and then back again. Lister opened his eyes to see Rimmer continue to watch him preparing himself. His gaze was dark and hungry, and as Lister bent a knee and spread his legs a little further apart, Rimmer moved over him. He knelt between Lister’s thighs, placing a hand on either side of his shoulders and hovered above his body as he leant down to kiss him on the mouth, and then his chin, and then down his throat.

 

Lister let out a sigh, driving a third finger into himself, just as Rimmer raked his teeth against his neck. His brow furrowed as he felt a tugging at the material of his dressing gown. Rimmer had nestled his face in the soft fabric, and was trying to push it apart.

 

‘Please, Listy,’ he said. ‘Let me see you.’

 

Lister hesitated. What with the heat and the excitement of the moment, the gown _was_ annoying him now.

 

‘Fuck it,’ Lister mumbled, and tugged the belt loose with his free hand.

 

Rimmer groaned as Lister pulled the dressing gown open, and began placing kisses everywhere as more bare flesh was exposed. Lips fastened around his nipple, and Lister hummed and arched up into the touch, their bodies aligning fully. It was then he became aware that Rimmer was now completely naked. The hologram’s cock was bumping up against Lister’s inner thigh, and he panted hoarsely as he moved his attentions to the other nipple, licking gently around the sensitive nub.

 

Lister pulled his fingers from himself easily, reached up, and in no time at all located Rimmer’s erection, covering it and measuring its length and girth with steady contact. His other hand curved around Rimmer’s hip, securing him in a gentle clasp. He stroked him the way he already knew he liked. Rimmer’s eyes closed, his mouth dropping open as he huffed into his chest. Lister was intrigued when he found he’d teased some precum from the head of the man’s dick. It was wet and slippery, but kind of rubbed away into nothing between his fingertips. He could just keep doing this; Rimmer likely wouldn’t protest, but he wanted his cock inside him _now_.

 

Lister cautiously pushed at Rimmer, encouraging him to retreat for the moment. He grabbed one of his pillows from behind his own head, and lifted his pelvis up to slide it underneath. He shrugged off the dressing gown completely, and whined as Rimmer bowed his head to kiss his bump, just above his navel.

 

‘ – Rimmer,’ he breathed, widening his legs again and propelling his hips up in invitation.

 

Rimmer withdrew for a few seconds. Lister could just make out the sound of the lube bottle squeaking as the other man poured out more onto his hands and lathered himself up, and then he was lying over him again.

 

Lister wasn’t so far gone that he didn’t feel some concern, but he knew what to do. He took a deep breath and relaxed his muscles as best he could, while angling his hips to assist Rimmer. The sensation of a cock pressing into him was almost too much, but he welcomed it. He panted heavily, laying his body as flat and open as he could manage.

 

‘ – Oh, smeg,’ said Rimmer, his voice choked off.

 

Lister smiled. He understood; the tightness and the heat of fucking someone was always incredible. Rimmer was taking his time, though. His forehead came to rest on Lister’s breastbone; the H smooth and hot against his skin.

 

How could he ever have thought they were nothing more than roommates, wondered Lister? Of course, it had taken many years for them to come to terms with their feelings, but surely this was the only logical conclusion they had been building up to. There was no way they would have been ready for this kind of intimacy in the early days, but now he questioned his previous belief that they had never felt anything there before more recently. Their need for each other; to be close by – remaining bunkmates even when their acquaintance had been at an all-time low, was just strange. Holly hadn’t been in the wrong to suspect the things he had about their relationship.

 

Eventually, Rimmer's erection was fully inside Lister, his breaths an almost painful-sounding gasp into Lister’s chest. He carefully withdrew, and then moved in again; shoving against Lister, who nearly sobbed as he clung to him, his belly a hefty weight between them that was pushed back and forth along with Rimmer’s thrusts.

 

Lister fancied he caught Rimmer’s eye once or twice as they moved together, but it was all too intense to be sure. He hooked his legs over the man’s hips; ankles resting in the small of his back, forcing him deeper inside. The beautiful ache strengthened as things progressed; their movements became more desperate, more reckless. Their limbs entwined unconsciously; their bodies melding together with barely any mindful intent.

 

It was over before Lister could really gain any true purchase on what was happening. Rimmer was driving into him madly; Lister’s erection chafing just a fraction against his belly – and maybe that was what set him off. All sight and sound seemed to rise and then explode for a moment, and then it was over; Lister was panting gratefully into Rimmer’s hair, and Rimmer was thrusting roughly and swearing against his chest. He felt the man's cock throbbing inside him, felt his hands clenching on his thigh and his upper-arm, and then there was silence.

 

When he came to, Rimmer had pulled out of him. The hologram was still breathing heavily, shuffling back on the bed so as not to crush him. Lister reached back underneath himself and yanked the pillow out of the way and off the bed, his hand flopping over the side lazily. Rimmer moved back in; wriggling between Lister and the bunk wall, and then lifting him slightly to ease underneath him. Finally, Lister was essentially laying on top of him as they spooned together in the narrow bed; were Rimmer human it would no doubt be uncomfortable, but he didn’t seem to be having any trouble whatsoever.

 

Lister stretched out; yawning and nuzzling against him. He could feel his own release cooling on his belly for the second time that afternoon, but he didn't care. He lay his head on Rimmer's chest. The hologram didn’t have a heartbeat, but there was a distant kind of hum beneath the surface of his skin. He supposed it must be the man’s light bee, and stretched languidly again, pressing his ear to his flesh to catch more of the sound.

 

‘That was – ’ he started to say, and couldn’t finish.

 

‘Yes,’ replied Rimmer, enveloping Lister fully in his arms and dropping a kiss onto his sweaty shoulder.

 

‘I missed you so much when you were gone,’ Lister murmured after a few minutes. ‘I always thought about you – wondered where you were.’

 

‘It was the same for me,’ replied Rimmer against Lister’s ear.

 

‘Did you – with anyone else?’

 

It wasn’t really asked out of jealousy; although Lister knew the emotion would likely surface – maybe not today, but some time soon.

 

‘Ace has,’ said Rimmer.

 

Whether or not that meant that Ace had while Rimmer had been him – Lister didn't know. For now, at least, he decided it didn’t matter.

 

‘Was it with you?’ asked Rimmer. ‘The memory wasn’t very clear – like it was from a long time ago.’

 

Lister shook his head, staring blearily up at the bunk’s ceiling.

 

‘Not with me,’ he said. ‘Maybe with Spanners – his Lister – but not me.’

 

‘Do you wish it was – had been you?’

 

‘No... to be honest, I don’t think I could have done anything with Ace.’

 

‘But he tried, didn’t he?’ Lister couldn’t respond, and he felt Rimmer inhale. ‘I knew it – didn’t I tell you all he’d try something as soon as our backs were turned?’

 

‘I don’t know – did you?’

 

‘I knew. From the moment I saw the way he looked at you, I knew what he was thinking.’

 

‘I didn’t think you were being totally serious. You have so many issues, love.’

 

‘I’m always serious, Listy. But, _ha_! Finally – where Ace failed, _I_ succeeded.’

 

Lister was unimpressed, but too exhausted to put any real feeling into his words.

 

‘I’m not an exam, Rimmer – or one of your little Risk games.’

 

‘I’d hardly call Risk a “little” game, but no – you’re more important than that. Far more important.’

 

Lister shook his head, and Rimmer cleared his throat.

 

‘Is the – er – baby okay, after – ?’

 

‘Oh, yeah – still asleep, I think.’

 

‘Well, at least we know who it takes after.’

 

Lister smiled, and shut his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone's enjoying their holidays (if they're still on them). <3


	13. The Nursery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister reassures the Cat when he and Rimmer move into more suitable quarters, and Rimmer makes good on his agreement to thank Kryten.

 

‘Hey, there you are, bud! Didn’t know you liked hanging out in these things, too – But there are no clothes! Why aren’t there any _clothes_?’

 

Lister hissed in satisfaction as the bolt he was unscrewing began to come loose, not looking around.

 

‘Hi,’ he said distractedly.

 

‘...What are you _doing_?’ asked the Cat, preening himself in the floor length mirror on the door of the walk-in wardrobe.

 

‘I’m taking these railings down.’ Lister twiddled the screwdriver until he was able to pull the bolt out with his hand.

 

‘ – _Why_?’

 

‘Because this is gonna be the baby’s room. I’m making space.’

 

‘I thought it was going to sleep with you and Goal-Post Head?’

 

‘Yeah, when it’s small. But when it gets bigger we’re gonna want a bit of privacy, aren’t we? And at some point the kid will need to get used to sleeping alone.’

 

The Cat turned to face him.

 

‘Okay,' he said. 'That is, hands down, _the_ biggest waste of a wardrobe I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s tragic! Why can’t you just stick it in one of the other rooms?’

 

‘Because this room can’t automatically seal in an emergency.’ Lister waved his screwdriver at the ajar door, before turning back to the wall. ‘I don’t want to take any chances. The kid can have its own room when it’s big enough to key in overrides. Or at least get the fridge open.’

 

‘Man, it’s stuff like this that gives me _nightmares_. I thought it was bad enough when you told me _Rimmer_ was the father, but all of this – giving things over so you don’t have things but other people do... it’s just – ’

 

‘You mean compromising.’

 

‘Yeah – _that_!’

 

‘That’s what you have to do when you have kids, Cat. And when you’re in a relationship.’

 

‘No way, man. When I meet that special someone they’d better be independent... like me! ‘Cause I’m in – and then I’m out!’

 

‘Well – that’s not really a _relationship,_ is it?’

 

‘Right! Why would anyone _do_ that to themselves? Why would anyone do what _you’ve_ done to yourself?!’

 

Lister glared at the Cat, reminding himself not to let the smeghead get to him. The baby was wiggling distractingly around inside him, perhaps because of their talking.

 

‘Oh, what – so you wouldn’t take the first opportunity you had to make kittens?’ he asked.

 

‘Not with old Tunnel Nostrils! How _could_ you?!’

 

‘Do you _really_ want to talk about that?’

 

‘No.’

 

‘Then shut up and let me get on with this.’

 

The Cat let out a quiet snort, but didn’t leave.

 

‘I don’t remember you getting all organised and stuff when you were having the twins,’ he grumbled.

 

‘Well – I did make _some_ plans, but I was sort of dealing with other things. Like being in total shock.’

 

‘Why can’t you be like that now?’

 

‘I’ve got to be prepared, man. Babies change things.’

 

‘So, tell it to stop!’

 

‘ _Look_!’ snapped Lister, letting go of the rail and whirling around. He took in the Cat’s affronted expression, and deflated slightly. ‘It’s gonna be okay, Cat. _You_ don’t have to change – but I’m trying to adapt my life to becoming a parent _and_ being in a serious relationship, here. That means things will be different for me and Rimmer, but we’ll settle into a new routine and then things will calm down a bit.’

 

‘I don’t like it, bud. I _really_ don’t like it.’

 

Lister bit his lip. The Cat was polished to the nines as usual – today in a tight, peach number with black accents, but he was looking decidedly uncomfortable; his shoulders slightly hunched. Lister had been worried this might happen at some point. When he’d last been pregnant, the four of them hadn’t been quite such a tight unit and so it probably hadn’t been as disruptive for the Cat. The guy used to disappear for days; even weeks on end, but he rarely did so for very long now.

 

‘We’ve still got a bit of a way to go, yet,’ Lister told him gently. ‘It’s just gonna be like any other time me and Rimmer moved rooms. You can still hang out here – it’s like it always was – it will be our home, just it’s also gonna have a little nursery area for the baby when it comes.’

 

‘It gets its own area in there, too?! Where? And where’s  _my_ area?’

 

‘Well... what difference does it make? You usually just sit where you like, don’t you?’

 

‘Maybe I won’t _want_ to if you and H Face might be screwing with each other.’

 

‘Fine then,’ said Lister, shrugging as he turned back to the rail. ‘Don’t.’

 

The Cat was silent for a moment, and then said, ‘Ha! You think you can stop me from doing whatever I like – Well, give it up! I’ll be here if I want to!’ He darted out of the wardrobe, leaving Lister shaking his head as he unscrewed another bolt.

 

‘Ah, Mr. Cat!’ he heard Kryten say from the other room. ‘Erm... I was just about to put fresh sheets on there, actually.’

 

‘Fine by me, buddy,’ the Cat replied. ‘You do whatever you have to do.’

 

‘Er – yes. I suppose I’ll just... make a start on these pillows, then.’

 

Lister groaned internally.

 

The Cat was testing them, he knew. Well, two could play at that game. He would soon clear off if Lister could persuade Rimmer into a good snog while he was still in the room, and if that didn’t work, Lister would just have to keep ‘pushing’ until the Cat’s resolve broke.

 

When he’d finally released all three bolts of the rail at one side, Lister moved down the small room and got to work on the other end.

 

‘Clear off, there!’ Lister heard Rimmer bark suddenly, and there was a slam as something heavy landed on the floor.

 

‘I’m sorry, man – was that, “make yourself comfortable?”’ said the Cat, and Lister could _hear_ his smirk. ‘Thanks! I _will_!’

 

‘We’re trying to get things done – why are you here? When most people move the local strays don’t usually follow them to the new place.’

 

‘Hey! Hamster Cheeks said I was welcome!’

 

‘Well, _not_ right now you aren’t!’

 

‘Oh, dear,’ came Kryten’s voice.

 

‘Where _is_ Lister?’ asked Rimmer.

 

‘Destroying a _perfectly_ good wardrobe over there,’ snarked the Cat.

 

‘Smegging hell,’ sighed Lister, frowning as he tried to line the screwdriver up with the grooves in the head of another bolt. He heard the door open.

 

‘What are you doing?!’ asked Rimmer frantically, and grabbed the loosened end of the rail. ‘Let _me_ do that.’

 

‘I’m not lifting or hauling anything – or overexerting myself,’ said Lister, flashing him a warning look. ‘I’m _just_ unscrewing two very light bits of metal, and that’s _it_ for now.’

 

‘Why? What do you need them for?’

 

‘It’s not the railings we need.’

 

Lister relayed his plan to Rimmer for the baby’s room.

 

‘That’s... sensible,’ said Rimmer, and Lister rolled his eyes. Through the door, he could hear Kryten trying to bribe the Cat off the bed with the promise of his favourite fish dish.

 

‘You don’t have to sound so _surprised,’_ he said.

 

‘But – we still have months to go. And even then the baby won’t need it for a while.’

 

‘Yes, I know,’ said Lister in a low voice as he leaned in. ‘But if we _don’t_ make use of it, I’m pretty sure someone else _might_. Trust me – if we left it empty until we needed it, next time we open that door we’ll get a snakeskin jumpsuit in the face before the rest of the clothes avalanche falls out on us.’

 

‘...I see what you mean,’ said Rimmer, nodding with a resentful glance towards the door.

 

Lister unscrewed the last bolt with a triumphant sound, and, holding the rail in one hand, dropped the bolt down to join the others in his hat where it was lying on the floor. He then carefully pulled the rail away from the wall. He raised an eyebrow when he saw Rimmer’s hands spasming with the instinct to take the rail from him, and the hologram looked at his feet, embarrassed. Lister leant the rail against the back wall in front of the little window, and then used his foot to slide his hat over to the other side of the little room.

 

‘How’s the rest of the move going?’ he asked Rimmer knowingly.

 

‘Fine,’ said Rimmer. ‘Most of it’s here now.’

 

‘What was that you were throwing around out there?’

 

‘I _wasn’t_ throwing it around. It’s just the sofa.’

 

‘Aw, you mean I missed that?’

 

Rimmer blushed.

 

‘I could... lift it again if you want me to?’ he asked.

 

Lister winked at him.

 

‘You know I like watching you lift things, and crush things and... lift things.’

 

‘Hm. If I didn’t know any better I’d say that’s why you were such an annoying sod before I left.’

 

Lister grinned, and Rimmer’s eyebrows rose.

 

‘You really are just a little tart, aren’t you?’ said Rimmer fondly, moving in to slide his arms around Lister’s middle.

 

‘It’s not like I really understood _why_ I wanted to see you do those things. Well – maybe a _bit_.’

 

Rimmer bent his head down to run his lips across the smooth skin on Lister’s neck, and Lister nuzzled into the touch, moving to hug him back.

 

The door swung open and they both sprang apart. Kryten was standing in the doorway, beaming at the pair of them.

 

‘Sirs!’ he exclaimed. ‘I think I’ve managed to persuade Mr. Cat into vacating the premises for now – your bed is all made up, if you needed it?’

 

‘What’s _that_ supposed to mean?’ griped Rimmer, looking slightly mortified as he made to straighten his jacket.

 

Kryten blinked, seeming to abruptly become aware that he’d interrupted something.

 

‘Oh – well...’ he said awkwardly. ‘I just thought Mr. Lister might like a nap at some point, sir.’

 

‘That’s great, Krytes,’ said Lister quickly. ‘Thank you.’

 

‘It’s no problem, sir.’

 

‘Rimmer?’ said Lister, giving him a small nudge. ‘Did you have something to say to Kryten?’

 

He shot him a meaningful look, and Rimmer pulled a face and turned to Kryten.

 

‘Kryten... just to say – ’ said Rimmer, and took a deep breath. _‘Thank you_ for all your help with – everything. It’s very... _decent_ of you to assist us with moving and caring for Lister and the baby.’

 

Kryten nodded at him.

 

‘I can see that was very difficult for you, sir,’ he said mildly, and wrinkled his nose. ‘Heavens, even  _I’m_ uncomfortable, now.’

 

Rimmer exhaled noisily.

 

‘God, _so_ uncomfortable!’ he gasped.

 

‘No – no!’ sighed Lister. ‘Guys, this is supposed to be genuine _gratitude_.’

 

‘Mr. Lister, it’s hardly necessary to try and force some good will between myself and Mr. Rimmer,’ said Kryten cheerfully. ‘The two of us established our mutual dislike long ago, and trying to deny it is just a plain waste of everyone’s time. If anything, it just – ’ He shrugged. ‘ – violates the natural order of things!’

 

Lister stared between Kryten and Rimmer, the latter of whom just shot him one of those big, dead-eyed smiles that made Lister want to punch him.

 

‘Now, I’m going to see if I can get those sofa cushions nice and plumped!’ finished Kryten, and stomped back out into the room.

 

Lister shook his head. Rimmer was still beaming at him insipidly.

 

‘Okay,’ said Lister, pointing the thin end of the screwdriver at him, ‘but if you piss him off – you’re on your _own_.’

 

 

Later that evening, when everything had been moved into the new quarters, Lister and Rimmer lay together in an embrace beneath the covers on their new bed. Everything was very quiet after a fairly busy day, and Lister was grateful to have a room to themselves again.

 

The layout of the place was similar enough to their old quarters, but where the bunks would have been there was a double bed, and between that and the bathroom there was the walk-in wardrobe that would eventually become the baby’s room.

 

Lister settled back against Rimmer and sighed. This was _so_ much better, he thought. Bunk beds weren’t great for pregnant people or for sex and cuddling, but being able to spread out and yet come together like this was brilliant.

 

‘This is great,’ he said softly. ‘We should have done this right from the start.’

 

‘Jumped into bed together?’ replied Rimmer in amusement.

 

‘...Actually, yeah. Imagine that – any time we were mad at each other or bored; “Bed, Rimsy?” – “Yes, Listy.”’

 

‘What, and had sex as well, I suppose?’

 

‘Well, why not? Don’t you think it would have helped?’

 

‘I don’t know how many problems it would have solved... I’m sure it _would_ have been great and everything, but I couldn’t touch you back then, remember?’

 

‘We could have improvised. People are always at their most creative when they’re horny. We could have figured something out.’

 

And they had certainly spent the last few nights figuring each other out. Much of what Lister already knew of Rimmer had come in handy, but he’d forgotten that his experiences with Nano-Rimmer had been constrained by time and often a lack of space and privacy. Being together like this; no secrets or bullshit between them, meant more to him than he could put into words. Even during the nights they didn’t have sex it was incredible; being allowed to hold Rimmer, and be in his arms was heaven. Lister hadn’t realised just how _lonely_ they had both been for so long. The last few days he’d felt almost obsessed by Rimmer, and the feeling appeared to be shared. He was just so happy, and wanted to kiss and cuddle the other man all the time, and while Rimmer was sometimes a little slower on the uptake, like Lister, he seemed both fascinated and thrilled that he was even allowed to touch.

 

Lister’s eyes began to droop, and he smiled at the thought of all the events of the last week.

 

‘If we’d had sex every time we argued, we would never have left the bunkrooms,’ said Rimmer, startling him out of his haze slightly. ‘We wouldn’t have achieved much, would we? Mind you, we probably wouldn’t have lost the ‘ _Dwarf_ , either.’

 

Lister laughed tiredly, and tried to roll further in towards Rimmer, and then scowled when he remembered himself. He wished he could turn over onto his stomach, or even just remain on his back for a while. Rimmer shifted slightly, allowing Lister to hook a leg over his and settle on his side properly.

 

‘We’d never have gotten any sleep,’ said Rimmer, clearly still deep in thought at Lister’s idea.

 

Lister yawned. ‘Who needs _sleep_?’ he asked through it, and closed his eyes.

 

‘I think you do, Listy.’

 

‘ _No_. We should do it. Now.’

 

‘Oh? Are you going to show me your moves tonight, then?’

 

‘You can just... get on top... and – and do what you like. I’m ready and – r-raring to go, babe.’

 

The last thing Lister heard before he fell asleep was Rimmer chuckling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone! Hope you all have a wonderful start to 2019! <3


	14. The Extended Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister and Kryten continue getting the living quarters baby-ready, and Rimmer returns from an important trip with a message for Lister.

 

A few weeks later, Kryten was helping Lister set up the container they’d been working on in the new quarters. They’d attached legs to the base so that it was elevated about a foot off the floor, and Lister had finished filing down all the sharp or ratty edges. The day before, Kryten had cut up a large foam mattress into smaller sections to pad out the inner walls, while Lister had sewn what felt like miles of fabric from old bed sheets, which now lined the container and extended long enough to drape over all four sides. All the ugly, grey plastic and JMC logos were now concealed by white cotton.

 

Lister was now working on making a cover for the last piece of foam that would be the baby’s mattress. At thirty-two weeks, his belly jutted out alarmingly over his thighs, and he had to make room for it by resting most of his sewing on top of the buldge. He'd finally reached that stage where it felt as though his bump was just in the way of eating, sleeping, walking, sex...  _everything_. It was now basically a shelf that obscured his own view of his genitals, legs and feet. He knew he wasn’t as nearly big as he had been with the twins, but still he was itching to get this over with and just do the parenting thing now. However, that wasn’t all of the time.

 

As the weeks passed by, every day he ticked off on the little calendar by the bed began to feel like a countdown; sometimes to something wonderful, but at other times Lister dreaded striking off another start to a new week. As the date for his operation drew closer, so did his mounting fear that all of this was going to end in disaster.

 

Lister finished off his stitching and held the little mattress up. He’d done all the other seams on the sewing machine, but trying to get the last one closed around the foam had been too irritating. He could hardly sit behind the table now, let alone lean down to complete an awkward section, and to prevent himself from just losing it and throwing the machine onto the floor, he’d taken the mattress over to the sofa to finish it by hand. He’d become quite good, probably because of all that time trapped on _Starbug_ with a very limited wardrobe. You didn’t tend to notice a skill developing so much when you relied on it.

 

It looked good, thought Lister, turning the covered foam over in his hands to examine it. Now he just needed to make little fitted sheets for the bed, and the cot would be ready.

 

Kryten was packing up all the leftover bits of foam and threads from the table, whistling merrily as he went along. Lister didn’t even have the state of mind to be annoyed. He was just too troubled.

 

It wasn’t that things were so awful. Rimmer had been pretty great, all things considered. Their relationship was still great; the dynamic better than it ever had been, even if they hadn’t been romantically or physically involved. However, Lister knew Rimmer was not-so-secretly terrified, as well. All the guy’s neuroses and irritations were currently being foisted off onto Holly, Kryten and the Cat, instead, but Kryten seemed almost permanently chipper these days, brushing Rimmer’s moods off as ‘new father nerves’. Holly no longer had much control over Rimmer’s functions, but he could still dish it out when he wanted to. And as for the Cat – well, _he_ had never paid Rimmer any mind in the first place, although he was still rather suspicious of all the changes. When he wasn’t hanging around curiously watching Lister, he was a little skittish, like today.

 

That was the thing; everyone else who was nervous was nervous because of the baby’s arrival. They didn’t seem – like Lister – to fear the possibility that there _wouldn’t_ be a baby, after all. He found it both touching and annoying that they were so _sure_.

 

Every day seemed tinged with anticipation. Their lives hadn’t really been like that for a long time. He’d almost forgotten how it felt when months used to go by and nothing would happen, nothing was _expected_ to happen; how they’d had to improvise to keep themselves entertained or distracted from their plight. And that, too, gave him more doubts. Even if he could keep this child, was it right? Was it fair to bring a person into their small, unstable, hopeless world? All Lister’s fears were clouding his mind, swirling around, and today was so much worse... because Rimmer wasn’t there.

 

Last week, during a minor argument, Lister had finally admitted his fears to Rimmer.

 

‘If this baby’s like Jim and Bexley – ’ he’d said, and put a hand up when Rimmer opened his mouth to protest. ‘ – _If_ it is – then we’ll need to ask Deb and Arlene if they can take it in again. I don’t want it to happen, but we’ve got to accept there’s a chance it’s gonna be like last time.’

 

‘...You’re really afraid of this, aren’t you?’ Rimmer had replied, looking surprised.

 

Yes, thought Lister now, as Kryten plodded by humming a bouncy little tune. Yes, he _was_ afraid.

 

That morning, Kryten, Rimmer and Holly had set up the old Holly Hop Drive in _Starbug_. They had good reason to be wary of it. Since the first couple of times they’d used it, the drive had become more and more unstable. Holly himself was even less on top of things than he had been when he’d designed it, and with the threat of the gateways between their universes collapsing, on the rare occasion they _did_ visit Deb and Arlene, they had always made it a short trip. The last time they’d done so had been six years ago. Too long.

 

Lister yearned to see his sons desperately, but he was just too afraid to set foot in another dimension or universe. There was too much risk that it might interfere with the pregnancy in some way, or with the baby’s development. And so, with a heavy heart, he’d sent Rimmer off in _Starbug_ with the Holly-watch, some photos, a video message for Deb, and one for the boys along with two (very) belated birthday cards.

 

The twins would probably never be able to return to their universe, and although it pained Lister, the memory of Rimmer describing Bexley’s death in that future echo was still fresh in his mind. That was something that had never really added up, but Lister was determined to keep it that way. When they’d brought the twins over to Deb’s universe, he’d described that future echo in as much detail as he could, and pleaded with her to keep both boys away from malfunctioning navicomps.

 

Lister was jerked out of his thoughts by Kryten giving him a small touch on the shoulder.

 

‘They’re back, sir,’ said Kryten, looking down at him with slight concern.  

 

Lister’s heart leapt as he sat up, and was relieved when Holly reappeared on the main screen and confirmed that he and Rimmer had returned safely. When Rimmer walked in a few minutes later, Lister shoved the little mattress to the side and hauled himself off the sofa, waddling over to him as fast as he could.

 

Rimmer looked rather stressed, as he tended to whenever someone had been winding him up, whether intentionally or not. However, when Lister reached him, he immediately put a hand on his shoulder.

 

‘You okay?’ Lister asked him.

 

‘I’m fine,’ said Rimmer. ‘And they’re all doing well.’

 

‘I’ll just go and put this in the trash, sir,’ called Kryten, marching out with a big sack of rubbish from their work.

 

Rimmer reached into his pocket to produce a small disc. ‘They’ve left you a message,’ he said to Lister.

 

Lister nodded, and grabbed Rimmer’s hand to lead them over to the sofa. Lister let him go to carefully sit down, and Rimmer put the disc into the player. He noticed Rimmer putting down a large, green rucksack on the floor by the sofa, and opened his mouth to ask about it when Rimmer spoke first.

 

‘ – Do you want me to stay for this?’ he asked uncertainly.

 

‘’Course I do,’ said Lister, patting the seat beside him expectantly.

 

Rimmer nodded, and sat down.

 

The screen in front of them switched on, and then there was the image of a sofa, not unlike the one they were sitting on now. Deb’s face appeared. She looked good; wearing a leather vest and a not-too-shabby white shirt under it.

 

 _‘You crazy smegger!’_ she said laughingly to the camera. _‘And you seemed dead set against having babies the first time round!’_

Lister bit his lip, and Rimmer put an arm around him as they moved closer together.

 

 _‘I’d ask why you’ve done this to yourself, but – it was kind of obvious when Rimsy got here.’_ A dirty grin spread across Deb’s face. _‘Hasn’t he smartened up nice, eh?’_

She winked at somewhere over the camera, and a rather self-conscious cough sounded.

 

‘I was... there when they recorded it,’ explained Rimmer awkwardly, and Lister smiled up at him before returning his attention to the screen.

 

Deb’s naughty look had relaxed into something more genuine and affectionate.

_‘Dave – First, thanks for your message,’_ she said. _‘Listen, I’ve done a lot of growing up since we last saw each other. I never really apologised to you about everything. You were right; I should have taken more responsibility when we woke up together. I didn’t really believe you would get pregnant. It just seemed too weird, you know? Thought maybe our matching genetics would cancel each other out – not get on like a house on fire. But now I can see how much everything would have messed you up.’_ She ran a hand through her hair and down along her dreads. _‘Smeg – and if I’d known you could still have babies...’_ She trailed off, shaking her head. _‘I don’t know. Maybe we could have done more to help you all round. Arnold told us about how it really happened. I’m sorry. You should have had more info to hand. I guess you didn’t think it would happen again either, eh? I know we might not see each other again for a while, so I gave Arnie some things to take back.’_

Lister glanced at Rimmer again, but was distracted by Deb continuing.

_‘And me and Arlene – we owe you one. I know you went through hell having the kids, and then having to give them up. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but – we’ve made a little family together, and we wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for you. So, thank you.’_ Deb’s gaze moved out of shot, and she grinned again. _‘Speaking of – there’s two guys here who’d like to say hello.’_

Lister inhaled shakily as suddenly two new faces appeared on either side of Deb’s. Jim’s build was a little longer and taller; his features closer to Deb’s, while Bexley was the spitting image of him.

 

 _‘Hi, Dad,’_ said two voices in unison; two big smiles and two pairs of dark eyes looking at him. They were grown up, of course, but he was _sure_ they looked younger than they had when he’d last seen them. They looked more like teenagers, not twenty-somethings.

 

‘They’re both so handsome!’ laughed Lister, and Rimmer squeezed him gently.

 

Deb stood up, her hands remaining in frame for a moment as she ruffled both boys’ hair before moving off, leaving Jim and Bexley to it.

 

 _‘Thanks for the cards,’_ said Jim. _‘We hope you had a good birthday, as well... now you know when it really is. We were sorry to hear about the oroborous thing. I know David’s you, but he’s also our brother, I suppose?’_ He looked between himself and Bexley.

_‘That was insane,’_ Bexley piped up, still patting his hair down. _‘We don’t blame you for not wanting to come here with this baby. But we miss you, anyway. We’re gonna try to come visit you one day.’_

Lister shook his head fearfully.

 

 _‘We’re gonna find a way, Dad,’_ said Jim, as if he knew what Lister was doing. _‘Even if it’s only for a short while – Don’t want to leave Mum on her own – she’ll probably lose the ship or something.’_

_‘Cheeky little goit,’_ came Deb’s voice. _‘Tell him about your work, guys.’_

_‘Oh, I’m studying engineering!’_ said Bexley eagerly.

 

Jim snorted. _‘You’re not actually_ studying  _it yet, Bex,’_ he said to his twin.

 

 _‘I’m going to, though. The problem is we’re listed as eight years old on the ship’s files... which I suppose we kind of are, but it’s still annoying.’_ Bexley shrugged. _‘At least we have plenty of time to revise.’_

_‘Yeah.’_ Jim looked a bit embarrassed, then. _‘I’m into engineering, too. But I don’t know if I’ll take an exam...’_ He looked towards where Deb’s voice had come from, maybe for reassurance, and then he continued. _‘I like drawing... I dunno if I’d call myself artistic, but I like design; architecture – that kind of thing. Anyway, as Bex says, I guess I have a while to figure it out.’_ The boy worried at his bottom lip with his teeth distractedly, the same way that Lister did when he was nervous. _‘Oh - you might have noticed we look younger. We found this universe where everything runs backwards. Uncle Arnold said you encountered the same a few years back?’_ Jim peered over, probably to get confirmation from Rimmer. He then nodded, and looked back at the camera. _‘We decided to stay there for a few years, see? Hilly said in your universe our bodies were just running on a different timeline to yours, so I guess somewhere there’s a dimension where we didn’t grow up fast and you taught us to walk and talk – ’_

_‘And read and write,’_ Bexley cut in, nodding.

 

Jim looked at him with a frown. _‘I was talking, git,’_ he said.

 

Lister swallowed as his eyes began to water.

 

 _‘Were you?’_ said Bexley innocently, and then took over speaking. _‘So, that’s why we didn’t just grow into giant babies or something totally mental when you last saw us. But when we came here it was like that started slowing down or reversing or something. We still looked grown up, but suddenly our personalities were more like teenagers again. So when we found the backwards universe we decided to stay a few years, for our bodies to de-age a bit. And that evened us out a lot. Well, not really. Teenagers, you know? But we’ve given ourselves a few more years, maybe. And we’re growing fine now – normally, I think, thank the smeg. It took a lot of getting used to – the backwards thing. But it was nice, seeing Earth and looking at all this old technology.’_ He sniggered. _‘Ma used to get all funny about us staying out late, even though any trouble we got into was gonna be reversed anyway. I swear, it was like you never drank that drink, or kissed anyone, or smoked that – Ow!’_

Jim had elbowed him. Bexley seemed to realise he’d said too much and folded his arms across his chest uncomfortably, and Jim rolled his eyes.

_‘We miss you, Dad,’_ said Jim, somewhat shyly. _‘We know you can’t come here right now, but we’re really excited about the new baby.’_

_‘I_ knew  _it would be Uncle Arnold’s,’_ said Bexley, nodding with a mischievous look in his eye.

_‘Let us know as soon as you can when it’s born. And if you still can’t come here we want to see photos!’_

_‘We have to wrap this up now, sorry. Uncle Arnold has to get back to you and our new brother or sister. Wish we could hug you. You look great in the photos you sent. We_ do  _remember you, and we think about you every day. And Uncle Arnold and the Cat and Kryten. Holly, as well – a bit. We’ll watch the video you sent us!’_

The boys looked at each other and smiled rather sadly, before turning to wave at the camera.

 

 _‘Love you, Dad,’_ said Jim.

_‘Yeah, love you!’_ called Bexley.

 

The boys moved off, still ducking down to wave, blowing kisses and making silly little heart-shapes with their hands.

 

By the time Deb reappeared on screen, Lister was wiping at his wet cheeks. This time, she was joined by Arlene. Arlene was looking pretty great, too; in her shimmering blue tunic, and her rather stiff expression belied by one eyebrow cocked in that suggestive way it had been the last time there had been _men_ around her.

 

‘Are they – ?’ Lister asked Rimmer, gesturing between the two of them.

 

‘Oh, yes,’ replied Rimmer quietly.

 

 _‘Say hello, Nee,’_ said Deb, nodding in the direction of the camera.

 

 _‘ – David,’_ said Arlene brashly. _‘Congratulations. I’m glad to see old Arnie took the advice I gave him last time.’_

Rimmer snorted.

 

Deb sat up. _‘Seriously though, boy,’_ she said. _‘If there’s anything you guys need, anything at all – come find us. But... I’m afraid to have to tell you that you’re_ not  _landing another kid on us, Dave. You know why?’_ Lister was stunned, but curious as she leaned in slightly, her face and voice softening. _‘Because I think everything’s gonna be fine.’_

At that, Arlene gave another nod, accompanied with a friendly smile. _‘Sounds like your mechanoid’s rather confident on this one,’_ she said.

_‘As the boys say, we want to see a photo of the little’un when it comes. And it_ is  _going to be all right. So stay safe, listen to Kryten, and enjoy it. Having a family’s the best thing that happened to us. It’ll be the same for you. Wish you all the best, dude.’_

_‘Goodbye, Dave,’_ said Arlene, with a little wave. _‘Look after yourself.’_

There were quick footsteps, and then the twins’ heads and arms appeared in frame again, waving and grinning madly at him.

 

_‘Bye Dad!’_

_‘Bye, bye!’_

The screen went black.

 

Rimmer rubbed Lister’s shoulder as he drew closer. ‘Are you all right?’ he asked.

‘Yeah,’ said Lister, sniffing. ‘They look good. They all look _really_ good.’

 

‘They are.’

 

Lister wiped his eyes on his sleeve. ‘...What was the advice Arlene gave you?’

 

‘Hardly “advice,”’ he snapped. ‘All she did was make a lude suggestion that was based off some perverse desire to see a bit of man-on-man action.’

 

‘Perverse, eh?’ said Lister, knowingly.

 

‘I mean – it’s none of her _business_ , is what I meant.’

 

‘Did she behave herself this time?’

 

‘She did. She’s hard-light now, so I suppose they can have a full relationship, like us. But I know she’d still like to catch you and me in a sweaty, orgasmic clinch.’

 

‘...Hm, not sending her a tape of _that_ over.’

 

‘No way.’

‘So – they’re raising the boys together, then?’

 

Rimmer nodded. ‘When Jim said “Ma,” I think he was talking about Arlene, not Deb.’

 

‘She _would_ be the overprotective parent,’ said Lister, rolling his eyes. ‘Probably warning the boys about girls who are exactly like she used to be.’ He shook his head, smiling at Rimmer. ‘Thank you for doing that.’

 

Rimmer gave him a tight but affectionate smile in response, and then looked around the quarters.

 

‘ – Oh!’ he said, looking rather frightened when he saw the modified container.

 

Lister understood. Even lacking the frilly quality that most baby furniture came with, now that the container had all its sides covered in the white fabric, it looked _exactly_ like what it was intended to be; a crib.

 

‘It’ll do until the baby’s big enough to start trying to pull itself out,’ he said softly.

 

They hadn’t been quite so prepared for Jim and Bexley’s arrival. He suppose he’d felt rather stung by the whole situation, and for a long while had almost refused to process what he’d gotten himself into. He’d set up Rimmer’s bunk by securing a panel over the side so that the babies wouldn’t fall out, and Rimmer had, surprisingly, agreed to move out into the quarters further along; the room with the twin beds he’d shared with his double all those years ago.

 

 ‘It looks – good,’ Rimmer choked out. ‘Well done, Dave.’

 

Lister smiled. They’d been trying out calling each other by their first names a bit more. It was nice, although ‘Dave’ remained something rather special between them. He was quite happy with ‘Listy’, most of the time.

 

‘I think it looks like a grown-up’s home,’ he said, and Rimmer reached for his hand.

 

They stared into each other’s eyes for a moment, only to be startled out of the daze by a great roaring noise.

 

Kryten had returned, and was vacuuming the thread-strewn floor using his groinal attachment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone's having a good New Year, and that you enjoy this part!


	15. The Supplies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys have a look through the things Deb gave them, Lister and Rimmer face up to the realities of childrearing, and discuss their fears.

 

By the time Kryten had finished vacuuming, Lister and Rimmer had relocated to the bed. Lister lay back against the pillows on his side, while Rimmer perched on the edge on the other, and the rucksack he’d brought back with him sat between them on the bed. There was a little note tucked beneath the covering flap, which Rimmer plucked off and squinted at.

 

He said, ‘She says that they came across a de-re... _derelict_ – with a mat... mah-? Oh, _maternity_ bay a few years back. ...Th-thought – ’ He shook his head. ‘Blimey, her writing’s atrocious. She thought you should take everything they found.’

 

‘Oh, that _is_ good news!’ exclaimed Kryten, still detaching the vacuum cleaner from himself.

 

Lister’s eyebrows shot up and he eagerly began unfastening the ties on the bag. They had a small number of baby items, including Jim and Bexley’s old dummies and bottles, but it was by no means an infinite selection. All ships were required to carry even the most basic of infant supplies in case of emergencies, but any ‘surprises’ on _Red Dwarf_ during its working days would have been ideally transferred with the parent (or both parents) to the next cruiser they met.

 

Once he had the rucksack open, Lister reached in and found something big, square and covered in padded fabric. He pulled it out, and undid the zipper that sealed three of the four sides so that the pack opened up like a book.

 

‘What’s all that?’ asked Rimmer, mystified.

 

‘I’m pretty sure _this_ is a breast pump,’ said Lister, pointing to the bottle and attached nozzle. He caught sight of Rimmer’s wide-eyed stare. ‘ – For breastfeeding, you know?’

 

‘...You’re going to do that?’

 

Lister nodded. ‘I got milk after the last time. Figured I should try it if it comes in again.’

 

‘Indeed, sir,’ said Kryten to Rimmer, holding the now-loose vacuum hose in both hands. ‘I think it highly likely that Mr. Lister will be able to feed the baby himself.’

 

Rimmer was staring between the two of them incredulously, and Lister felt a pang of mortification. Should he have told Rimmer he was planning to breastfeed earlier, he wondered? The idea irritated him slightly – he shouldn’t feel embarrassed; after all, _Rimmer_ had never had to go through any of this smeg. And it was his own body and his _choice_ to feed the baby himself if he wanted to. But he supposed it was yet another new thing for them both to get used to; another thing to make his body that bit weirder.

 

‘I thought it would be easier than preparing formula every time,’ he babbled, as Rimmer hadn’t spoken. ‘I mean – I might not be _able_ to breastfeed. I don’t even know how much I can store as I don’t really have much there, so maybe I won’t be able to. But I thought I should – ‘cause then I could – just...’ He trailed off in the middle of miming picking a baby up and bringing it to his chest.

 

He, too, was fairly confident that he _would_ start producing milk. The current swelling around his nipples was, he knew, partly down to hormones, but it was very familiar. The twins had both been big enough to walk and talk by the time his milk had started coming in, but it had flowed freely enough just when he really, really hadn’t wanted it to.

 

‘...I didn’t realise babies... required so much equipment,’ mumbled Rimmer, blinking at all the shiny plastic containers and tubes in the open pack.

 

‘I know, sir,’ chirped Kryten, surveying the collection. ‘So many things to keep clean and organised, and all to keep changing as the baby grows! I’m _so_ looking forward to it!’

 

Lister cringed as Kryten marched out, vacuum in hand, whistling again.

 

‘It seems like a lot at first,’ said Lister to Rimmer, carefully. ‘When I was having the twins I thought it would be so simple. I thought we could just stick each one in an open drawer and warm each one up some regular milk three times a day. Then Kryten came in one morning and asked me “how I intended to feed.” I thought it was his way of asking me what I wanted for lunch.’ He chuckled.

 

Rimmer was still frowning at the breast pump. ‘You had milk,’ he said curiously, almost to himself. ‘Why didn’t I know that?’

 

‘You moved,’ Lister said, ‘to the other room, don’t you remember?’

 

‘ – Right,’ said Rimmer, shifting uncomfortably.

 

Lister could see he was remembering it now; at the time their relationship had been at its worst, with Lister doing everything he could to keep him at arm’s length. A lot of his grief over the twins had come out as anger towards Rimmer. His morale had been at an all-time low, and leaking from the nipples would have provided Rimmer with ample opportunity to ridicule him, and so he’d concealed it, along with so much else to do with his pregnancy. But now, Lister wondered if he’d been too harsh in his distrust. Rimmer had been a git back then, true, but half the time, so had _he_. And being unable to touch anything must have made Rimmer feel even more useless on top of being actively blocked out of things by him. Lister found himself regretting that, especially now he knew the bloke had also been so jealous of Kryten. He knew he’d never have been in the right mindset to handle things any better than he had done after losing the twins, but he still wished things had been different somehow.

 

‘I never noticed, though,’ Rimmer added.

 

‘I padded out an old bra with tissues. It stopped after a while.’

 

‘ – I’m sorry.’

 

Lister gave him a little pat on the hand, and started rooting around in the bag again. ‘Nobody’s fault. The most awkward bit was when the Cat smelled it and kicked off because he thought I was hoarding the stuff.’ He pulled out a couple more items. He held them up. ‘I don’t know what this is – Well, _that’s_ a bottle... with – something to do with feeding again, I think. Woah, I’m pretty sure we could do the ship’s repairs with some of this stuff.’

 

He waggled the breast pump out of its holder and brought it to his chest, holding the shield over his nipple. He beamed up at Rimmer, hoping to lighten the mood. ‘I _think_ this will work,’ he said.

 

Rimmer gazed at the spectacle, still clearly terrified. ‘...Will it hurt?’ he asked.

 

‘Smegging hope not... Maybe I should listen to the breastfeeding tape tonight.’ Lister swallowed, and put his hand over Rimmer's again, squeezing encouragingly. ‘We probably won’t need to use _all_ of it, but it’s nice to know we’ve got it... whatever some of it _is_. I just want to be as prepared as possible.’

 

‘ – Yes,’ said Rimmer distractedly, as he suddenly got up and moved around the bed to head for the door.

 

‘Arn?’ Lister called after him, worried.

 

‘Just a second,’ said Rimmer, pausing at the door. ‘I’ll – I’ll be back soon.’ He left.

 

‘...Smeg,’ Lister muttered. And he’d just started to feel a bit better, too. Now Rimmer was freaked out again. _Perfect_.

 

He wasn’t sure how long he lay there, waiting. Two minutes? Five minutes? He hadn’t looked at the clock before Rimmer left. All he knew was that he was still alone. He put the feeding kits back into the bag. He didn’t want to look through the rest right now.

 

Ten minutes?

 

Maybe Rimmer had hopped straight into the fake _Wildfire_ and pissed off, he thought dejectedly. He was now at the point where he would usually have gone for a drink or five and been poked back into agonising consciousness by the skutters a few hours later. But that was _not_ an option anymore.

 

He hauled himself up and walked over to sit back on the sofa. He replayed the message from Deb and the twins. Seeing them again had brought everything back in vivid detail – of being empty-armed and distraught – and yet he couldn’t tear himself away. The message ended. He played it again. He observed every tiny detail of the boys’ faces; their movements and the pitch of each of their voices. He replayed it again.

 

Twenty minutes?

 

Lister stared at the now-blank screen staring at his hands. They didn’t look that different to how they’d used to, but he knew they’d changed. He’d had to remove all his rings, as they’d been getting just a bit too tight. He was so away with the fairies that he barely noticed Rimmer returning until something landed on the sofa beside him. He looked down at it with a frown, and then up at Rimmer.

 

‘Was beginning to think you’d scarpered,’ he said.

 

Rimmer blanched. ‘What are you talking about?’ he asked.

 

‘You looked terrified. Still do.’

 

It wasn’t a lie. Rimmer was still rather pale, but he shook his head in protest.

 

‘I – _No_ , I just went to... Look, here.’ He walked around the sofa to pick up the cloth bag he’d dropped there, and held it out. ‘I went to get these. You’re right. We need to be as prepared as possible. There’s so much I hadn’t thought of.’

 

‘The baby clothes,’ said Lister quietly, when he spotted some blue-and-white stripy material. He’d forgotten. After they’d dropped the boys off, he hadn’t wanted to look at anything that reminded him of his sons, and so he’d chucked it all into a bag and shoved it to the back of a cupboard.

 

The only place they could get baby items on the ship was a large gift store down in the mall. Again, it was a rather modest collection; as it had only really been provided with the idea that crewmembers could send them in reply to the news of a happy arrival. However, they fortunately sold a few basics, including baby grows, muslins, blankets and even some posh eco nappies as well as some toys. Before Jim and Bexley were born, Lister had stocked up on many of these items, but within minutes of the boys’ birth they’d been too big for the newborn suits, and so Kryten had quickly wrapped the babies up in two foil blankets while he and Lister tried to figure out what was going on.

 

Rimmer was watching him uncomfortably. ‘I found them before we moved the first time. I asked the skutters to clean everything out, and... well. We just left them there in the end.’

 

Lister looked at him apologetically. ‘Thanks, babe. Don’t know why I doubted you.’

 

‘Yes you do,’ griped Rimmer, his nostrils flaring.

 

Lister grinned, and fluttered his eyelashes at him. ‘Have I told you how pretty you are, lately?’

 

‘Lister – ’

 

‘How I love the way you’re running around after me and already trying to be a good daddy? It’s very, very cute.’

 

‘It won’t work – !’

 

‘And when you’re angry it reminds me of when we used to hate each other, and when you got so mad you’d storm off and I’d get into your bunk and touch meself.’

 

Rimmer stared. ‘You _didn’t_ ,’ he whispered.

 

‘ – No, I didn’t. But I woulda done if I’d felt the way I do now.’

 

Rimmer narrowed his eyes at him, but a smirk was pulling at his lips.

 

‘You’re ridiculous,’ he said, and deflated again. ‘I know you think I’m about to cave any day soon. All right, _maybe_ you’ll find me cowering under the table at some point, but I’m not _going_ anywhere.’

 

‘Thank you,’ said Lister seriously. ‘I’m sorry. I know you’re not thinking of leaving. I’m just really sensitive right now. And it’s not like I’m blaming you for freaking, you know? I’m scared, too.’

 

‘Of the baby having to go? And I’m not _freaking_.’

 

‘Of  _everything_.’

 

‘That’s not like you. You’ve always been the brave one. I’ve seen you eat things that would choke a pig.’

 

Lister shook his head and pulled the bag closer to himself to make space on the sofa.

 

‘Come sit down, babe.’

 

Rimmer did so, sighing thoughtfully as he finally took a seat.

 

‘I think we should talk about it,’ said Lister, and Rimmer groaned.

 

‘Listy, I’m not upset. I’m just... nervous, as well.’

 

‘I know. That’s what I think we should talk about.’

 

The baby kicked then, which Rimmer noticed, and he pressed a hand to Lister’s bump fondly.

 

‘Op! Look who knows Daddy and Daddy are getting serious,’ said Lister laughingly to his bump.

 

‘It’s such a strong kick,’ marvelled Rimmer.

 

‘Tell me about it. Anyway... look. I know we go over this a lot. Being a new parent is scary, yeah? But – I want to know if there’s anything in particular that’s worrying you. You bottle in a lot. I mean, so do _I_ – but you’re the king of _that_ castle, I’m sure you’d agree.’

 

The baby kicked again, and Rimmer rubbed his palm over the movements.

 

‘You were right about me,’ he said finally. ‘I want to be a good father. I want to help you now, and I want to help you when the baby comes. But I have no idea what a good father is. I have no frame of reference – that I’d _want_ to refer to. Maybe when the kid’s small I’ll be okay, but what about when it’s older?’

 

‘What? What are you worried about?’

 

Rimmer sat up as he thumbed over Lister’s belly. ‘I don’t know if my father really wanted _children_ , or more a little troop of his own to shape and command. And as for my mother... I used to think all women wanted babies, but now I think of it she was never exactly _affectionate_ , even towards my brothers when she was pleased with them. In fact, I doubt things between my parents were ever like they are between us. I have no memory of what they were like when I was really small. I can’t even imagine either of them _holding_ a baby. I’m not sure if having four of us was deliberate on their part, or if we just came along.’

 

Lister listened attentively, wondering where this was going.

 

Rimmer continuted, ‘I suppose it worries me, because... Do you just forget when you become a parent; all the hurts and struggles you went through with your own? The humiliation and the fear?’

 

‘Probably a bit, yeah,’ said Lister. ‘But your upbring was – something _else_ , Rimmer. You won’t be like them.’

 

‘How do you know that? I’m not caring or sweet.’

 

‘You’re sweet with _me_. Sometimes.’

 

‘But I wasn’t always. I’ve never even held a baby, or been around a child since I was one myself.’

 

‘Arn, you’re not gonna just – flip one day. Okay, so you’re not Mr. Warm-and-Fuzzy, but you’re pretty in touch with your emotions... all things considering. And anyway, only a bit of parenting comes naturally – ’

 

‘ – The rest is learned. I heard the tape.’

 

‘Well, it’s true, you know? We can’t be perfect, so forget about it. You can only try your best. And you will.’ At Rimmer’s unconvinced look he covered his hand with his own. ‘Look, what do you think your parents wanted for you?’

 

Rimmer looked frightened of the question. He _looked_ like a child in that moment.

 

‘...Well, to be the best,’ he said. ‘To be a leader, succeed in all areas and uphold the family honour.’ His posture drooped slightly. ‘Obviously, that – didn’t happen.’

 

‘Now what do you want for your own kid?’

 

‘ – I... Well. I’ll be honest, I _would_ like them to do well. But... I think the last thing I want is for them to be scared of me or – or resent me. And I definitely don’t want them to be like _me_.’

 

Lister’s gaze softened. That was it, he realised. That was what Rimmer was really afraid of; that the baby wouldn’t take to him, or that it would be like him.

 

 ‘ _I_ want them to be like you,’ he said, and Rimmer snorted.

 

‘You don’t have to lie.’

 

‘I’m _not_.’

 

‘You don’t want them to be all uptight and cowardly.’

 

‘No. I want them to have your attention to detail, and to be _careful_ like you are instead of just walking straight into danger. The Reggie Wilson stuff I could give a miss... but wouldn’t you like to share some things in common with your kid?’

 

‘Well – yes, but... what if they just can’t stand me? None of my family ever could.’

 

‘Forget about your family. They were a bunch of smegheads. Our kid will _love_ you. Like I do.’

 

Rimmer hesitated, clearly surprised by the declaration. Lister raised his other hand and cupped Rimmer’s cheek, thumbing gently at the skin there.

 

‘I suppose...’ said Rimmer, leaning into the touch. ‘I’d like them to be happy, the most. But I was never happy.’

 

Lister nodded forlornly, and moved his hand to the back of Rimmer’s neck, pulling slightly to encourage him closer. Rimmer shifted around and moved in for a kiss.

 

‘Don’t think I’m not scared, too,’ said Lister when they broke apart after a moment. ‘Even if everything’s okay with the baby, I’m worried about how I’ll do with this. We won’t have control over everything. But the thing is? We never have done, have we?’

 

‘...No,’ admitted Rimmer.

 

‘I have no idea who this person is,’ said Lister, squeezing Rimmer’s hand to press a little more firmly over the bump. ‘But I’m gonna do everything I can to give them a good start in life. And you will, too. And if you don’t, I’ll twot you.’

 

Rimmer smiled.

 

‘I’d like to see you try, you goit,’ he said, and leaned in to kiss him again.

 

Something squeaked, and Lister looked down to see the bag of baby clothes getting squashed between them.

 

‘You know, I never got a good look at these,’ said Lister, dislodging Rimmer’s hand on his belly as he pulled the bag out and rifling around inside it.

 

Rimmer looked vaguely disappointed at being interrupted, but Lister was suddenly too preoccupied. He opened a sealed packet of five babygrows, and held up one of them.

 

‘Oh, that’s actually kind of sad,’ he said.

 

The little suit had the JMC logo splayed across the chest.

 

‘Well, it’s the company that made it,’ said Rimmer, shrugging.

 

‘Yeah, but _JMC_ ,’ said Lister. ‘That’s like getting a hat with ‘Liverpool Water Supply’ on it. _Thrilling_. Still – saves me having to knit all the little’un’s clothes. Cheers, JMC!’ He fished out more things. Tiny body suits and socks, little booties and hats. ‘Okay, this is actually really sweet.’ He held up a newborn’s sleeper suit.

 

‘That’s ridiculous,’ said Rimmer, sounding daunted again. ‘Nothing’s _that_ size.’

 

‘It’s a small baby. But I’m not worried about when it’s tiny. It’s _shoes_ that I’m not sure about. They were always a pain in the arse to get hold of when I was growing up. Don’t want to have to put the kid in plastic bags for its first few years.’

 

‘I’m sure the tailors can make some decent children’s clothes,’ said Rimmer, as if he was being silly.

 

‘Oh, yeah,’ said Lister, blinking at him. ‘I didn’t think of that.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, yes - more conversation for you today! Hope it's interesting enough still. Thanks so much to everyone who's still reading, kudos and commenting. It's deeply appreciated and gives me LIFE. <3


	16. The Birth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day of Lister’s operation comes around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Yes, a baby is going to be born in this chapter, via cesarean. Now, I have a very limited medical knowledge, and there's really not much gory detail here, but if anyone has big problems with this kind of thing it could potentially be a bit unsettling? I always think it's worth warning, but as I've said, there's very little in the way of us knowing exactly what's going on. Also, I might be a bit lazy and wave away any medical knowledge mistakes as just 'they're in the future/space science', if I may. Hope you guys enjoy!

‘Are they hurting?’

 

Lister glanced up at Rimmer, and then shook his head as he moved his hand from his right nipple to the left. They were lying in their bed together, side by side beneath the duvet. Lister had been massaging at his chest for the last few minutes, alternating between each side as he struggled through an article in a faded parenting magazine.

 

‘I’m trying to get my milk going,’ he explained distractedly.

 

‘...When is it meant to come?’

 

‘Well – it can start before the birth, but I won’t actually go into labour. It started about a day after my operation, last time.’

 

He swallowed as he finished speaking. His operation was tomorrow. They were to become parents _tomorrow_ , and he knew he was really just distracting himself at this rate. The words seemed to be slipping all over the lamenated page in his hands, and somehow he didn’t think that a three-sided argument on when babies developed a sense of morality would assist him during the operation. It was at times like this he sort of wished he was religious. Praying would at least have given him something to do; something other than the birth to focus on.

 

‘I don’t want to do it,’ he said, and heaved a sigh. At the look Rimmer gave him, he stopped rubbing his chest and let his hand fall onto the duvet. ‘I’m huge and I’m tired and uncomfortable... and I want to be a dad more than anything now, but I still don’t want to go through with it. I mean, I know I’m lucky. Without Kryten I might just have had to go into labour and maybe die in agony or... or be damaged for life or something. I just wish we _knew_ everything’s gonna be okay.’

 

Rimmer was still watching him; his eyes very big and oddly shiny. He looked like an advert from the 1950s in his pale blue, starched pyjamas, and his neat hair not yet ruffled from a night’s sleep. He had the covers pulled up to his chest, and his big copy of _Twentieth Century Telegraph Poles:_ _A Towering Tale_ resting in his hands, but Lister knew he’d tucked a couple of leaflets on infant care between the pages. He seemed a little tense. They’d both been tiptoeing around each other all day, but not because they expected a fight.

 

Lister knew that Rimmer was afraid of upsetting him, which seemed laughable given that their relationship had once basically consisted of winding the other up, and the hologram in particular always relished in his own cruelty. The only thing their association had had going for it in the early days was that they’d nearly always been completely honest with each other. Brutally, offensively honest. But now things were different. They were in love, and part of a family; a family to expand by one tomorrow. The atmosphere between them, while vastly improved, still required more care now. Lister didn’t exactly want to lose their truthfulness, but he could admit that both of them had needed to be drastically less unkind to each other, and more supportive and affectionate instead. In hindsight, they were really doing very well, especially Rimmer. Lister caught him hesitating sometimes, maybe biting back a cutting remark, or even a compliment that he was feeling too shy to express. It wasn’t that things were bad between them – they were still great. But the anticipated arrival of the baby had obviously stoked both of them to try and shift their dynamic into something softer and friendlier. More open. And he was glad; if in a few years’ time the pair of them were still griping at each other the way they used to, their kid might think they hated each other. Things would probably always be somewhat fiery between them, but as long as they tried to approach everything as a unit he thought they might be okay.

 

‘Listy,’ said Rimmer, trying to sound like his usual patronising self, but Lister could practically hear the care he was taking. ‘Kryten has said from the beginning that there should be no problems this time.’

 

‘Yeah, he _thinks_ that,’ Lister replied, sitting up as best he could. ‘But how can he be really sure? I’m a man! This isn’t supposed to be possible.’

 

‘But, your body...’ Rimmer began awkwardly, ‘you’ve adapted for this.’

 

‘But how much? It was so crazy how me body just... _changed_ like that. I mean – did it change when we arrived in Deb’s universe? Or when we slept together? Sometimes I just wish I knew how it all works, and then I could be _sure_.’

 

Rimmer’s face dropped into something more forlorn as Lister continued.

 

‘Everything seems to be working fine and I know what Kryten and Holly and everyone’s said, but – I suppose no one can be completely sure when they’re pregnant. It’s not a certified thing, is it? Like life. There’s no guarantee. I just feel like such a freak sometimes.’

 

‘Well... maybe it’s not entirely a freakish thing.’

 

Lister raised an eyebrow at him.

 

‘Entirely?’ he repeated.

 

‘Maybe it was like in that film we saw? When that smug git talks about how life always finds a way?’

 

‘ _Jurassic Park_?’

 

‘That’s it. You’re the last of the human race – Deb’s the last in her universe... maybe nature willed this?’

 

‘Well then, nature’s a right joker. Me Nan used to say that all the time. “Nature’s a joker, son.” Now I know _why_.’

 

They both fell into silence again. Rimmer placed the book down over his stomach, pages first.

 

‘Perhaps we could think about moving there,’ he said after a moment.

 

‘Huh?’ asked Lister, turning his head towards him.

 

‘If the baby can’t grow up here, maybe we should see if there’s a way to just stay in Deb and Arlene’s universe. It’s not as though the girls would refuse to house us.’

 

Lister smiled softly. ‘I asked Holly about that. After the boys. He said it would all rely on whether the Drive wouldn’t blow up if we stayed too long and vaporise us, or something.’

 

‘Well, I’ll tell that 2D, bald-headed moron he’d better double-check that! He built the blasted thing, why can’t he upgrade it, or just build a better one?’

 

‘He was trying to _help_. He meant it to get us back to Earth, remember? It was kind of an accident how he came up with it in the first place.’

 

Rimmer shook his head in exasperation.

 

‘Maybe I’m just not s’posed to have kids,’ muttered Lister darkly.

 

There was a pause, and then the covers shifted slightly as Rimmer moved closer, sliding an arm behind Lister’s shoulders.

 

‘Look – I’ll be there with you,’ he said, as Lister’s head settled against his shoulder. ‘You’ve had a hard time... with all your children. It’s understandable that you – but this is the first time you don’t have some sort of extra relation to the baby. Whatever happens... I’ll be there.’

 

 

Lister only managed a few hours of sleep before Rimmer was helping him up and out of bed. When he was standing, he moved as fast as he could into the bathroom, feeling guilty as he shut the door on Rimmer. But he needed to focus; needed to just go through the motions or he’d falter.

 

There were a number of preparations that he’d talked over with Kryten, and he’d laid out everything ready the day before.

 

In the shower, he shaved off a line of pubic hair, exposing his old scar, and he paused beneath the spray to run a finger along it. He then removed the hair that started above the scar and up to where it led to his bellybutton. He didn’t know if doing so would assist Kryten any further, but at least it looked less peculiar that way.

 

When he was dressed and ready, he opened the door to find Rimmer standing there in his usual blue outfit with the bag full of everything they needed. He nodded at him and they set off into the corridor, hand in hand.

 

The ship was quiet, their footsteps seeming to echo thoughout all six miles of deserted rooms and halls. Lister could feel Rimmer glancing at him as they walked, and he kept his own gaze ahead for fear of losing it and running straight back to their quarters.

 

The Medi-bay doors were open when they arrived, and Lister stopped in his tracks, staring at the entrance. He let Rimmer’s hand fall from his grip. This was all so familiar. They were on a different floor, of course. But it was similar enough.

 

‘Lister?’ he heard Rimmer asking, sounding concerned.

 

He closed his eyes.

 

He didn’t want this. He didn’t want his baby taken out of him. Sure, he was tired, uncomfortable, moody and rotund, but inside him the baby was normal and kicking happily. Inside him, the baby was _safe_.

 

‘Listy?’ A hand came to rest on his shoulder.

 

He didn’t want to go in there. He knew what happened next. _This_ was where things went wrong.

 

‘It’s okay.’

 

Lister opened his eyes. Rimmer was standing in front of him, looking terrified and still clutching the bag awkwardly in one hand. Still there.

 

There was a difference, of course. He had Rimmer there this time. And he wanted him there.

 

He nodded, and he took another few, tentative, rather precarious steps until he crossed the threshold, Rimmer right behind him. He blinked, taking in the sight of the well-equipped Medi-bay, primed for the occasion. He felt rather sick.

 

‘Ah, sirs!’ came Kryten’s voice, and he bustled into view. He was looking very familiar, too, with his surgical apron, and gloves pulled right up to the elbows. ‘We’re just about ready in here, if you are?’

 

Much of the operation, Lister knew, would be done by the Medi-bot, but Kryten would be responsible for plenty. He trusted him, of course. There had been nothing wrong with the twins'  _delivery_ , after all.

 

‘It’s no big deal – just the birth of my fourth child,’ he thought. ‘I can deal with this.’

 

Rimmer helped him strip off the loose shorts and T-shirt, and then into the thin hospital gown. Lastly, Lister pulled the stupid-looking hairnet on, tucking his dreads up into it a bit, and then glanced down at himself. Suddenly, the last time he’d done this wasn’t seeming all that long ago.

 

‘No trouble, sir, we’ll just take a scan to ensure everything’s in order,’ said Kryten, and waved the scanner up and down Lister.

 

Lister half-hoped that the little machine would give that sad ‘bloop’ noise that indicated he had a minor infection or something, so that they’d have to wait another day, but instead the scanner chirruped to verify that everything was, as Rimmer would say, ‘tickety-boo’.

 

‘Excellent!’ said Kryten, beaming back and forth between Lister and the small monitor on the scanner.

 

Lister gave a small nod of affirmation as Kryten moved off, hyper-aware of Rimmer hovering nearby, closely watching proceedings.

 

‘Hey!’

 

Lister looked up to see the Cat leaning in the doorway. He was wearing a deep purple suit with an array of golden accessories, and looking so wonderfully normal it made his chest hurt.

 

‘Good luck, buddy,’ he said to Lister. His voice sounded cool and casual as it always did, but his gaze was direct and, and oddly sober.

 

Lister nodded at him, unable to smile. The Cat winked at him and turned on his Cuban heel before marching out. The doors slid shut behind him, and Lister could just about make out the red light switching on outside; signalling that the operating suite was in use.

 

Bob and Madge, freshly polished and also in sterilised coverings, drifted about in the corner on the off-chance they were needed. From their restlessness, Lister could tell they were keen to be involved, and he gave them both an uneasy thumbs-up, which they both – somehow – returned.

 

‘Let’s do this, then,’ said Lister, and allowed Rimmer and Kryten to help him onto the operating table.

 

Lister cringed slightly as Kryten parted the opening in the gown to give him the anesthetic shot in his back, and then he was being helped into a lying position. When he was settled, the elevated top of the table was lowered, and Rimmer helped him keep the pillow in place until he was completely flat. Further down, the Medi-bot’s many arms glinted in the white light of the room.

 

‘Please just relax, sir,’ said Kryten sympathetically, patting his arm. ‘You just wait for that anesthetic to kick in, yes?’

 

Lister nodded. ‘Yeah,’ he said quietly.

 

Kryten nodded and then moved off, apparently to check the settings on the larger, overseeing scanner that would move over them as he worked. Then, almost out of nowhere, a screen of material swung around, blocking him from Lister’s view.

 

‘Whoops!’ said Kryten, steadying the screen with his clunky hands and fixing it down just beneath Lister’s chest. ‘Sorry, sir.’

 

‘S’okay,’ replied Lister, just able to catch a glimpse of Kryten’s shiny apron as he adjusted the screen. He was actually quite happy to not be able to see too much.

 

He wondered where Rimmer had gone off to, then, before he overheard a hissed voice; ‘If you screw this up, you’re dead, Kryten. You hear me? You’re _dead_.’

 

‘ _Rimmer_!’ Lister snapped, and Rimmer’s head appeared around the side of the screen.

‘Yes?’ asked Rimmer mildly.

 

‘I don’t really want Kryten to be nervous right now,’ said Lister between gritted teeth, ‘do _you_ want him to be nervous?’

 

Rimmer gulped.

 

‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I just – thought I should...’

 

‘Just come here.’

 

‘Oh, it’s Mr. Rimmer who’s nervous,’ clucked Kryten from behind the screen, as Rimmer did as he was told. ‘You’re both nervous, and there’s no need to be! Everything is in good hands, sirs!’

 

Lister grimaced. ‘No, of course _you’re_ not scared,’ he said in Kryten’s direction. ‘This is all numbers and letters to you, isn’t it? There’s a calculation for everything. A right way and a wrong way. And you know you’re gonna do it the right way.’

 

‘I don’t _know_ that, Mr. Lister. It’s just that the chances of my making a mistake are nominal, and literally about teh – ’

 

‘Can it, Metal-Brain!’ barked Rimmer.

 

‘But you haven’t heard the number, yet sir.’

 

‘I  _don’t_ want to hear the number, please, Krytes,’ Lister begged.

 

Kryten’s reply was merry, if a little baffled. ‘Very good, sir.’

 

Lister let his head flop back against the pillow, blinking up at pale lights and blue material. Finally, he moved his gaze along to look at Rimmer, who was still watching the floor sheepishly.

 

‘Oi,’ he said to him, holding a hand out. Rimmer looked down at him and quickly took it, giving it a small squeeze.

 

‘Are you all right?’ he asked, not sounding too good himself.

 

Lister managed a little smile. ‘I will be,’ he said.

 

As the minutes ticked by, Lister tried to block out as much of the sounds coming from behind the screen as possible. He’d refused to bring any music with him to listen to, so that if something was wrong he would know straight away. He now regretted it, though. He could have done with the distraction. He thought back over the last year. Things had certainly been eventful, hadn’t they? He remembered that last, quick but brilliant tumble he and Nano-Rimmer had taken together in their cell. He remembered the day he died; how much it had hurt. And then there was the pain of losing Kochanski, too. Being sick for all those weeks. Finding out he was pregnant. Telling Kryten and the Cat. Rimmer coming back. Worrying about telling him. Listening to music and laughing as the baby moved and kicked inside him, and Rimmer suggesting it was because the baby didn’t like Rastabilly Skank. Wondering what Kochanski would tell him to do. Telling Rimmer about Nano-Rimmer; about their baby. Rimmer saying he’d take responsibility for everything. Deb’s message. Jim and Bexley’s cheeky grins. Rimmer kissing him. Making love to him. They had come a long way in all that time.

 

Lister winced as he heard something whirring menacingly. The room had grown cold.

 

Rimmer placed a hand upon his shoulder, warm and firm. Lister shivered, and so he began to rub up and down his bare upper arms.

 

‘Thanks,’ murmured Lister.

 

About quarter of an hour later, when the operation was well under way, Lister was growing very uncomfortable. Despite the numbness in his lower-half, there was a kind of intermittent pressure on his belly as though it were being squashed by something very flat and very strong. He ended up asking Rimmer to tell him about one of his adventures. Rimmer seemed obliging today, and launched into a tale of when he was shepherding people off the burning wreck of _The Duchess_ as Simulants attacked. Lister listened to him gratefully, but by the time Rimmer was halfway through the story, he wasn’t sure if the guy was just humouring him or not.

 

‘Lastly, I fought off three Simulants at once with only the wristwatch and the stale baguette and at my disposal,’ said Rimmer in a clipped, offand way.

 

Lister tried to get a good look at his expression, but it was hard as Rimmer was basically upside down to him now. ‘You’re yanking my chain,’ he replied fondly.

 

‘I most certainly am _not_ , miladdo! I bluffed that the wristwatch was some kind of metal-melting, Simulant-seeking missile, and then when I ‘activated’ it, they all started cowering on the floor as though it really was hurting them. So I jammed the baguette into all three of them in quick succession before making my escape.’

 

‘Individually jammed it into them, did you? Or did you impale all three of them on the one baguette?’

 

‘ _No_. I used rough, stabbing motions. Floored all three of them – the tin morons.’

 

Half an hour.

 

When the time finally came, Lister knew about it. There was no pain exactly, but he could feel the pressing again, and his body shifted slightly on the table as Kryten and the Medi-bot tugged at him or the baby. Lister clung on to Rimmer’s arm, and Rimmer leaned down behind the table to gently embrace him, pressing kisses against his temple just under the edge of the hairnet.

 

This was it, he thought. This was where the baby was taken from his body; where it became vulnerable.

 

Kryten and the Medi-bot would occasionally start speaking in code to each other, and so it would be hard to tell if there was anything out of the ordinary yet.

 

Lister swallowed. What if everyone was wrong, and the little cot they’d made would go empty?

 

Rimmer nuzzled at his cheek then, as if he knew Lister was panicking. Perhaps his breathing had given him away, or he’d gone pale or something. He couldn’t move.

 

A small clang of metal on metal sounded.

 

Lister thought he heard somebody talking, but he just stared ahead into a mass of blue.

 

‘Lister?’

 

A piercing cry sounded, and Lister glanced up into Rimmer’s equally wide eyes. He remembered hearing Jim’s first cry, followed not too long after Bexley’s. They’d both been extremely noisy together, and he remembered how he’d held his arms out for them.

 

He wanted to ask Kryten how it looked; how the baby was doing, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to get the words out. The cries were certainly loud, but they sounded a bit different to what he’d expected; kind of wobbly, as though the baby was trembling.

 

Any minute now. Any minute now, Kryten would say, ‘Ah, oh dear. Oh, Mr. Lister, I’m afraid there’s something I did not take into account.’ As though it was his fault. As though he could have done anything to stop it from happening.

 

‘Mr. Lister?’

 

‘Dave? Listy – _look_.’

 

An armful of white towelling was being lowered onto his chest, then. Lister did a double take and glanced up at Kryten’s big, encouraging smile, before looking down at the bundle.

 

And at that moment, he realised that things were going to be different this time.

 

Jim and Bexley had already been big, and able to hold their little heads up when Kryten had presented them to Lister. Even baby David had been left in the simulator a while longer than necessary, perhaps because he and Kochanski had known his birth would mark the beginning of the end of their time with him.

 

This baby was _tiny_. He could feel how its body was still furled up, the little face scrunched in and moist, and its skin still a confusion of white, purple and pink. There was a fine covering of bloodied, dark hair on its head, curling delicately here and there across the scalp. This, Lister realised, was what a newborn was supposed to look like.

 

‘Smeg,’ he muttered, still staring at the baby in awe as he finally took the bundle in his arms.

 

Grumbling faintly, the baby blinked its eyes open, which were still dark and murky and extremely confused. Its tiny, gummy mouth opened and closed as it began to cry again; a shrill, new sound, being made by something that had clearly never done so before. It was still covered in gunk, but Lister found he didn’t give two smegs, and brought the baby as close as possible into his own warmth. He remembered his post-birth plan, and began gently pull away a bit of the towel, and then moved the baby onto his chest properly so it could smell him. He felt a wave of happiness, and at the back of his mind he wanted to maintain his caution, but it was impossible. With his child now in his arms, he was helpless.

 

‘Is – is it okay?’ he managed to ask, voice almost slurred.

 

‘Absolutely fine, sir,’ replied Kryten, and Lister could just about see him. ‘I’ve run the scanner over her, just to be sure, and there’s nothing I’m concerned about.’

 

‘ – Her?’ Rimmer asked, also bowled over, by the sound of it.

 

‘Yes, sir, it’s a girl.’

 

Lister smiled, and lifted a hand to carefully stroke the baby’s cheek, uncaring of the admittedly disgusting, white and red stuff clinging to it. He moved to touch her tiny fingers, which flexed slightly, as she made a shaky, but firm attempt to grab one of his. She gave a disgruntled sort of squeak, and he laughed.

 

I’m sorry, kid,’ he murmured softly, tucking the baby back into her towel in case she was cold. ‘Did we disturb you?’

 

His hands brushed something hard and cool, and he realised it must be the umbilical cord clamp. The baby's cries were dampening down into trembling little whimpers now, and he cuddled her as gently as he could stand to.

 

‘Oh, God, what are you doing now?!’ Rimmer was demanding behind the screen, sounding horrified.

 

‘I have to ensure all the placenta is out, Mr. Rimmer,’ came Kryten’s reply.

 

‘Right... right.’

 

‘Rimmer, come here,’ Lister called again, softer this time. Rimmer returned to his side.

 

‘Listy, she – she’s – ’ He babbled, as he gawped at Lister and the baby.

 

‘I know, man,’ he murmured, beaming stupidly at him. ‘Come say hello.’

 

Rimmer’s mouth opened and closed, and then he was leaning down again. He still looked scared, but there was eagerness in the way he reached out. His hand looked so _big_ when it rested on the baby’s towelling. She grunted into Lister’s neck, and then Rimmer offered the index finger of his other hand to her. Her own minute fingers, still rather purple, grabbed at it, and he exhaled breathily.

 

‘Oh my God,’ he said quietly.

 

Suddenly rather tired, Lister watched him process this moment, until finally they made eye contact again. Rimmer moved in, mindful of the baby, and they kissed softly. When they parted, the pair of them stared at the infant together, and listened to her making tiny warbling noises against Lister’s skin.

 

Lister held her close, and shut his eyes for a few seconds. He was, finally, a parent. And now there was so much to consider. So much responsibility.

 

Smeg, he hoped they got this right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to give a shout out to all my readers, you guys really do keep me going. The fic's not finished, we've a bit of a way to go yet I _think_. Comments and kudos give me spiritual and emotional strength <3


	17. The Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister waits for the anaesthetic to wear off as he and Rimmer bond with their daughter. Holly is introduced to the baby, and the subject of names comes up.

 

Kryten remained behind the screen while he oversaw the last of the operation; as the Medi-bot effectively knitted Lister’s flesh back together. The procedure would accelerate the healing process a fair way, but Lister knew it would still take his body a little while to adjust, and he’d have a few hours before he could walk again. Still, it was rather difficult to think about that right now, or _anything_ unpleasant. He was still completely enthralled by the baby lying on his chest. She was easily the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen in his life, gunk and all. However, when Bob and Madge rolled over to the bedside, clasping a warm, damp flannel each, Lister gratefully took both and started gently wiping away some of the mess from the baby’s face and head. She squalled a bit at the sensation, and he kissed her clean brow as he held out the soiled flannels for the skutters to take again.

 

‘Thanks, guys,’ he murmured, and they chirped in acknowledgement as they moved off again.

 

A string of little clicks sounded, and Lister looked up to see Rimmer with a camera in his hands. He grinned and looked right into it, his cheek smushed lightly against the baby’s forehead as Rimmer snapped another photograph.

 

‘Do you want to hold her?’ Lister asked him.

 

Rimmer hesitated, lowering the camera slowly. ‘Won’t she cry?’ he said.

 

‘She might, but that’s just what babies do. It won’t be anything personal. Someone'll have to take her, anyway. I need me hands free.’

 

Rimmer set the camera down on a little trolley close by, and then turned back to him. ‘ – Are you sure about this?’ he asked.

 

‘’Course I am!’ said Lister. ‘You’re her dad.’

 

Rimmer looked at him for a moment, then nodded and stepped closer. He cupped his arms ready, and Lister smiled as he realised Rimmer must have been preparing himself. He could imagine him standing in front of the bathroom mirror, rehearsing for this moment.

 

Slowly, Lister shifted the baby around in his hold, and then twisted his upper body as much as he could towards Rimmer. He was reluctant to part from her warmth, but he wanted to see this. This was a huge moment for Rimmer; this was his first child, and he’d never even _held_ a baby before. With the expression and movements of someone handling a glass antique, Rimmer took their daughter from him and tentatively stood up straight as he cradled her in his arms.

 

The baby didn’t cry. Thanks to Rimmer’s care, and still being swathed in her towel, the exchange barely jostled her. She seemed maybe halfway towards falling asleep, and merely emitted more of her little high-pitched grumbling sounds. Rimmer let out a breath he must have been holding for some time. He gazed down at the infant, and, keeping her supported in one arm, lifted a hand to catch her fingers between his own again. The faintest of smiles was pulling at the corner of his mouth as he examined her tiny hands and perfect, minute fingernails. He leaned down to drop a kiss on her head.

 

Lister watched them, too many feelings to count rising up inside him; joy, relief, the tiniest hint of melancholy, and a fair bit of pride.

 

‘She’s beautiful,’ said Rimmer, giving the baby the most indulgent look Lister had ever seen on his face as she began rather clumsily sucking on her fist.

 

‘Yeah,’ agreed Lister, as he removed the hairnet and tucked it by his side, before reaching up behind his neck to loosen the ties on the hospital gown. He pulled the material down and off his chest, and then adjusted the pillow until he thought he was in the best position he could get himself into. He watched Rimmer and their baby until he began to shiver in the cold of the room. ‘Sorry to break this up, babe, but I think she’s hungry. Actually – so am I.’

 

‘ – Right,’ said Rimmer, seeming to snap out of his besotted daze. ‘I’ll get you your food.’

 

He tentatively passed the baby back to Lister, and walked over to where he’d left the bag they’d brought with them.

 

Lister opened the baby’s towel, and began carefully maneuvering her to lie on his chest again. She grunted, and then began wailing, and he made sure to keep her back covered with the towelling as he tried to get her mouth level with his nipple. He wasn’t sure about this next bit; Kryten had given him a shot of some hormone that was supposed to help get things going, but he knew there was no way of predicting exactly how his daughter would react.

 

‘Are you all right, Mr. Lister?’ asked Kryten, appearing by Lister’s side with his surgical gloves now removed.

 

‘We’ll see,’ said Lister, stroking her encouragingly. He’d never felt anything so soft as her skin against his, only somewhat marred by the hard plastic of the umbilical cord clamp, which he tried to keep from pressing into her.

 

‘Do you have a name for her?’

 

‘Not yet.’

 

Kryten nodded and made to move away, but Lister stopped him with a hand on his arm.

 

‘Kryten, man,’ he said, swallowing. ‘Thank you.’

 

‘It’s my pleasure, Mr. Lister,’ Kryten replied softly, touching the pillow behind Lister’s head.

 

As the baby squirmed and whined against Lister’s chest, Rimmer returned, holding out a sandwich, which Lister took.

 

‘How’s it looking, Kryten?’ Rimmer asked.

 

‘Excellent, sir,’ replied Kryten. The procedure is now over. I’ll start getting things cleaned up.’

 

‘Good... Thank you.’

 

‘Of course, sir.’

 

As Kryten walked back behind the screen, Lister took a couple of bites of the sandwich and then returned it to Rimmer, who then handed over a glass of water with a straw.

 

‘Is she okay?’ asked Rimmer, watching the baby with concern. ‘Lister, she’s...’

 

As Rimmer trailed off, Lister finished slurping the drink and looked down. His eyebrows raised slightly as he realised the rubbing sensation he’d been dimly aware had started was the baby mouthing at his skin.

 

‘Come on,’ murmured Lister, passing the glass back to Rimmer and embracing her with both arms again.

 

He shuffled her about again as her mouth continued to open and shut with definite intent. He freed an arm so that he could cup his breast and offer as much of the flesh to her as possible.

 

‘Come on, sweetie, you’ve nearly got it,’ he said, gently thumbing at his areola, and then ever so gently at her bottom lip.

 

It was kind of painful to watch; even shifting her head was clearly a great effort for the baby. Rimmer was visibly on tenterhooks as he watched the proceedings, still clutching the sandwich and the glass.

 

‘Can I do anything?’ he asked fearfully.

 

‘Nah, it’s – okay! She’s got it! ...Sort of.’

 

The baby was on Lister’s nipple and had stopped crying, but her mouth was still opening and closing awkwardly. He rubbed delicately at her mouth again, trying to tip her further towards where she needed to be.

 

Before long, Kryten was removing the frame of the screen, and pulling it away to reveal a now mostly-clear space. The Medi-bot had been wheeled back to its corner, and all the instruments had gone. His lower half was thankfully covered, and his bump still there for now. The overhead scanner sat folded up and silent above them. Kryten looked over Lister and the baby and hummed thoughtfully.

 

‘Shall I elevate the table slightly?’ he offered.

 

‘...No, I’ll just give her a sec,’ said Lister cautiously. He glanced down towards his feet and noticed the tube for his catheter leading just off the edge of the table. ‘Ugh, I forgot about that thing. Wait – yep, you got it!’

 

The baby had finally latched on effectively, and Lister carefully rubbed around her mouth again to encourage it wider, until her chin was resting against him. He used his palm to massage himself in the hope his milk would come.

 

It actually took a few goes before they got a good latch and stayed there, but when Lister’s milk finally let down, it tingled, and the baby, who had now calmed and affixed all her attention to Lister’s breast, gave a small gulp.

 

‘Yees!’ cheered Lister, keeping his voice low. ‘ – Haathat tickles!’

 

‘Well done,’ said Rimmer, finally taking a pause from where he’d been pacing up and down. ‘Does it hurt?’

 

‘Not exactly,’ said Lister, and then chuckled in surprise again. ‘I can feel her little tongue!’

 

‘I can’t see the milk – is there much there?’

 

‘It’s not come in properly yet – it’s just this sweet, thick stuff at the moment.’

 

‘ – Sweet?’

 

Lister bit his lip awkwardly. ‘I got curious,’ he said, shrugging.

 

The first feed didn’t take long. Afterwards, Lister and the baby cuddled for a while longer, and then Kryten took her to sponge her down a bit more and put a nappy on her, Rimmer hovering over him with both threat and minor reverence hanging in the air between them. When she began fussing, Kryten handed her back to Lister so that he could feed her again, and then after that, he passed her up to Rimmer.

 

‘Can you put her in her suit and blanket?’ Lister asked him. He’d wanted to dress her for the first time, but he was now too exhausted and the room still felt a bit chilly.

 

Rimmer, who was now clearly uncertain about handling the baby now that she was out of the towel, looked between her and Kryten. ‘Erm – yes,’ he said.

 

 ‘And – and her hat.’

 

‘...Her hat?’

 

Lister yawned. ‘It’s in the bag.’

 

He watched as Rimmer hugged the baby to him and went off in search of a suitable changing surface. As his eyes drooped shut, he could just make out Kryten’s lowered voice as he, most likely, made some useful suggestions.

 

The last thing he heard before he fell asleep was Rimmer saying, ‘Oh, _fantastic_. Advice about dressing from the only person on board with a detachable head and limbs.’

 

 

The remaining few hours went rather too slowly for Lister’s liking. He was impatient to be able to stand again, and to get back to his and Rimmer’s quarters and their bed. Kryten had offered him something to partially reverse the anaesthetic, but he hadn’t wanted anything else in his system now he was already breastfeeding. He was pleased when he awoke and saw that Rimmer (and probably Kryten) had managed to get the baby into her little suit and yellow blanket, and put the matching hat on her head. Rimmer kept handing him food and drink, and put on a couple of films to try and pass the time. Each time the baby cried for food or a cuddle or just _because_ , Lister was happy to be distracted from his boredom while he attended to her. But by the time he’d finished her fourth feed, he found himself glaring down at his still-useless legs.

 

‘I want to go _home_ ,’ he grumbled.

 

Rimmer, who had just taken the baby back from him and was now in a chair by the bed, looked doubtful. ‘Maybe if we can get you into a wheelchair Kryten will allow it?’ he said.

 

‘ _No_. I want to walk there.’ Lister sighed. ‘Smeg. I’m just bored. This is worst bit about hospitals; it’s the _waiting_.’

 

Rimmer reached for his hand. ‘Try and sleep again. You’ve done really well, you need the rest.’

 

‘Kryten did all the work.’

 

‘Oh, sir,’ said Kryten, waving him off from where he was standing in the storage area, putting all of the sterilised equipment back in their individual drawers. ‘It was the least I could do.’

 

‘You’ve still had _this –_ ’ Rimmer patted the baby’s blanket, ‘ – removed from you today. And I know you barely slept worrying about it last night.’

 

Lister smiled down at the baby, who was sleeping contentedly in her father’s arms. She was so _cute_. Her skin was calming down slightly from its post-birth red to an almost golden colour. He wondered whether it would be darker or fairer as she got bigger, and which one of them she would resemble more.

 

‘You guys make quite the picture, you know?’ he said after a moment.

 

 _‘Mind if I have a look in?’_ came a disembodied, distinctly female voice, then.

 

Lister frowned. That voice was familiar. ‘Hol?’ he said. ‘Is that – ?’

 

The whooshing noise that often accompanied Holly’s appearance on the screen sounded, and there she was; peering at them beneath her blond fringe, red lips curled in a cheerful smile.

 

‘ – Hi, Hol!’ said Lister, surprised yet pleased to see their computer’s other face after so long. ‘You look great.’

 

‘Aw, thanks, Dave,’ Holly replied, shooting him a wide smile. ‘I saw on the database that it’s a little girl,’ she said. ‘So, I thought I’d celebrate.’

 

‘Um... _thank you_?’ said Rimmer, shaking his head at her incredulously.

 

‘Actually, it’s really nothing to do with you,’ she replied primly. ‘I’ve been thinking about it for a while, not too sure why I wasn’t quite feeling myself lately... and then the other day when we went to Hilly’s universe – I don’t know. Seeing her again brought it all back, you know?’

 

‘Oh, of _course_. How stupid of me.’

 

‘Just I heard about the baby and thought now was as good a time as any.’

 

‘You look quite triangular,’ said Kryten, nodding at her in approval.

 

‘Cheers Kryten, that’s what I was going for.’

 

‘Good for you, Hol,’ said Lister.

 

‘Thanks again – And congratulations! Can I see?’

 

Lister grinned at Rimmer, who rolled his eyes but carefully stood so that he could approach the screen and show Holly the baby.

 

‘Aw, nice,’ she said, tilting her head consideringly as she examined the infant. ‘I mean, humans all sort of look the same to me – but you were right, Kryten.’ She glanced up at the mechanoid and then over at Lister. ‘She’s sort of... _squidgier_ than most people, isn’t she?’

 

Lister laughed. ‘Yeah, I know what you mean.’

 

‘Mm, and smaller.’

 

‘Yes, well done, Holly,’ drawled Rimmer, as he turned and sat back down.

 

‘What’s her name, then?’

 

‘Don’t have one yet,’ said Lister.

 

‘Well, have you got any ideas?’

 

‘Yeah, a couple – why? You got one?’

 

‘Yes, I do, actually. It’s charismatic, smart, _and_ pretty, whilst also being unisex.’

 

‘ – It’s “Holly”, isn’t it?’ asked Rimmer blandly.

 

‘Oh, that’s so sweet! You shouldn’t have, guys. You really shouldn’t.’

 

‘We _haven’t_ , you peroxided idiot.’

 

Lister looked between them eagerly. ‘But we could call her Little Holly!’ he said.

 

‘Great!’ said Holly. ‘Done!’

 

‘ _No_ ,’ said Rimmer, glancing down when the baby made a small noise. He lowered his voice slightly. ‘Holly, you get confused enough as it is, do you really think Lister – ’ He looked sideways at him and shook his head. ‘ – Do you really think  _I_ want to entangle our child in your goitiness anymore than she already will be? I mean, _no offense_ and all that.’

 

‘Ah, I think he might be right, Hol. It might get a bit confusing. Sorry.’

 

‘Oh, well,’ said Holly with one of her nearly invisible shrugs. ‘Your loss.’

 

‘Perhaps as a middle name?’ Kryten suggested, and both Lister and Holly beamed at Rimmer.

 

‘ _Kryten_!’ hissed Rimmer.

 

 

It felt like days later when Lister was finally stretching his legs and taking stiff, uneasy steps around the Medi-bay. To his mortification, he began crying when Kryten eventually told him he could return to his room, and locked himself in the toilet until he’d settled down a bit. He was ridiculously glad when he pulled on a pair of Rimmer's button-up pyjamas and his own dressing gown on, and he gave the baby one last feed before they set off.

 

‘She’s like me,’ he said, stroking her yellow-knit covered head. ‘She needs fuel before strenuous exercise, don’t you, baby?’

 

He reluctantly agreed that it was probably best that Rimmer carry the baby during the short walk back, and instead linked arms with him, while Kryten carried their bag for them.

 

When they crossed the threshold to their quarters, Lister leaned into Rimmer and petted the baby’s blanket. ‘Welcome home,’ he whispered, grinning as she squinted up at him tiredly.

 

Some bright, colourful movement caught Lister’s eye as Kryten helped him sit in one of the chairs by the table. Holly’s screen and the television were both sporting some revolving, multicoloured text that read, ‘Congratulations!’ 

 

Lister laughed, and watched happily as Rimmer lowered their daughter into her cot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like. Thanks for all the lovely messages <3


	18. The Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys introduce their daughter to the Cat, and finally give her a name.

Lister slept on and off over the next few hours. Each time he awoke it was the baby’s fussing that would disturb him, and then Rimmer would help him into a sitting position so he could feed her. That was still a bit awkward; the baby sometimes got a bit lost in Lister’s chest, but steadily the pair of them were getting the hang of it. Meanwhile, his body was readjusting to the sudden emptiness, and as it slowly deflated he knew that if it had looked weird during the pregnancy, it certainly would after it. Every now and then a new ache or twinge would develop somewhere, and he’d stretch out as best he could, or ask Rimmer for the hot water bottle. He’d also taken a couple of short walks around the room, much to Rimmer’s protests, but he spent most of his time resting.

 

Rimmer had yet to come to bed at all. He’d been on his feet for most of the last few hours, grabbing anything Lister might need such as food or drink, or passing the baby over. The rest of the time he paced back and forth, primed to spring into action should either of them need him.

 

Lister had tried to persuade him to take a break, recalling the man’s sleep deprivation under Holly’s influence when their computer had been masquerading as Queeg. Rimmer had only been willing to sit for a while and cuddle the baby, soothing her when Lister required some extra time before feeding her again. Although the hologram had sniped at Kryten (who was in and out to check on things) once or twice, Lister could tell he was enjoying himself. There were things to do, and Rimmer executed each task with his usual seriousness and attention to detail.

 

Their daughter was doing very well; sleeping for the most part, and making herself known loudly when she wanted something. During quieter moments when she was awake, she was alert, although still shaky-limbed and wore herself out very quickly. Her parents found themselves amused by her motions; big stretches of her arms, or when she opened her gummy little mouth in a yawn, and sometimes when she’d stick out her tongue in a little motion they took to mean she was no longer hungry, but still wanting to suckle. Her nappy had already been changed for the first time while Lister was asleep – he suspected by Kryten - but he was willing to cut Rimmer some slack on that one _for now_. 

 

The relative calm of the last few hours came to an abrupt end when – quite different to the noises their daughter could produce – a wail sounded in the corridor outside.

 

_‘Aaaaaoww!’_

‘Oh, _no_ ,’ groaned Rimmer, who had finally changed into his sapphire blue pyjamas and sat down at the table to finish his tea. He cringed as the beeps of the Cat pressing the button to be let in sounded, before Holly’s placating tones overtook that.

 

‘Cat!’ said Lister happily, rocking the baby who was awake and squirming in her blanket lazily. ‘Let him in, Hol.’

 

Rimmer crossed his arms. ‘No.’

 

 _‘What do you mean they’ve shut me out_ again?!’ came the Cat’s voice.

 

Lister frowned. ‘What?’

 

‘He’s not coming in here.’

 

Two bangs sounded on the door. _‘Let me iiin!’_ howled the Cat.

 

‘Come _on_ ,’ said Lister incredulously to Rimmer.

 

‘You need your rest.’

 

‘I _am_ resting! Let him in.’

 

Rimmer sighed and shook his head. ‘I don’t want him around.’

 

_‘I wanna see the new monkey!’_

 

‘Coming Cat!’ Lister called as softly as he could, before looking back at Rimmer. ‘Aw, he only wants to see the baby!’

 

The baby twitched at Lister’s voice, and he smiled down at her.

 

‘No he doesn’t,’ said Rimmer derisively. ‘He’ll only disturb her.’

 

‘She’s awake, man!’

 

 ‘He won’t have any real interest in her; you know how he is.’

 

‘That’s not fair, man.’

 

More bangs on the door.

 

‘Holly, let him in, _please_ ,’ called Lister.

 

‘Erm, sorry Dave,’ said Holly. ‘Arnold’s put in this override until you’ve recovered, see? I mean, I’m loathe to agree with him outright, but I did think he had a point.’

 

Lister glared at Rimmer. ‘You _what_?’

 

Rimmer waved a hand. ‘It’s just until you’re settled in,’ he said mildly. ‘Look, the Cat’s never been remotely interested in anything he can’t see his own reflection in. You know I’m right.’

 

‘Well – maybe he wants to see _me_ , then. _I_ want to see him, anyway.’

 

_‘I know this is your doing, Goal-Post Head!’_

 

‘ _Why?_ ’ asked Rimmer, grimacing at the whining noises outside.

 

‘Don’t be a git, let him in,’ said Lister, glaring at him.

 

_‘Let me iiiiin!’_

 

Rimmer stretched out languidly and brought his hands to rest behind his head, squinting in mock thought. ‘Hm... I’ll have to think about it.’

 

Lister rolled his eyes, and then carefully shifted the baby into one arm so that he could throw off the covers.

 

Rimmer snapped his head around to watch him. ‘What are you doing?’

 

Shuffling to the edge of the bed, Lister awkwardly began to swing his legs over the side. ‘If you’re not letting him in, I’ll just have to do it meself, won’t I? The old-fashioned way.’

 

Rimmer leapt to his feet. ‘Get right back into that bed, Lister!’

 

‘Let. The Cat. In.’

 

‘Fine! Fine!’ Rimmer backed away towards the door, eyeing Lister as he settled himself back beneath the duvet again. ‘If it means so much to you, I’ll just go and let the Cat in, then.’

 

‘Thank you,’ sighed Lister.

 

‘Oh, hell,’ groaned Rimmer, rubbing his forehead. ‘Holly, let the Cat in.’

 

The door beeped and slid open, revealing the Cat who went from looking furious to suddenly beaming as he spotted Lister.

 

‘Hey, buddy!’ he said delightedly, as though he hadn’t just spent the last minute howling at the door. ‘How’s things?’

 

‘They’re good, cheers, man,’ replied Lister.

 

The Cat went to dance over to him, but Rimmer blocked him off.

 

‘If you’re coming in, you’re going to be calm,’ hissed Rimmer. ‘And for the love of almighty, be _quiet_.’

 

The Cat just continued to smile over his shoulder at Lister. ‘I got you some presents, but they’re still in one of my rooms!’ he said to him.

 

‘Oh, that’s okay, man,’ said Lister, not believing a word of it. ‘We can chase those up later, maybe.’

 

The Cat easily slipped past Rimmer, who glowered at his back as he strode towards the bed. He froze suddenly when he saw the bundle in Lister’s arms, and sniffed the air. He moved around the end of the bed, eyeing the baby warily. He frowned, and pointed at her.

 

‘That’s _it?_ ’ he asked.

 

‘Yeah, this is our little girl.’ Lister shifted her around slightly so that he could see. ‘Isn’t she beautiful?’

 

‘You can do _girls_?’

 

Lister smiled. ‘Yeah, apparently. Come and have a look?’

 

The Cat just hesitated, and Lister looked to Rimmer and held the baby up slightly. Rimmer sighed, but came over and took her, and then he walked – with a definite reluctance – around the bed towards the Cat, who backed up slightly as he approached. Once Rimmer was stood right in front of him, the Cat peered into the blankets.

 

‘...It’s so squishy and ugly,’ he said curiously.

 

‘Well, she’s been all squashed up in my belly for the last few months,’ said Lister, feeling only the tiniest bit indignant at the comment.

 

‘Hey! It looks like _you_.’

 

Lister folded his arms over his chest. ‘ _Thanks_.’

 

Rimmer snickered.

 

The Cat shot Lister a look that was close to apologetic. ‘Well, it’s better that than having  _his_ nostrils!’ He gestured at Rimmer.

 

Rimmer stopped chuckling and scowled.

 

The Cat looked at the baby again. ‘Does it _do_ anything?’ he asked.

 

‘Like what?’ asked Rimmer as he began swaying slightly to soothe the baby who had started up her tiny grumbling noises again.

 

‘Well – does it dance or jump around or what? Instead of just lying there?’

 

‘She’s a bit small for that, Cat,’ said Lister.

 

‘How do you know? Did it tell you?’

 

Rimmer scoffed.

 

Lister shook his head. ‘Mm, she’s still too small for talking. She can’t do anything much, yet.’

 

'But the twins rolled over and waved and played chase and everything!'

 

'Because they were aged up, you idiot!' snapped Rimmer.

 

 _'...This_ is what a normal baby's like?'

 

'Yep,' said Lister, nodding.

 

The Cat snorted, and then straightened up and looked between the pair of them. ‘Well, _enjoy_ this, guys,’ he said, and then turned and flounced out of their quarters without a backwards glance.

 

Rimmer huffed. ‘Told you,’ he said to Lister, who looked up at him, frowning.

 

‘What?’ said Lister.

 

‘No interest.’

 

‘What you talking about? He was asking questions and everything.’

 

Rimmer shook his head and moved to sit down on his side of the bed, offering his finger for the now whimpering baby to mouth at. ‘He was only going to stick around if she could provide him with entertainment. He only wants to get involved if he gets a new toy.’

 

He lifted his legs up onto the bed, and reclined against the pillows moodily.

 

Lister sighed. ‘Look, maybe – but at least he came to visit.’ He leaned over and began unbuttoning Rimmer’s pyjama top. ‘It was pretty sweet – for _him_.’

 

‘And another thing – !’ Rimmer began, and then stopped and looked down at Lister’s hands in alarm. ‘ – What are you doing?’

 

Lister pushed the opening of Rimmer’s shirt apart, and gently encouraged his arms to move the baby against his bared chest. ‘Skin to skin contact,’ he said.

 

‘...I thought that was only with the mother?’

 

Lister shook his head and pulled the baby’s blanket away slightly. ‘No, it’s for the _parents_. She should get used to your smell.’

 

‘I don’t have a smell, though, do I?’

 

‘You _do_.’

 

Rimmer looked troubled. ‘I do?’

 

‘Yeah.’

 

‘ – What’s it like?’

 

‘Sort of... electrical.’

 

‘Electricity doesn’t have a scent.’

 

‘It’s hard to explain – you definitely have one, though.’

 

Rimmer frowned at looked down at the baby. His expression quickly softened, and he lifted a hand to gently stroke her head as she nuzzled his bare chest.

 

‘Look,’ he murmured distractedly. ‘We need to name this baby.’

 

‘Yeah, I know,’ said Lister. ‘Any ideas?’

 

‘Well, I always thought it more likely we’d have a boy – just because we’re both men, and you’ve only had boys up until now. I only fleetingly looked into girl’s names, but the only things that came to me were female family members, and trust me when I say I do _not_ think she’d thank us for any of them.’

 

‘I can believe that.’

 

‘What about you? Did you have anything in mind?’

 

Lister nodded. ‘I do, but I think I want to give her more than one.’

 

‘That’s fine by me. Lots of people have middlenames.’

 

‘Yeah.’

 

‘Just tell me the first thing that comes to mind.’

 

‘Cute Perfect... _Gorgeous_ Baby.’

 

‘Listy, we need to get this done.’

 

Lister grinned. ‘You’re just _itching_ to fill in that birth certificate, aren’t you? Want to sign your name in your loopy handwriting.’

 

Rimmer shifted self-consciously. ‘I just – would like to refer to our baby as more than “she” or “her.” Or “it.”’

 

Lister sighed, and thought for a second. He wanted to honour Kochanski in there somewhere, but he didn’t want it as the baby’s first name. He’d just wondered if it might be a bit too much, or if it would rub Rimmer up the wrong way. Although, on the off chance he ever had a daughter, there _had_ always been one name he’d held as a possibility.

 

‘You know - you were saying about female relatives,’ he said after a few moments. ‘What would you think about naming her after my grandmother?’

 

Rimmer paused, his eyes darting to the side uncertainly. ‘ – Your grandmother,’ he said. ‘As in, your adoptive father’s mother?’

 

‘Yeah.’

 

‘Right... And what was her name?’

 

‘Jules.’

 

Rimmer blinked. ‘That’s... not as ball-busting as I was imagining, actually.’

 

‘Do you _like_ it?’

 

‘... _Jules_ ,’ said Rimmer slowly, testing the name out. He looked down at the baby, and tilted his head. ‘Jules.’

 

‘Yeah?’ said Lister, hopefully.

 

Rimmer smiled. ‘Jules Lister. Jules Rimmer.’

 

‘You don’t have any names you wanted to try out first?’

 

‘I know some names I like fine, but... this feels...’

 

‘Right.’

 

‘Yes. It feels right.’

 

Lister beamed. ‘Great!’ He leaned over to talk to the baby, who was now cosily bundled against Rimmer’s skin and automatically trying to find his nipple, even though she’d just eaten. ‘Hello, Jules!’ he whispered.

 

Rimmer kept glancing down at Jules’s attempts to feed from him in bewilderment. ‘...Erm, what about her middle name?’ he asked.

 

‘Well, I have two in mind for that as well.’ Lister eyed him cautiously. ‘Would you be okay if we named her after Kris?’

 

Rimmer opened his mouth as if to say something, and then seemed to think better of it and he just nodded.

 

‘Are you sure?’ asked Lister.

 

‘Yes. It’s fine. I’d thought you’d want that as her first name, actually.’

 

Lister shook his head. ‘Nah. I thought it migt make her feel weird being named after her father’s mother _and_ ex-girlfriend. And _Kris_ is Kris.’

 

‘So... you’d have it Jules Kristine?’

 

‘Yeah. Sounds quite posh, doesn’t it?’

 

‘It’s lovely.’

 

They shared a smile, and Lister reached over to thumb carefully at the baby's cheek.

 

‘What about her last name?' he asked. 'Do you want to join ours together?’

 

‘Rimmer-Lister?' said Rimmer contemplatively. 'Lister-Rimmer... I think Rimmer-Lister is the better of the two – ’

 

Lister rolled his eyes. ‘’Course you’d pick the one with your name in front.’

 

‘ – Of those two options, yes.’

 

‘Fine – that’s fine with me. So long as we can name her Jules Kristine Holly Rimmer-Lister, I'm happy.’

 

Rimmer’s shoulders sagged. ‘Not Holly.’

 

‘We promised!’

 

‘ _We_ did no such thing.’

 

‘But I like it!’

 

Rimmer, always far more controlled with the baby in his arms, exhaled tiredly. ‘Don’t you think it’s a bit of a mess?’ he said.

 

‘Nah. It suits her. And she’s never gonna be called by her full name, is she?' Lister chuckled fondly. 'Except for if she’s naughty.’

 

Rimmer frowned slightly. ‘She’s not naughty.’ He looked down at Jules. ‘She’s precious, aren’t you?’

 

'Blimey. She's already got you wrapped around her little finger.'

 

Rimmer snorted softly. 'She's not the only one.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo schmoopy. Wow, it’s been over a month since my last update, how did that happen? Thank you to everyone still reading, please do leave kudos or comments I live for them! :D


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